Sunday, December 21, 2008

never a dull...body

Just a quick update on the knee. Had a follow up appt with my doc, and he told me it wasn't my meniscus that was messed up. It was a much more rare injury, a break in my articular cartilage the size of a quarter.

Which means the coating on my femur that makes movement smooth had a big rough spot. Therefore my doc smoothed it back out.

Good news is that it is an even faster recovery time. Two more weeks and I can start jogging again.

Bad news is that if this was a genetic origin then I may need partial knee replacement down the line.

BUT that will happen with or without running. So I am going to use my handy dandy bright side disease and believe that the pseudogout caused the wear and tear and now everything is hunkey dorey.

So I'll try to get one more post in before my holiday travels. Because with all this busy stuff happening I've had an adventure or two,

That's right people, I actually have things to blog about again. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

pretty snow!!

It is about frickin' time it really snowed here in NYC. How the heck do you get in the holiday spirit without snow??

Okay, yes I work around the corner from the Rockefeller Center tree. I guess that helps.

So as many of you know yesterday was my arthroscopic knee surgery to correct my torn meniscus. All went fine and dandy, my health is okay and my joint outlook is rosy.

My surgery was scheduled for noon, which really meant two to three hours of me sitting around repeating my birth date and what part of me was to be operated upon to about ten people. Guess they were worried about cutting the wrong piece of me up. Which is good to know, that they care I mean. Not that there is probably a reason for their paranoia.

Much to my relief they did the whole procedure with me under general anesthesia, which means I was knocked the heck out. The original anesthesia doc suggested I get a spinal, which made me nervous. As much as you would think to the contrary I really have no desire to be awake when someone is rooting around in my body. Hell, a sonogram of my heart beating almost made me hyperventilate.

Maybe an hour after being knocked out I awoke in the operating room - groggy with my knee trussed up in padding and ace bandages. The surgeon long gone to his next patient.

The recovery room nurses let me know that yes indeedy I could put weight on my leg and all I would need to walk would be a cane. I was given a prescription for some vicodin, and then when I proved I could walk to the bathroom without collapsing they let Thighs accompany me back home. (Thanks again Thighs!)

Frankly there was no pain leaving the hospital, my leg felt totally fine. Which was nice. I filled my painkiller prescription, popped a couple, and was promptly asleep by 10:00.

And of all the stuff they gave me and I gave myself wore off somewhere around 6:00 am. Holy crap it was hard to miss.

Dude, painkillers really work. The pain for real was a bitch. Which reflecting upon it makes sense - the literally rotor-rooted my knee, scraping out a bunch of bad padding. That should make a mark!!

Today I got my booty back to work, taking a cab in the am and dosing on my meds. It is better that I keep a little active; I have to move around at least every hour to prevent a stroke. (Good times) Besides, the more I keep my leg strength up, the quicker I recover and can get back to RUNNING!!

Doc said I can jog in four weeks. That was pre-surgery, so I'll hear for sure in my follow up appt on Thursday. Fingers crossed!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

little gains

Tonight, as a reward for completing my yoga teacher training, I decided to treat myself to a spa treatment.

Being that I lost a few pounds I figured I would enhance the effect by getting the quadruple thighpass. Which incorporates, and I quote:

A serious anti-cellulite treatment for those with "thigh" anxiety. An "all points attack" on orange-peel leaning legs. With a custom-blended microcirculation-stimulating essential oil, sluggish lymph gland handling, and two types of thigh-smoothing, toxin-purging massage. After 6 sessions, you'll be looking absolutely fabu-legs.


Yeah. It involved a pump machine with high suction. And a suction cup. That pulled my forearm skin (no fat there) up an inch. To test so I would be prepared.

Do you have ANY idea what it did to fattier tissue?


Oh wait.

Right, ouch.

Treat? What treat?

Damn you spas and your so-called beauty regimens. Torture to look pretty I say.

But really what do we ever do to look good that feels good as well? Yeah, nada. Waxing? Plucking? Shaving?

Dammit, being pretty is painful.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Lord I'm so glad we are in December. Why you may ask?

First of all I'm just about done with the yoga teacher training course. One more day and I'm yoga alliance certified to teach!

It has been a lot of fun and a great journey, but let me tell you 200 hours over three months really eats into your free time. By no means was it horrible, but I definitely got lazy once I stopped working two jobs.

Secondly some serious time off is approaching. I fly out of NYC on the 23rd and I'm not back until Jan 2nd.

Yes I'll be in Dtown for the actual xmas holiday, but only for four nights. Thank god. It is fun to see my sis and whatnot, but too much time (as my loyal readers know) in my hometown drives me BONKERS.

The real impending joy is the week after xmas. The week I'll be spending in the Canary Islands with Kzoo Jen. OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT. Time on the beach, maybe a little surfing. Or wind surfing. Or kite surfing. Who knows? Endless possibilities.

Finally, the biggest reason I am thrilled to be in this month is what next year holds for me. By getting my certification I can go ahead and make my future my own. Sure the idea of a business plan seems monumental, and the idea of being my own boss is kind of scary.

Scary like a roller coaster though. Or white water rafting. Next year I am going to live my life getting to capitalize on the real me, not the corporate clone life that I have boxed myself into.

The real work is about to begin, but it will be such a relief to be passionate about my life again. Hooray!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

oh my

Sis just informed me that my brother and sister in law are expecting their fifth child.

Jeez. Guess that rhythm method REALLY works.

As a happy distraction from my sibling repopulating the earth, experience the joy of sci fi...and tell me why do I now have a crush on Spock? That's a new one.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

old habits

Tonight I went to my first yoga party. The 7th anniversary of the yoga studio I am affiliated with.

Frankly I was kind of worried. Would the people be uber spiritual? Would it be entirely vegan and clean living?

Four glasses of wine and a conversation about piercing genitals later, I realized that a party is a party is a party. And me? I love them all.

Tomorrow morning I may not feel the same way...

Saturday, November 15, 2008


Earlier this week I was catching up with Kzoo Jen, talking about our upcoming trip to the Canary Islands and our lives and whatnot when she asked if all this yoga was making me more spiritual.

Funny, I hadn't really given it much thought. But to my own surprise I actually responded 'yes'.

It is kind of hard not to feel a little more centered and enlightened after spending hours a week meditating and focusing on chakras and energy. Sure, sometimes the stuff we discuss is a little out there and woo-woo. Every now and then I find myself thinking to myself 'you gotta be kidding me' when we are told to flow with the energy in the room.

But it isn't just the meditation. The actual physical practice not only has made me physically stronger, more flexible, and improved my balance, but also has a way of clearing my head. Something about asana moves all the fluids around in a way that makes me think better.

That sounds kind of weird and is hard to describe, obviously. Yet it is so true. So the new found clarity combined with some age old wisdom found in the sutras really has helped me to grow.

So three weeks away from my certification am I almost a yogi? Maybe, just maybe, I am. Shanti shanti shanit, namaste.

Ohm. :)

Monday, November 10, 2008

jack of all trades

Soooo....anyone notice the newest item on sale at the Gap?


A bike. Adult bicycle for $500. Which as I recall from the five minutes I went bike shopping is actually a good price. And it even comes in argyle.

Whaddya think, never ride the subway again? Do you think they sell the matching helmet?

Thursday, November 06, 2008

hope revisited

Today I went and saw my new orthopedic surgeon. All it took was five minutes of me detailing my saga and review of my MRI report. The doc asked a couple questions, tested out my knee, and then immediately jumped into what would should I choose to have my knee scoped.

I am now officially scheduled for an Anthroscopy on Dec 15th to repair my knee.

Hooray!! This doctor rocks, he told me everything that could be found and gave me hope. I may be able to be fixed! At some point I may run again!! (Would I take on another marathon? Ooh, I don't know about that one.)

It is an outpatient surgery, two little holes in my knee with a couple of stitches each. A couple weeks of light activity and I'm quite possibly back in business.

God, it was such a relief to hear positivity. I've been so used to doctors telling me what I can't do, and that I just need to accept my fate. It has been crazy hard for me to just give up!

It sounds loony with my medical history, but this is the first time I have ever done the whole second opinion thing. I highly recommend it.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

dream world

Last night I had one of those really good conscious dreams. You know, one where you know you are dreaming and can change some things. Steer them your way.

