It has been a while since I have had any of those dreams. Maybe I'm not as worried about failing at my job or not doing what I should. Whether it is confidence gained in myself or confidence lost in my superiors I couldn't tell you.
Last night I had a dream about my longest job in Michigan - being a server at the Mongo. I was employed by that place for four years. Not always full time, half the time I had a second gig.
What was weird about this latest dream is that the tone was entirely new. It wasn't stressful. It was sad. In the dream I kept trying to arrange a shift, to come back for a special engagement. But for one reason or another I kept forgetting to show up when I should. Then someone else from the store would set me up with a shift, and I would not make it again. And on and on.
Waking up it struck me that I've had that dream a couple of times in the past year or so. But it wasn't until today that the meaning hit me.
As much as I would like to sometimes I can't go back. God, there was so much about that life that I loved. Every person around me was some kind of friend, and we all enjoyed each other for our differences. We were carefree and joyous, thrilling in the freedom from responsibility.
And I was fun. Fun to be around.
Every day I spent most of my time and energy being and having fun. Now I spend my days putting everything in order. Acting the traffic cop, directing who and what to go where.
It isn't that I feel I can never be a good time anymore. It is that I wonder if once having taken on the authoritative role can I ever let it go and just be one of the crowd again. Different but the same.
This explains the jobs I fantasize about having now. They all allow me to step back from being the boss man and step a little bet closer to enjoying life.
Now that my dreams helped me clarify that a little, if they could just point me in a direction that would be mighty handy…