Monday, May 19, 2008

unconscious growth

For the longest time all of my stress dreams revolved around me waiting tables Whatever my current job, if I was under undue stress never did my sleep contain current life situations or people. Inevitably in my dreams I found myself right back into a server nightmare.

It has been a while since I have had any of those dreams. Maybe I'm not as worried about failing at my job or not doing what I should. Whether it is confidence gained in myself or confidence lost in my superiors I couldn't tell you.

Last night I had a dream about my longest job in Michigan - being a server at the Mongo. I was employed by that place for four years. Not always full time, half the time I had a second gig.

What was weird about this latest dream is that the tone was entirely new. It wasn't stressful. It was sad. In the dream I kept trying to arrange a shift, to come back for a special engagement. But for one reason or another I kept forgetting to show up when I should. Then someone else from the store would set me up with a shift, and I would not make it again. And on and on.

Waking up it struck me that I've had that dream a couple of times in the past year or so. But it wasn't until today that the meaning hit me.

As much as I would like to sometimes I can't go back. God, there was so much about that life that I loved. Every person around me was some kind of friend, and we all enjoyed each other for our differences. We were carefree and joyous, thrilling in the freedom from responsibility.

And I was fun. Fun to be around.

Every day I spent most of my time and energy being and having fun. Now I spend my days putting everything in order. Acting the traffic cop, directing who and what to go where.

It isn't that I feel I can never be a good time anymore. It is that I wonder if once having taken on the authoritative role can I ever let it go and just be one of the crowd again. Different but the same.

This explains the jobs I fantasize about having now. They all allow me to step back from being the boss man and step a little bet closer to enjoying life.

Now that my dreams helped me clarify that a little, if they could just point me in a direction that would be mighty handy…


ctina said...

how about BYOB?
Be Your Own Boss.

Bridget Rockstar!! said...

Ah, but doing what? That is the question. My knee issues call into question my last career path idea.

Brain is a stormin!

ctina said...

motivational speaker/ psychologist physical therapist/ entrepreuer?