In my dream I was on a stage with Anderson Cooper and he was flirting with me.

Now as we *sort of* know I am in real life not quite his type. Being that I am missing a Y chromosome. (I would hope.)

Since I was kind of aware in my dream every time the silver fox would bat his pretty eyelashes at me I would be confused, kind of backing away. It seemed I had to be mistaken, my perception seemed to be flawed. But the more I pulled away, the more Mr Cooper came on to me.

So I finally just stopped resisting. And it was great! My response to his attentions made Anderson so happy that he then felt motivated to introduce the both of us to Bono. Who did not by any means appreciate our attention.

Ah well. Guess you can't win them all over.

So here I am left in the cold light of day, trying to figure out who these people symbolize in my life. And why it had to be on a stage?

Who out there wants to be Bono? :)

Monday, November 03, 2008

try, try again

Today I decided I'm not going to give up on my knee just yet. Heck, I'm a healthy 30-something woman, something should be able to be done.

So I scheduled an appt with a new Orthopedic doctor. Hopefully one that would like to help me run again. Because I still miss a good jog in central park.

And yes, the marathon helped me make the decision to keep trying. That and a Fred Lebow documentary.

Oh, and the concept of making very good use of my health care...

Friday, October 31, 2008


Entire conversation via email:

Me: Did you ever keep a diary? Just wondering...

Mom's reply: No, never did.

Yup, that was it. Direct response, no explanation and no expounding upon the inquiry.
If you have ever questioned my family ethic, just ponder this interaction for a moment.


just a thought

So as much as I am loathe to admit it, primetime TV just gave me some insight.

Tonight I was watching Grey's Anatomy, and this will not be a spoiler but more diaries from Meredith’s mother were discovered.

Being a normal human being I thought to my mother. The piece of rock whom only offers insight by act of supposition. The woman who I avoid and don't understand.

Damn the TV show, it occurred to me that my mother just never opened up to anyone. Which seems tragic. Then I wonder if I open up to anyone.

Oh, hello readers! So maybe I do.

Did my mother have an outlet though? What kind of doubts did she have at my age? Would she even remember? At my age she had three kids - hell I was six already.

So I just emailed to ask if she ever kept a diary. Frankly I doubt she remembers all her thoughts from 30 years ago. I'm shocked to read mine from just half a decade before now.

If you have children, I think the kindest thing you can give them is a record of your thoughts through life. Why not let them know that they are not alone? Hell, we all have to struggle. Understanding your parents went through something similar can only help.

One would think.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

over the top

For the first ten seconds it seemed to have potential.

But then it got too geeky. And for a dork like me, that is a lot of geek.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

snippity snap

Six months, several face first falls and countless bruises later, I have finally conquered the Crow Pose!!

Today I was able to hold this for thirty seconds. Not too shabby!

You would think it takes a lot of arm strength, but not so much. It is mostly abdominal work, flexible hips, and concentration. When I started out in yoga I was only really fluent with the focus part.

Now that I have mastered this, I can work on a few other arm balances...maybe the eight-angle pose? Shouldn't be too hard, right?

Yeah, I'll talk to you in another six months on that one.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

best laid plans

Are shot to hell should the new Guitar Hero World Tour arrive on your doorstep.

Designing my new character took a half an hour alone. And then of course I had to play a few levels...

Two hours and one very sore fret hand later I need to step away and practice my yoga for the day.

And then maybe if the feeling in my left hand has returned...

ps - instead of going to bed got sucked in again for an hour and a half. my left hand is now numb.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I hate celery

Just do. It is gross. Even in juice.


And brussel sprouts. Can't stand 'em. Even when drowned in butter and pancetta.

My frustration with these items is constant, I feel like I should grow to like them over time. Like my appreciation for broccoli or coffee.

Not so much.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Sometimes I forget how happy I get by the fact that I receive free soda at work.

It brings me great joy. Right now I am totally grinning from ear to ear.

Sometimes I forget how proud I am that I live in new york city.

It provides me with contentment. My heart warms just thinking about it.

Sometimes I forget the delightful smell of that first crisp fall or winter day.

It always brings me a smile. Nothing makes me feel more alive than feeling the season change.

Sure it makes me sound like such a simpleton, but really these things are what turn my mood into a bring one. Often people ask me why I'm happy all the time, and I joke that it is all the caffeine.

And yes stimulants do play a part.

But really it is allowing myself to enjoy as much as I can every day that I can. Too bad I can't bottle this type of living, eh?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

biker love

Have you been watching that new A&E show "Sons of Anarchy"? I have.

It makes me want to be badass.

Sure, they break laws. And morals. And property. And a few hearts. (awwww)

There is something so seductive about being so tough and rugged, and being around people who are like that. Heck, I almost want to be the girl characters. Except for having to sleep with the gross biker guys. The hot ones okay. But the necromantic one ewww.

Maybe the dating a felon thing wouldn't sit well with me either. Your guy sleeping around when attending a patch party might bug me as well. Them selling drugs and guns contributing to crime could be a moral issue too.

Hmmm. I think I'll just stick to watching the TV show. Being badass seems like it has a few too many negative side effects.

Monday, October 13, 2008

one hour and twenty minutes later

Yeah, that rocked.

Didn't feel like the oldest person there.

Energy kicked ass.

And maybe....just maybe...these guys got a little boost because they have a bonus song on GH3.



Holy crap you could tell this song was the tipping point. Two years ago I saw them at the roseland and was shocked that they were opening. Now they are headlining two nights.

With three opening bands, did I mention that?

No worries, I strolled in at 9:50, made a beeline towards the back bar and stopped 20 feet from the stage because Rise Against came on.

Crappy timing, eh? Not.

Gotta tell ya - they are awesome. If you get a chance see these guys, I lurve them. Maybe more than Weezer.


old age

So tonight I'm going to see one of my favorite bands in concert, Rise Against. I just called the theatre to find out what time they go on.

Doors open at 7:00.

Wanna guess?

Three opening bands later...they go on at 9:50. My lord. It is a Monday night!!

Yes, I'm still going to go. The concert hall is just around the corner for gods sake. And it isn't like I go to bed before midnight anyway.

But still. Geez.

Saturday, October 11, 2008


No way.

At least all my friends work for the company doing the buying. Detroit is already hurting, this could be the last nail in the coffin of the city. All those duplicated jobs eliminated?

Monday, October 06, 2008

in case you wondered

Exactly ten calendar days after applyig, I received my passport today.

Pretty damn quick eh? Not a bad pic either. See?

International travel here I come!!

On another note, after a week of being sick and only light yoga on the weekend I worked so hard at my class today that I nearly puked. If anyone ever says that yoga isn't a workout enough tell them they need a new teacher. My ass is kicked and I only took the medium poses.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

goes to show

So you know how a couple posts ago I said just work harder?


There are limits. Seemed I worked a little too hard, wore my body down, and let a virus come on in. I've been home sick for three days.

Something I need to work on is patience. I see the same thing in yoga. Yes, I want to do that super cool pose balancing on my two arms sending both legs off in the air to one side. But if I don't take the time to work on my strength, flexibility, and balance I'm going to hurt myself.

And then it will take me even longer to get where I want to go because I have to heal and start all over again.

Thus my challenge. Stop sprinting and get comfortable going slow for a while. Eventually the slow will seem like a crawl and then I can kick it up to the next notch.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Friday, September 26, 2008


Yup, I finally did it.

It has taken me over eighteen years and over 200 flights on an airplane.

Today I applied for my passport.


Good thing I did, the guy at the post office said that next summer you will need a passport to fly anywhere, even domestically. Needless to say applying next year will be a bitch.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

work harder

Have you been watching the show The Cleaner? Who knew Benjamin Bratt could be so captivating?

At one point a character, the father of the addict, said that he was tired of fighting. The advice given? Choose what you care about, but no matter what don't stop fighting.

That, I get. Nothing worth having is ever easy. If I've said it once, I'll say it a million times.

But you do realize too that once you get what you want you have to work even harder to keep it.

People who make it look easy do so not because it actually was a piece of cake.... but because they accepted that the work was worth it. Ease does not come from inaction; it comes from willful acceptance of effort.

I'm willing to put in the time. I make my accomplishments look easy because early in life I realized I had to work hard. Acceptance came to me at a young age. Probably because I wanted a hell of a lot. Heck, I had two jobs or more until I was 30, and here I am doing it again. Why? Because I want more. So I'll work harder.

If you spend more time complaining about something than you do to changing it, think again. All that energy spent being negative could be doing something far more positive. (Seriously, just time yourself for a week. You may be surprised.)

Every hour of every day is a gift. Strike that - an opportunity. Your chance to reach out and grab it. Just expect that when you reach out you may have to achieve a handstand to get a grasp.


Time and energy is limited, spend time treading water or take a deep breath and swim to shore. Your choice.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Week two of my program and here are some thoughts:

1) Headstands are fun but handstands scare the crap out of me. For some reason it is hard for me to keep my gaze between my hands and throw my body up into the air.

2) It seems I am a good nine inches away from being able to do the splits. That is a lot closer than I thought I ever would be, and here I am a fledgling yogi.

3) Classes may talk about the breath in any given day, but they are far, far away from explaining how it interacts with the rest of practice. The really big mental part. The meditation to enlightenment part. Yoga means to bring together opposites, but is that really taught?

4) When faced with decreased down time it is hard to remember that transformation is a good thing. All I could think on the way to the studio tonight was "dammit I don't want to go AGAIN. I just went yesterday!" But mid sun salutation I remembered - this is my chance to grow into something more. And once remembered, class was no longer a chore but a gift.

5) Historically I have always believed that my biggest problem was a lack of discipline. Tonight I realized that I have grown and no longer need to worry about being too lazy. If anything I have to remember to cut myself some slack.

6) The biggest key for me right now is to stop defining myself as the redhead or the girl who fell over on her face from crow or the girl who already meditated every day. I just am and I just need to be. If other people need to define me they can, but there is no need for me to limit myself. Living in NYC I think makes this rather challenging.

There is more, but I'm tired and my poor body needs some rest and my brain needs some deep sleep meditation. Here's hoping for handstand dreams!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

suspending reality

Just asking - If John Connor can run but the Terminator will only walk when chasing him, how come John just can't get away???

Seriously. Have you ever seen a speed walker catch up with a teenager in a dead sprint? Methinks not so much.

Friday, September 19, 2008

only human

Honestly, I know I should be offended.


Oh well. I still love it.


Seems my brain is a little bit on yoga overload. Last night I had yoga nightmares.

It could be partly due to the level that I have immersed myself into practice this week. But I think it is more the anxiety of learning and then being tested. It has been a while since I have had to prove myself from scratch to new people.

Either that or performance anxiety.

Ah well, if you aren't afraid you aren't challenging yourself.

Bring on the dreams.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Today I made a really great discovery on my journey through yoga. I realized that when signing up for this series I only considered why I would enjoy the experience, not how I may actually be suited for it.

My natural speaking voice carries. I have a tone that resonates, and my volume tends to be on the stronger side. I have a flair for the dramatic, adding tone and inflection to dialogue.

Huh, good for giving directions to a room full of people who are hanging upside-down.

Never occurred to me until today.

This week I have practiced three times at the studio already, out of four days of the week. It is clear to me how much an instructor can make or break your yoga experience. Astoundingly so.

There is so much to absorb, between theory and breathing and poses and Sanskrit and and and...

One lesson stuck with me tonight. To accept again that I Don't Know.

My job consists of me knowing everything, answering every question. Even when I don't actually have an answer to a question I do have a clear path to discovering the required information. Somewhere along the line I have become a know-it-all.


So here I am now, letting go. I DO NOT know everything. In fact, I only know a little bit about a very few things.

Looking back, I remember how enjoyable life was when I absorbed information. I miss that.

Therefore I resolve that I will be open to learn again. And keep learning.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


Day two just kicked my ass.

We started the day with a two-hour yoga practice. And you know what? I am officially the sweater of the class. As in perspiration.

Sure, other people were dripping here and there, beads of liquid forming on skin. But me? RIVERS of sweat. Every time we would go from a standing pose to bend over three drops would hit my mat.

Every time.

Without exaggerating I can easily say that I was five times as damp as anyone else in the room.

The fact that I get a little sweatier than most is not really a surprise; I had the same issue running. But in yoga you can't wear a baseball cap to soak most of it up.

Luckily I had already discovered a tool to help me with this challenge in my practice. A marvelous invention called yogi toes. It is terrycloth overlay to your yoga mat that absorbs sweat and keeps you from sliding. Because liquid plus rubber = rockstar yogi landing on her ass.

It is compact, light, and machine washable - so it also is a much more hygienic surface to practice on. Which comes in mighty handy if you happen to rent a mat at your studio.

The rest of the day was a lot of leaning and a few more poses. All the basic stuff so far. Can't wait to see how I feel once we start doing inversions all day...

Saturday, September 13, 2008


For those of you who didn't know, today I attended the first day of a twelve-week yoga teacher certification course. Two hundred hours of learning anatomy, Sanskrit, teaching skills, business practices, and of course yoga poses up the wazoo.

Don't worry...I'm not quitting my day job. (Well, not yet.)

My knee has healed quite a bit over time. I am able to use the elliptical machine, bike, walk up to two miles in one shot, and - of course - do yoga. To be honest, once I increased the frequency of my yoga practice my knee's health improved significantly.

A while ago I made a list of the things I wanted in a job, what I wanted in my life on a daily basis. It was:

Open work schedule (avoiding nine to five gig)
Wear comfy clothes
Be my own boss
Not have any direct report employees
Look forward to work at least half of the time
Be a positive influence on the world

After bouncing around the list it just occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, becoming a yogi could fit the bill.

The idea of quitting a regular safe steady day job scares the crap out of me. And signing up for the class was even more terrifying. What if I wasn't thin enough? Flexible enough? Spiritual enough? Pretty enough? Graceful enough? Yoga-ish enough?

When I received the email welcoming me to the program it is an understatement to say I was thrilled and relieved. But next came the hard part.

Walking the walk.

Today was the first day of class, from nine am to six pm. Tomorrow is more of the same. I do the whole weekend thing six more times, and every week I also have two weeknight classes lasting two hours each. Plus twelve hours of observation in my own time. And I read three books and write three papers.

Oh, and of course at the end I have to take a couple of certification tests and demonstrate that I can teach.

You would think with that schedule I would feel overwhelmed. But I gotta tell you I am just plain stoked. Over the next twelve weeks I am going to learn a new skill and discover things about myself and twenty-two other people. At the end I may not have a new career, but I will have traveled a new road and will be all the wiser for it.

The lead instructor suggested we all journal, and after class today I felt the call to blog. The class was positive, consisting of introductions, some basic anatomy, teaching theory, and a little practice.

Of all the moments the one that hit me the hardest was that after several hours of studying bodies in the room of all shapes and sizes, resting and in motion, I glimpsed myself in the mirror and for the first time in I don't know how long I was perfectly happy with what I saw.

That is a big deal. Normally I cringe seeing my reflection. But today my first thought was actually, "Huh, I look fine. Why am I so obsessed with looking different?"

Not a bad lesson for a first day.

Friday, September 12, 2008

extra reading

Hey guys!

Avoiding work? Bored? Looking for something interesting to do?

Go no further!! Check out the blog my friend Dev is writing about the move she her husband and their two kids made to India.

Pretty frickin' great. Quite the captivating read. And I'm not just saying that so I have a place to stay when I visit.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

guest re-appearance!!

No I'm not really inspired to write again. Yet. But I saw this and my head exploded with joy and thus I had to share.


Monday, July 21, 2008

good to be an american

Can you imagine if a city or state tried to enforce something like this?

Seriously, try to picture it. Well, at least you non-NYC peeps. Literally only being able to drive your car every day.

Oh wait, with gas prices they way they are life is probably like that already...

Thursday, July 17, 2008

fun trivia

One of my top five favorite movies of all time is M*A*S*H*

Not exactly the same as the TV show. Actually, the sitcom has some storylines that totally are opposite to those in the movie.

Yes. Really.

For example in the TV show Hawkeye tried to free the Korean boy from servitude. In the movie? Pshaw.

I'm not knocking the sitcom, it was really awesome. I'm just saying the movie was better.

But let me show you what I really mean.

You know that catchy theme song? C'mon, you know. If not, just check out a rerun on cable. One is always on.

Know what the original lyrics to the song are?


Why let me tell you....

Lyrics to the song 'Suicide is Painless'

Through early morning fog I see

visions of the things to be

the pains that are withheld for me

I realize and I can see...


that suicide is painless

It brings on many changes

and I can take or leave it if I please.

I try to find a way to make

all our little joys relate

without that ever-present hate

but now I know that it's too late, and...


The game of life is hard to play

I'm gonna lose it anyway

The losing card I'll someday lay

so this is all I have to say.


The only way to win is cheat

And lay it down before I'm beat

and to another give my seat

for that's the only painless feat.


The sword of time will pierce our skins

It doesn't hurt when it begins

But as it works its way on in

The pain grows it grin, but...


A brave man once requested me

to answer questions that are key

is it to be or not to be

and I replied 'oh why ask me?'


'Cause suicide is painless

it brings on many changes

and I can take or leave it if I please.

...and you can do the same thing if you please.


OK, maybe I have a dark sense of humor. Maybe. You think?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

being girly

The whole concept of having to have 'feminine' traits in order to be accepted just burns me. It always has. If anything, I go out of my way to be un-stereotypical, embracing enthusiastically my masculine traits. Like math. Tech-love. Ability to play sports.

Heck, I even embrace the less-positive masculine traits. Like bad sense of fashion. Inability to care about my hairstyle. Task oriented behavior. (otherwise known as lack of sensitivity to personal situations in the workplace.)

On occasion I wonder if I am so quick to celebrate my differences because I decided sometime ago I was different. For example did I move to NYC because it is a place where unique people all fit in? Does the mass diversity in some way allow me to in some way to be considered 'normal' for once?

One thing I will say, appreciating the gender-neutral in myself allows me to appreciate the same in men I meet. Give me a sensitive guy any day over Mr Testosterone.

And hey - if the guy I'm with happens to be a little less task-oriented, I say bonus for me my friend. I can set up the speakers if he remembers the birthdays...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

best of all worlds

Huh, let's see.

Created by Joss Whedon, master of Firefly.

Starring Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion as superheroes.

Oh, and its a musical.

Seriously...what's not to love???

Click here for a preview.


Saturday, July 05, 2008

tree of knowledge

Growing up my family life was very Irish-American stereotypical. Which means we just did not talk about the important stuff.

Oh, we talked. A lot. And by nature we are loud. But talk to each other about feelings or emotions? Ha. My parents did not fight nor kiss in front of us, the kids. Or anyone else for that manner. Thus my skill to mask emotion. But not the point of this post.

Throughout my life my parents had a routine. They watched TV every evening. My mom would wash her hair around 10:00 pm, then put her hair into curlers. (Yes, in the 80's and 90's) Then she would go to bed, and my dad would stay up to watch more TV, eventually hitting the hay around 1:00.

On and off during my college career (Which did last nine years, thank you very much) I would live for a bit with my parents. The routine was always remained the same.

One night, when I was in my early twenties, I was awake watching TV around 3:00 am. My mother went into the kitchen, washed her hair, and then sat down in the TV room with me to put it back into curlers.

Strange, I thought. So I asked.

"Mom", I said,” Why are you doing your hair again?"

She smiled. A mischievous smile. Which frankly I had never seen before. Then replied. "It got messed up"

My response? "Ewwwwwwwwww"

At this point she laughed, "Don't ask if you don't want to know"

To this day, the best advice I have ever gotten. Simple truths always are the best.

Thursday, July 03, 2008


One of my rather strange quirks is that I cut my own hair.

Since all of my other quirks are obviously SO normal. But I digress.

My mom always has and still does cut her own hair. Once or twice a month she washes her hair, then sits down in the family room in front of the TV with two hand mirrors and commence to her trim. She has had the same hairstyle as long as I can remember, a very short pixie-like cut.

So you could say the concept wasn't strange to me. But it isn't just that. No matter what I do and where I go, whenever someone else cuts my hair it looks awful. U-G-L-Y horrible.

Really, I'm not kidding. I gotta tell you, for some reason all the training and experience a hairstylist may have for some reason makes them look at my face and think:

"She needs a mullet. Clearly, a mullet."

I've gone to fancy salons and to regular joe shops. All the same, after shelling out a kabillion dollars I go home and 'clean it up'.

Now, the funny part is that I really have no rhyme or reason to how I cut my mop. After years of watching my mom I kind of know how to do layers and trim the back of my head. But as to maintaining a style?

Yeah, no.

Thus my ‘do is constantly in a state of flux. Which can be a downer if the previous style was a particularly flattering one? My hair grows pretty rapidly, thus nothing looks the same for more than a few weeks.

Which today would be a good thing. Since I trimmed my bangs yesterday. And well....


Friday, June 27, 2008


You know they are making "Shrek - The Musical", right?

Totally going.

Not kidding.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

the man

It sounds kind of weird coming from me, but I really believe that one of the true keys to happiness comes from at some point saying 'yes' to certain values in your life and 'no' to money.

Weird, because I openly have sold my soul for the last couple of years.

Instead of leaving corporate culture I chose the primrose path of a higher salary. There have been some nice side effects. Dumping the debt and the stress associated with it. Being able to afford to go out on the town or on a trip because I actually have the funds to. Having the opportunity to treat friends to some drinks and give gifts to family.

Okay, it totally sounds like I'm richer than I am. By no means am I a millionaire. No means. Just able to indulge in middle-class dreams.

Sure, you are thinking from this vantage point it must be easy to say that money doesn't buy happiness. Because I TOTALLY made that cliché up myself. Yeah.

So I thought of an analogy. But I don't know if it is any good, because it kind of ties into a personal story. You all can be the judge.

Once upon a time there was a really cool company. It was a self-starter, a small place. The 20 or so people who worked there all became great friends - if they were not friends already. The owner was generous with his employees, because he worked with them all day every day. Each night after close everyone would hang out together to talk, drink, and dance. Even if they didn't work that day. They just enjoyed each other that much.

The public loved this business. People would line up to come in. It was not just the product, it was the atmosphere. That many happy people in one spot tends to do something to innocent bystanders.

After about four years the business expanded. Another location opened up, and the original opened a second floor. The original management was busy with the new spot, but there was still enough of the original staff to maintain the spirit and the camaraderie. With the expansion a second generation of employees also became close, again spending not only every working day together but all of their free time.

Still these locations thrived. Business continued to grow, and it seemed limitless potential was possible.

The owner saw this potential. But what happens when you replace a handful of positive people with thirty people you hire to manage as positive? Can they carry on that spirit?

Can thirty ordinary people (with one or two great ones) replace a visionary? No.

As the company expanded and more stores opened, and more spirit drifted away. All the originals were gone, few second generations remained. The more stores the owner opened, the more he had to structure all of them to be alike. To be franchised. Individuals were no longer celebrated. They were diffused, smothered.

Eventually when the word franchise became a reality all that was truly awesome about the business was gone. Revenue per location waned. Some say due to over distribution of the product, but it was never the product alone that sold the experience. At least the owner was able to sell his entire company to a large conglomerate in the end.

Obviously that must have made him the happiest of all his experiences, right? Selling to a corporation?

If he had stuck with a handful of locations and not standardized life, he may not be as rich but his life would be much fuller. Now he keeps company with a bed of dollar bills, not late nights of talking, drinking, and dancing with twenty or more people who are friends.

You are wondering if I made this up. Nope.

I was a second generation. And you would think I would have learned my lesson the first time.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

what's good for you

For a while now I've noticed how much hubabaloo there is for eating non-processed foods. The whole-food movement may not be new, but it seems like with the attention to organic product and the recent expansion of the name brand Whole Food markets people look on processed food as being the devil. Like it is a fact.

Granted I am exceptionally wary of genetically processed foods. Cross breeding corn is one thing, but when you mix it with mackerel and pesticides so that it repels bugs naturally?

Doesn't seem smart to me.

The whole hatred of processed food I think is a little excessive. It is like saying all medicine is bad and not necessary because of the wide distribution of medically irrelevant Viagra. Seems to me penicillin and aspirin are pretty damn good. And with the same logic some processed foods are okay too.

If you still feel some doubt I have one little thing to point out. People who are the most adamant against anything but whole food nine times out of ten are vegetarians. And what is that stuff they eat for protein?

Oh yeah. Tofu. Or Tempe. Both of which are processed food. Nice.

Friday, June 20, 2008

happy friday!

It gets really good around 1:15...and then if possible AMAZING at 2:30!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

knee drama

Seems I've been delinquent on the knee update. Mostly because I'm still in flux.

No matter what my running days are over. Bummer but okay. I got over that quickly.

Problem is that part of my cartilage is gone. And it doesn't come back. Cartilage is the shock absorber between my knee bones, so back when I was being diagnosed all the walking and biking was aggravating my knee itself and I had swelling and minor fractures in the bone.


The doc had me rest completely. No biking, swimming, or even walking until the swelling went down. He even considered having me walk with a cane.


Now the swelling is manageable and I'm working towards an 'organic' cure. This would mean 1) the cartilage remnants settle into a cushion 2) by some miracle it regenerates or 3) a fibrous tissue like scar tissue forms acting as a buffer between my knee bones.

Surgery or injecting some kind of cartilage stuff are both options, but not as good as the natural healing one I guess.

With this whole healing thing the biggest challenge is staying stationary and being patient. But I'm giving it a whirl. Because right now biking and rollerblading is looking REALLY good. Dammit I miss being active!!

Thus I’m taking it slow, avoiding walking and constantly icing my knee and taking anti-inflammatory meds. In about six more weeks I’ll know if this organic healing thing takes. So we’ll see…

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

fountain of youth

They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of the cure. A stitch in time saves nine.

When it comes to my skin, I'm all about a pound of prevention because I'll be damned if I want to deal with a cure at all. I know that my obsession with looking young is probably fueled by the media. I know I know. But at this point I'm addicted to keeping up appearances as long as possible.

Not being one to keep secrets, I promised Mrs. Ferries over the weekend that I'd list all the crap I use. Because my skin is uber-sensitive, and if this stuff works for me it definitely will work for others.

Cetaphil Cleanser
Kinerase Intensive Eye Cream
Cetaphil Daily Facial Moisturizer
Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer

Cetaphil Cleanser
Cosmedicine Opti-mologist PM Intensive Eye Cream
Lancome Renergie Night

Philosophy Microdelivery Peel

The daytime stuff varies as I find new discoveries from my myriad of free samples from Sephora. Except for the primer, that stuff is liquid gold.

Most important of all the crap is the twice a week scrub. Seriously, it is magical. I could give up everything else as long as I kept up the exfoliation.

Yeah, that is a lot of stuff. But by god something is working. Really, who needs wrinkles?? Not me!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

more room for us

Seriously, I'm kinda really excited for this.

At first when I think of the car-free streets I think recreational fun, like back in the day when I was part of the Motor-City Rollers. It was a group of 50-100 people who would converge a few nights a week in downtown Detroit and Rollerblade the city. It was possible because after the 9-5ers went home the streets became a ghost town. Which was AWESOME for us.

But then the idea that someday a safe bicycle commute could really exist like in Portland? I really, really love that idea. Car congestion here is awful and this won't help. But more people used alternative transport? Eh, who knows. Just sounds like a good plan.

Monday, June 16, 2008

back in the Dtown

Well, the whirlwind home trip went over great. The parents were surprised and thrilled with the visit, spent some serious quality time with the sister and the friends. And yes, we even made it to City Club. Which I have to say was damn fun.

And lucky you there are pictures.

This was so enjoyable I'm thinking that I should come home one summer weekend each year. Short and sweet, and the great weather offers so many opportunities of fun. Way more than the freezing xmas holidays offer. So we'll see...

p.s. I was too lazy to write much on Boston, but if you check out Thigh's post you'll get a much better idea of the trip.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Trips galore!!

First there was Boston this past weekend. I accompanied Thighs to Fenway as part of her quest to conquer all major league baseball stadiums. It was definitely a good time, and there were three statements that dominated the weekend:

1) Wow. Fenway.

2) Geez this place is clean.

3) My god I love the shade.

It was mother frickin hot. And air conditioning? Seems they don't really believe in it in beantown. Seriously, after all day in the heat I actually got physically sick late in the night around 4:00 am. Which oddly was not as bad as being sick from drinking too much. Who knew?

Overall it was awesome. Lots of history, food, drink, and good times. My knee was swollen as heck which was a bit of a drag.

This weekend is the Detroit trip. This one is impromptu so it feels much more spontaneous and therefore adventurous. Even though being my hometown and is all familiar territory. Or maybe part of the thrill it is because I'm staying in a hotel downtown?

My fight gets in 10:00 pm Friday, and then it is drinks and maybe some late night cityclub. (yay!) Saturday starts with a surprise father's day brunch with dad. Surprise as in the parents don't know I'll be in town. THAT will be fun. The rest of the day is to be played by ear, which frankly is pretty darn thrilling.

Then Sunday is the goodbye party for Dev and fam before they shove off to India. Which will be neat, being the reason for the trip and all.

So the real question on my mind - if you always are busy on the weekends do you still feel rested enough to survive the workweek? Or is it the anticipation of the week to come that really makes time fly by? With the trip to Chicago at the end of the month still on the docket I've got a great chance to find out.

God I love experiments.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

try as I might

I can't help it. I don't want to like it. Every logical fiber in my being knows this was made catering to my base instincts.

But goddamn I still want to see this movie. Stupid estrogen.

Thursday, June 05, 2008


What the heck do you get your dad when he turns 70?? Really??

He's retired, with my mom. They don't go out, they don't have hobbies. They go to church on Sundays, read the paper, and watch analog nighttime TV.

Okay, he also talks on the phone. A lot. (Where did that gene go, Spaghetti wonders....)

But overall he and my mom pretty much have everything they want. Each Christmas my siblings and I rotate between getting him gloves, hats, and ties. Because there is nothing else he wants or needs.

To this I argue - shouldn't 70 mean something? Isn't there something I can give?

All I have is to call. Which I suppose in some ways may be a lot But really not so much. The idea is grand, but it is limited to what my father will do with it. I don't know what he would like to hear, and he is afraid to ask any meaningful questions. If I could read his mind yes I would talk more...but I can't.

Thus I am left with so little to give. Unless there is a gift he can't foresee that would rock?

Crap. Who knows. People who are seventy don't blog, thus no insight. Guess I'll just try and read his mind.

Monday, June 02, 2008

schedules and plans

You know what is fun? Going on adventures. And it seems I have a few lined up.

This weekend? Boston. Thighs is adding Fenway to her roster of ballparks visited and I'm comin' along for the ride. Being that the one and only time I've been to bean town it was in the middle of February and freezing, this should be a blast.

Next weekend I'm back in Dtown for a quick trip. One of my friends is packing up an moving herself and her family to India. As in a whole different continent India. Talk about a reason good enough to get me to visit...

Finally, at the end of the month the piece de resistance - bachelorette party in Chicago. Five of us (six including the bride to be) are flying out to join the native windy city friends for revelry and mayhem.

My god, this is just the first month of the summer. How do you top all the major cities in the Northeast quadrant to start a summer?

Lets see if I can find a way without breaking the bank. My rent did recently significantly increase after all.

Monday, May 26, 2008

holiday weekend

What to do on a long weekend in the city with perfect weather.


Wonder what to do.

Oh yeah - beer garden!!

Thighs, Spaghetti, La La La, Marathon Man, and assorted friends stopped by for some beer and laughs. And we had plenty of both. Simply. Awesome.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

my favorite analogy

About ten years ago my sister and I did a whole west-coast trip. We started in LA and worked our way north to San Fran for a cousin's wedding.

On the way we stopped to spend some time with our cousin Steve. Being that we had a week to get from one place to another and see all the sights in-between we had a pretty tight schedule.

The morning that sis and I were ready to leave the southern part of the state and head north, Steve convinced us to take a slight detour with him and his girlfriend. On a hike.

He swore up and down we had to do this. The destination was AWESOME, and it would only be an hour or so. We were headed to these natural waterslides - waterfalls that you could ride down in succession.

Sounded cool. We packed up some backpacks with water and snacks. We drove to the spot, parked the cars.

At the entrance, Steve pointed to the hilltop in the near horizon. "That's where we are going,” he said. And we were off.




Back then I was a pack a day smoker and a good twenty pounds heavier. Even though Steve, Moe, and Katie carried the backpacks I had to stop the hike several times to catch my breath.

Three hours later.... we reached our destination. And indeed, it was awesome.

It was an oasis of tranquility, like in the movies when people discover those waterfalls and swim around in bliss. We rode down the 'slides', jumped off of cliffs into deep pools of water. Rested, relaxed, enjoyed.

Then trekked the three hours back to the car.

In case you couldn’t tell, we were not able to drive north that day as planned after all. After seven hours on the expedition we needed to shower and rest. Because that hike was a bitch.

Later on in the evening when I pointed out the deception to our deceptor, Steve said, "I knew it was worth it. We just had to get you started. I knew the hill that I pointed to wasn't where we were going, but it didn't really matter. Did it?"

It didn't. Had we known how hard the journey was we might never had taken the trip at all. Which would have been a shame, because it was totally worth it. He was right.

From this, a major lesson learned. Pick a goal and start moving. It doesn't matter if you end up where you thought you would, or if the path deviates from where expected. If you don't try you won't get anywhere. And then you quite possibly could have missed something spectacular.

As for that last post? I remembered my own favorite analogy and said to hell with it. I'm pointing to a visible hilltop, getting started on a path, and the rest will fall into place. Because that is just how it works. Start on a journey and see where you end up.

It is always worth it.

Monday, May 19, 2008

unconscious growth

For the longest time all of my stress dreams revolved around me waiting tables Whatever my current job, if I was under undue stress never did my sleep contain current life situations or people. Inevitably in my dreams I found myself right back into a server nightmare.

It has been a while since I have had any of those dreams. Maybe I'm not as worried about failing at my job or not doing what I should. Whether it is confidence gained in myself or confidence lost in my superiors I couldn't tell you.

Last night I had a dream about my longest job in Michigan - being a server at the Mongo. I was employed by that place for four years. Not always full time, half the time I had a second gig.

What was weird about this latest dream is that the tone was entirely new. It wasn't stressful. It was sad. In the dream I kept trying to arrange a shift, to come back for a special engagement. But for one reason or another I kept forgetting to show up when I should. Then someone else from the store would set me up with a shift, and I would not make it again. And on and on.

Waking up it struck me that I've had that dream a couple of times in the past year or so. But it wasn't until today that the meaning hit me.

As much as I would like to sometimes I can't go back. God, there was so much about that life that I loved. Every person around me was some kind of friend, and we all enjoyed each other for our differences. We were carefree and joyous, thrilling in the freedom from responsibility.

And I was fun. Fun to be around.

Every day I spent most of my time and energy being and having fun. Now I spend my days putting everything in order. Acting the traffic cop, directing who and what to go where.

It isn't that I feel I can never be a good time anymore. It is that I wonder if once having taken on the authoritative role can I ever let it go and just be one of the crowd again. Different but the same.

This explains the jobs I fantasize about having now. They all allow me to step back from being the boss man and step a little bet closer to enjoying life.

Now that my dreams helped me clarify that a little, if they could just point me in a direction that would be mighty handy…

Sunday, May 18, 2008

pearly whites

Before and after photos!!

Here is the pic of my original god-given teeth. Note the dead tooth is more discolored than the rest. So much so you can barely see the Texas birthmark.
Two weeks of not being able to bite into food or eat anything crunchy, I have my new and improved choppers.
Pretty nifty, eh? They even have the whole color fade from top to bottom thing going on like my natural teeth. The doc had pointed this out when I was choosing the brand of veneer.

That is definitely enough dental work for a while. Between that and my knee I've had at least one doctor appointment a week. So many waiting rooms, so many Highlights magazines...

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

you better work

Not being a big reality TV fan, I gave in and fell in love with Project Runway.

I have a feeling I have found my second reality series of choice.

Sashay, shante!

never a dull moment

Okay, the pseudogout is gone. Nary a calcium crystal to be found. And my vitamin D levels are back to normal, no more prescription vitamins are needed.

But now I have a cartilige tear, my medial meniscus is detatched. Back to my orthepedic surgeon.

Have I ever mentioned that my body hates me?

Monday, May 12, 2008

slow brainwaves and fast emotions

Whenever I'm caught in the pantry at work with someone and am in need of some small talk, I fall back on speaking about my theory of caffeine. That it helps me think.

In college I learned that the theory behind Ritalin and ADHD had to do with the optimum brain activity level for thought. If your brain is of the type that runs slow it needs to be sped up, say by physical activity. Or a stimulant. Being that my productivity improves exponentially with coffee, I always put myself in this category of people.

What can I say; my brain is slow and runs on red bull.

(Some people are fine au naturalle and some need extra calm as well, but I am too busy drinking coffee to think about how they deal.)

On the flip side, going through the death of my employee last month left me wondering what kind of robot I was. It seemed that I got past the whole experience pretty quickly, and I worried that I was compartmentalizing or some such. Then it hit me.

I have a fast emotional metabolism. When dealing with emotions I just work through them more quickly than others. I burn through them like a SUV does gas.

Why not? Why can't we categorize how people react emotionally with their rate of reaction? It explains why I’m so often in a good mood. On a basic level I go through all the crappy stuff that other people do, it is just that for whatever reason I eat through it like lightning and then am back on stable ground.

Well, it is either that or I’m really good at rationalizing. Yeah. Hmmmm.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Saturday, May 10, 2008


Almost everything I know on this earth has been gleamed by reading. How to breakdance, how to talk to people, hell even how to give a blowjob.

(The Sensual Woman written by "J" when I was 12. Hell I was curious)

As a result my vocabulary is wide, but ironically being a lazy bastard I gleamed meanings from context instead of a dictionary. This isn't news, I talked before about my approximate discovery.

Sometimes my self-taught language slips out. This week I used a big one, and I'm still reeling.

Every week my division has a big meeting where just about everyone attends. You know, heads of sales, all the publishers, management, and all of us peeps who give them info.

When the spotlight was on me I was doing what I normally do - giving information, insight, and opinion. It was a bit of a heated debate, and in explaining myself I got interrupted at one point. So when I got back to presenting I said it.

"To wit..."

One of the publishers actually stopped me and repeated the phrase back to me. At which point I repeated it as well. "Yes, to wit."

This is not the first time this guy has done this to me. The last time was when I used "ad nauseum".

Now I know that he is doing so in good humor, appreciating my unique use of language and playing with it. But I gotta tell you every freakin time I get paranoid that I misspoke and used the word incorrectly! And then obsess over it for a week! Seriously, I'm still double checking definitions to make sure I really didn't look like an idiot.

That is of course if anyone besides him ever even heard the phrase before. But still.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

quitting by default

For my entire life I have had Texas in my mouth.

Not quite literally of course. My left front tooth has a refrigerator white birthmark in the shape of the lone star state.

Growing up this always drove me crazy. It made all my other teeth look more yellowed than they were in reality because of the contrast. Then of course as I have gotten older my teeth all actually have stained a bit...what with ten years of smoking and sixteen years of several cups of coffee a day. Oh, and then of course there is the fact that I almost knocked my tooth out about eight years ago when a car braked suddenly, effectively breaking the nerve and killing it.

Really. It is a dead tooth. Which means that you can't whiten it. At least not much.

So in the most vain decision of my life I decided to get veneers. I would have gotten just one for ole' Texas, but they need to do both the front ones at once to match.

It was kind of a hard decision, because there is no turning back. A dentist shaves down your teeth to make space for the dental work. The permanence of this totally freaks me out, but I decided to go for it anyway.

Tuesday I took the first step. Went to the doc, he took a mold, shaved my teeth, and set me up with temporary veneers that last two weeks until the permanent ones are done and ready to be put on.

Of course being me I lasted 24 hours. That would be a whole day before I knocked one loose. Not sure if I was going to have to make a trek to see the doc again or if I could use denture cream to secure the sucker back on I hit the world wide web. I hit it hard.

You would think before deciding to get this done I would have done some research? Heh. Surprise. Not so much. Know what I learned?

With veneers you can't bite your nails. Because the nails are too tough and the veneers will pop off.


Yeah, I have been a lifelong nail biter. A whopping 36 years old and I've quit like twice for over a month. Never lasting more than three. Until now of course. Because holy crap my teeth are already shaved and I can't have these things popping out all of the time.

Guess I'll have to learn how to type with nails. And do research before making irreversible decisions. Yep.

Monday, May 05, 2008


Well, after suffering through three weeks of a very swollen knee I made it to the rheumatologist. When it popped back in I was able to manage the stairs but I'm afraid the swelling stayed high and my overall motion was still limited.

After waiting two hours I finally saw my doctor. Obviously she was behind and a little rushed. I gave her the rundown of what happened while she read over my file. Then she took one look at my leg, said she would drain the fluid, give me a cortisone shot…

And I should take up cycling. As an alternative to running. Because running seems to be aggravating my knee.


While she went to get the needle I started to tear up. Not run? I love to run! This sucks!!

Then I grasped my last straw. This injury is not like the last. Not at all. Stairs were never a problem in the past, and the swelling was even proportioned differently. When the doc returned I pointed this out and she conceded that I could have developed an injury and scheduled me for an MRI. Oh, and a kabillion blood tests. Seven vials of blood, people.

God, I have to say that it will be such a disappointment if I have to give up running. It is a sport and a pastime I truly have come to look forward to.

On the bright side (Note: inevitable that I find one. Given lemons will make lemonade.) Running has only been a part of my life for a very short time. Probably the past five years. If I was able to fall so completely in love with something that I never had really done before who says my next sport won't be even more enjoyable? Also, I have to wonder if I was focusing on racing so much that I was distracted from becoming proficient in other activities. Say, like yoga. *cough*

So now I gotta buy a bike. Advice anyone? I know NOTHING about them. Not since my huffy in junior high have I had one. But I have heard something around to the effect that if once I had learned how to ride...

Sunday, May 04, 2008


At this time I am a proud owner of a guitar, a microphone, and two steering wheels.

All Wii game props.

Just when you think one game is fun and addictive, then they come up with something else. How many hours did I spend with Guitar Hero 3? I was ashamed to say. Was. Until I started playing American Idol Kereoke. Heh.

For the record, I am relieved that Grand Theft Auto IV isn't made for my system. The idea of driving through a digitally rereated city that I currently live in is waaaaaaayyyyy too tempting. For gods' sake they even recreated the Astoria Beer Garden. In shockingly accurate detail.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

selling stuff

Wow, selling things on ebay is kind of fun! Well at least if people actually bid on your item.

Just finished the sale of my futon for $51. Quite a relief as my new couch and chairs were delivered yesterday. Kind of hard to relax in an apartment where you have a ton of furniture but can't manage sitting down on any!

On the flip side of my futon success I have put up about 26 CDs on to sell, and there are no nibbles at all. None. Nada. Zilch. Boring as hell, and not helping me sell down the clutter.

Seems the best way will be to sell in bulk, boxes at a time. Because I'm cleaning up and packing out baby! Rockstar's got a brand new bag!

better than expected

I saw the title of this movie "Hamlet 2" and kind of inwardly groaned. Hoping for a comedy I pressed play...

Now I need to figure out how many times I can say "rock me sexy jesus" without offending people. And when I say figure out I mean discover by living it. Sweet.

Monday, April 28, 2008

nesting madness

Well, so far the apt is great. Great to the level that all I do is try and figure out what to do next.

No, I have not finished unpacking. Stuff and crap is strewn about. Getting out of bed in the morning I hop, skip, and gimp my way to the kitchen.

Crazy thing though - I'm loving every minute of it. I am constantly on seeing what I can find to fit where and how. Seriously, if you knew how much thought I've put into the size and location of my kitchen garbage can you would be appalled.

There is no rush to the process, I need to really think things through before spending my hard earned cash. Obviously.

Anyhoo, here are the pics of the place sans me.

We'll see how long it takes before it is complete enough for the next slideshow to be shared...

Thursday, April 24, 2008


Don't worry kids, you can still grow up to be a pirate. It almost seams surreal that this kinda stuff still happens in this day and age.

Of course, with the rate that gas prices are rising quite a few things may revert to some older times. Like the idea that drinking water from AROUND THE WORLD is a luxury again. No more $1 Hawaii H2O...

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


Is it possible for you legs to get jiggly-er throughout the day?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

miracle healer


Yes I'm shouting. After a week of barely being able to walk and completely not being able to go up or down stairs my knee works again.

While unpacking I used a chair to put something up on top of my kitchen cabinets, and instead of very gingerly setting down on my bad leg I let it take a little more pressure. Right afterwards it hurt so badly I could not walk at all, and all I could think was "Why why why did it have to get worse again??"

So I sat my ass down on the couch and drank my coffee. When I got up a half hour pain. But then I thought maybe it was a fluke. Which meant as an empirical being I had to test it. On the stairs.

Oh the reticence. You have no idea how much pain going down stairs has been this last week. Okay, maybe some of you do. So I was a little gun shy. But it had to be done. I walked out my front door, went down two steps...

And nothing!! At which point I ran up and down some more steps in glee. Free at last! Free at last! Thank god almighty I'm free at last!!

Not that I'm going to go running or anything today. Obviously somebody needs to strengthen some muscles so the knee doesn't go popping right back out again.

Ah, such a relief. Now I can finish taking out the garbage at the old place in a half an hour instead of two hours. Going up and down stairs with one good leg takes a LONG DAMN TIME.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

stuff and things

Holy mother of god I have a lot of crap.

As per my standard I did the lion's share of my packing last night, the eve before my move. The movers were to arrive at 9:00 Saturday morning, plenty of time! My last couple of moves everything was packed and ready in five hours.

Okay, I had A LOT of help on the last move since I was just two weeks after hernia repair surgery. Seems I forgot about that.

Dude, I was packing until 5:00 am. Yes I took a break or two. An hour to nap, an hour to watch Battlestar Galactica. But still.

My previous standard of 20 boxes? Pshaw. I filled up 47 boxes and hadn't even packed my books. The movers had to do that for me. (BTW cannot recommend Oz movers enough. Of all the companies I used they were by far the best - quick, efficient, respectful, professional. And they brought me a soda.)

Thighs accused me of being a pack rat the other day. I scoffed. Denied. Defended. Growing up my dad filled our one car garage with stuff, and it drove us all nuts. When I say filled, I mean really filled. As in no car ever entered, and there was just enough space for a walkway. The floor was filled to our shoulders and all shelves and wall space was packed. No way was I going to end up like that!

After packing it hit me though. Goddamn she's right, I am a total packrat. I have hair dye from 1998 in one of my storage containers. My god I need help. Argh!

Thursday, April 17, 2008


Thanks to Ali Girl I have two ideas for floor plans. No I didn't draw in the kitchen or bathroom. They are between the living room and bedroom in case you wondered.

I'm torn on how to arrange the living room furniture. What do you think?

Sofa in the big window nook with bookcase behind chairs and against free wall?

Or sofa facing people as they enter the room with bookcases behind it?

Oh decisions. Now I just have to find a couch and some chairs.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

great quote

Read this online the other day. As much as I loathe to say it, I believe it was an Oprah article.

"One thing meditation's shown me," says Sharon Salzberg, author of "Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience" and co-founder of the Insight Meditation Society, "is that experience is one thing and our interpretation of it is another. The interpretation seems so solid and comes so quickly, we don't realize that there's space in there and that we have a choice of responses: compassion versus impatience, positive versus negative."

Incredibly well put. Just because you live through something doesn't mean you are the wiser for it. True wisdom is hard-won.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

heh heh

yeah, just guess my politics...

Gimpy McGimpalot

Sorry for the lack of posting. Bet you all thought my recent resurgence was a fluke. But it wasn't! Just had some friends in from out of town. From Las Vegas and Detroit respectively.

Plenty of fun was had. Including a little jaunt in Central Park. Now I have been running for the last four weeks, doing the whole one minute run - one minute walk shebang. Weekend before last I did the loop in the park with no negative effects.

This weekend? Yep, busted my knee up again.

Being a gimp really put a damper on being a tour guide. Luckily doses of booze and plenty of guitar hero helped ease the pain. But now my right knee is twice the size of the left and climbing the stairs is quite an interesting experience.

The latest injury is entirely different from the last. Before I had no issues with stairs and it was more of an all-over pervasive pain. This time I cannot ascend or descent steps and every now and then I get a really sharp pain in my knee that stops me short. And if I kick something on accident?

Forget about it.

So R.I.C.E. it is for me. (rest, ice, compression, elevation) until I can get back to my joint doc. This definitely will make packing a challenge. Moving not so much, because of course once again I have movers. Thank the gods.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Lord I love Scrubs. I had no idea how much until I Netflixed (has this word made it to the dictionary yet??) them all - from season 1 on, consecutively.

If you love it like me, check out this trivia quiz. I keep playing but can't beat 8 out of 10.


You know, I think that strike gave the writers time to really pull out some good stuff again. The show was getting stale there for a while. Tonight? Awesome.

Just in case tonight's comedy prime time didn't provide enough laughter, feast eyes on one of the joys of NYC life. On my way home I spotted this couple clad in...well...
Some kind of knit wear. Dude. They guy has knit pants under his knit tunic.

You just can't make this stuff up.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008


So going through my old catalogs looking for decorating ideas I came upon

Some potential pieces to buy, it is yet to be seen. It is hard to justify buying canned art in a city where there are genuine original items available on the streets.

The thing that gets me is about 25% of the catalog is devoted to those cheesy inspirational posters. You know what I'm talking about, pictures of people climbing mountains and rowing teams mid-race with platitudes about courage and teamwork. Blah blah blah.

Then I went and found my new motto. Are you ready?

No really, are you sure?





Doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full if you have a lot of glasses.

Fits, doesn't it. Goddammit. You know what really sucks? It is a playboy quote.

Again, dammit.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008


So tired. I think the stress finally kicked my arse.

Came home from work and fell asleep. Now I'm awake. But I'm too tired.

Too tired to start notifying people of address change.

Too tired to clean for house guests coming this weekend.

Too tired to do laundry.

Too tired to cook a real dinner.

Too tired to stay up, will go back to bed.

Monday, April 07, 2008

if only

Why doesn't sweating burn calories?

Seriously. When I hit the gym I sweat. A lot. As in I have to wear a cap because I will short out my earbuds. As in my shirt is drenched every time. As in by the time I finish my cardio and hit the weight machines my baseball cap literally drips sweat.

Each and every time at the gym.

Isn't it hard for the body to work that hard to stay cool? Shouldn't it take a lot of energy for the body to re-hydrate??

C'mon, give us sweaters a cookie here. Literally. Enough calories to eat one that is. There should be some sort of compensation in the universal karma for all that laundry that has to be done.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

happy thoughts

Now I have my new apartment to look forward to. I have not had a chance to get in again to measure the joint, but I have prepared a floor plan in preparation.

On a really bright note, there was a discovery that I made on my way home from a run in the park. Looking at the front of the building I noticed that I have a terrace. When viewing the apartment initially before making an offer I thought it was some kind of fire escape. Upon closer inspection it is a legitimate outdoors area, confirmed by the fact that four floors above there is a full sized barbecue grill residing on a similar balcony.

How the hell did I find an apartment that I can afford with my laundry list AND a terrace? To quote the sound of music, at some time in my youth or childhood I must have done something good.

Here is the layout of the apt, can't wait to get some measurements so I can plan the furniture!!! In the meantime I can spend my time pricing out movers and notifying the myriad of companies of my address change. All the fun stuff that goes with moving, you know.

Saturday, April 05, 2008


As you could tell from my last post, Thursday was a tough day. One of my employees passed away, a young woman survived by two children. She had worked for the company for eight years and was close to many people there.

Seeing as I was her boss, I had to keep it together for a while. Her husband had contacted me, and I had to contact my bosses, HR, other division heads, and most importantly the rest of the department. My boss was very supportive, right there with me for most of it. But being that myself and the rest of my staff spent every weekday with this woman we were definitely hit the hardest and mainly where people looked for information.

In dealing with this tragedy I learned a couple of things about myself.

First of all, alcohol really does help me deal with my feelings. I wouldn't use the phrase numbing them, I would rather say it evens them out. Instead of ranging from extreme emotion to extreme emotion, drinking allowed me to sit down and talk through the whole experience. It evenly distributed the sadness. Thighs and the guy on my team spent the afternoon at the bar with me, and it made the world of difference.

Secondly, I absolutely refuse to my core to reveal my emotions in any kind of public. When my boss offered, even insisted, I talk though my feelings I got choked up for a minute and then said, "I don't do that." Across the street at the bar I started to get teary but fought like hell until the tequila did its job.

But my god when I was finally on my own I let loose. Walking home I wore my sunglasses to hide my red teary eyes, and then as soon as I made it inside my apartment I was wracked with sobs. The pain and sadness was so great I was reduced to rocking in the fetal position just crying. I cannot even think of the last time that I was that wrecked.

Friday was much easier. More people knew as a company email went out, but in a way talking so much to so many really helped me. I had moved past the worst of the shock and pain. Enough so that it wasn't such a burden to do what I could for others.

On that note, a sincere thank you to everyone who did reach out. Unfortunately this woman cannot be here to receive these words of kindness. All of these thoughts really are about her, couched in my trying to understand life with her gone. In some sad way it really is the last of what we can give her, our thoughts and energy. And I do believe she gets both.

Thursday, April 03, 2008


Fuck it.

I'm not going to lie; I'm not going to hedge words. Screw the job.

Today I received a call that one of my employees had passed away.

It was terrible.

Yes, I knew there were problems. Yes I tried to help. Yes I feel like I could have done more. Yes I feel like my position at the job held me back.

Goddamn it none of those things matter to her children.

I am heartbroken.




Because of who I am and who I strive to be - at the job I will be strong. I will help people try to understand while being discreet. I will help people to grieve; I will listen and try to help them understand.

But I am heartbroken.




I am the kind of person who is perceptive, who sees things. Yet I missed that one moment.

For that moment, for what I feel I could have done.

I am heartbroken.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

apartment panic

Somehow I have gone and done it. I've found a new apartment.


Don't get me wrong; it has the laundry list I was looking for. Also the rent increase is not quite as bad as I thought it would be, especially since in the new place utilities are included.

It is just so goddamn hard to wave goodbye to the money to seal the deal. Five figures people. Out of my pocket. The broker fee alone was just over four grand.

Oooooh sweet green moola, I will miss you. You and your potential. All the myriads of things you could have been. Like quitting the job or traveling the world. Or...buying something expensive. Okay, maybe I didn't have that many ideas of what to do with the cash. Wasn't quite ready to save to own a place quite yet anyway, so that wasn't on the list. Really, how could I save a min of 60K? Dude, that is just sick.

Tomorrow I sign the lease. Once the money is out of my bank account and I'm legally bound to a new landlord the feeling of my stomach in my shoes will subside. But until then my brain is dashing in circles asking if I really am that tired of stairs or if I could find an even better place or if I could find a cheaper place or OH MY GOD THE MONEY WILL BE GONE.

Only then can I start the mad analysis of furniture placement. Yes I make charts. Lots of them. For ultimate floor plan arrangement. Oh the possibilities.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


Given my druthers if I had to choose a TV character to be I would be Bones all the way. Dr. Temperance Brennan from the TV show Bones that is.

Not because she gets to engage in verbal foreplay day in and out with ex-vampire current FBI employee Agent Booth. But because I think being that smart is totally cool. And maybe a little bit because I totally relate to her sense of humor. Or lack thereof.

My wish TV identity used to be Alias, but that show jumped the shark and being a double agent spy lost its allure. Good thing for me, since having pseudogout could potentially inhibit my escape options.

Yes, this is what I think about in my spare time. Too much time at the gym can do that to a person.