Thursday, December 29, 2005

here comes a new year

My time in the Detroit area is about done, in a few hours I will be on a plane to Vegas. Oh sin city, what do you have in store?

Some things of note from this trip:

- One of my sets of married friends are expecting their first child, due in June - hooray and congrats Kim and Tony!!

- Detroit is still a mess, maybe even worse off than last year. Most of my favorite bars are long gone too, which so saddens me.

- Royal Oak is still booming, more and more condos and lofts getting built all the time. Even Mongo, a restaurant I worked at for four years, has moved. Madness.

- Saw Brokeback Mountain, and my heart still hurts. So beautiful, so tragic. I will be carrying this story with me for a while.

- Brought all my running gear to keep training, have not had one workout. I have to play catch up back home in NY. Will be fun with my new heart rate monitor, oh joy to gadgets!!

- I really need to watch the volume of my voice while in a busy restaurant waving my arms and saying "There is a party in my pants! Party in my pants!"

(That would be a GM seat-belt buckle made into a pants belt)

- The ex sort of kinda made a half-assed effort to meet up. Either ya wanna see me or ya don't, it annoyed me that he couldn't just pick one.

- The "marrieds" are kind for putting up with my excess, well, gas last night while playing Scene It! I could have blown up the room with the methane I was producing. Actually it was a distraction method that *failed* as the other team won.

- Bob the waiter now knows way more about marathoning side effects to the male torso than he ever wanted to.

- I almost had a Detroit hook up, friend of Bacon and I had a little smoochie the other night. I told him I'd call but didn't. Evil me, but my schedule has been a little packed. Next time he comes to NY I can make up for it...

- Did I mention I'm going to Vegas? Not that I’m excited or anything. Can't wait to see my friend Dawn who lives there, hooray!!!!

Thanks again to all my friends and family I got to see and spend time with, you all make the trip worthwhile! Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

strange bedfellows

Over the past few days I have had plenty of time to catch up with the parental units. My mom retired a couple of months ago, so I think they are rather craving company other than their own. Even though they have been married over 35 years, both being home most the time is a bit much love to ask of anyone.

At one point over the last few days, I had a very interesting conversation while alone with my mother, which I have been sharing with people since it happened.

My mom and I were alone in the living room having a discussion of nothing in particular when suddenly she shouted at the cat, "Naya! Get out of that room, you know you are not supposed to be in there!" referring to the guest room in which I have been staying.

"She isn't supposed to go in there?" I asked, confused.

"No" she replied curtly.

Completely clueless, I ask, "Why?"

"Because your dad sleeps in there during the week."


Crap. I gotta ask. "He does? For naps or something?

Stumbling and rather incoherent, my mother gets out something along the lines of, "No because his snoring and my tossing and turning and we don't get much sleep."

So I stop asking questions.

At this point in the story normally my audience gets quiet, squirming in their seats, obviously uncomfortable. See, they happened to focus on the wrong thing.


Dude, I just don't want to know.

Sunday, December 25, 2005


I hate Christmas.

That's right, I said it. I hate Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for pity here, I'm looking for solidarity. I do not feel like I'm missing out on something, or lacking in the spirit of the season. Giving gifts is fun and that I can stomach. It is everything else I don't care about, and wish I could avoid.

Maybe I'm not sentimental, maybe I don't get into tradition, maybe I don't believe in picking one day over the next as being more significant. All I know it that when I see a character in a movie or TV show that state that they have not been home for a decade I experience a pang of jealousy.

Yes, I enjoy seeing my friends when I am here, that is what makes these annual trips at all bearable. But I am seriously considering arranging long trips to non-Christian countries over the holidays for the next few years. Really. Really really. Heck, I should get a boyfriend just so I have the excuse that I have to spend the holidays with his family. Or an imaginary one, at the very least. Huh, what profession should I pick for my imaginary boyfriend? Oooh, the potential is unlimited. A trapeze artist could be fun. Maybe an Elvis impersonator? But I digress.

I guess if you feel sorry for anyone, you could feel sorry for my parents. They went and made themselves a non-sentimental daughter who craves freedom and independence. They have grandkids they can dote on, so they'll be okay.

Anyhoo, looking forward to tomorrow downtown drinking with Bacon. Good times to come, hurrah!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

"home" for the holidays

My bags are packed, I'm ready to go...back to Detroit. Motown. The Motor City. The place I come from. But I really can’t call it home, not anymore. It is a place I used to be, a whole different life. Returning to Michigan never seems real until I am at this point, my life for the next week contained in several carrying cases, preparing to walk out the door.

This year I don't feel any anxiety or need to prove that I have “made it” here in NYC. Normally I do, but I have a happy distraction to tear my thoughts away.

Vegas baby, Vegas. I can't wait to see my friend who lives out there, and I can't wait to see what that town is about. I expect this New Years Eve will be memorable. Woo hoo!

Until then, I have some fun events planned around xmas with friends and family, so I believe this trip should at the very least be busy, if not downright pleasurable.

Okay, enough procrastination, time for the traveling. I'll be seeing some of ya soon!

Friday, December 23, 2005


It is always a happy moment when I have my ipod set to random and a Disney tune comes on.  I just heard "Kiss The Girl" from The Little Mermaid, and did a happy chair dance in time with the music.  :)


New York is the city that never sleeps...unless there is a transit strike.  I tell ya, once those subways and busses are gone this place becomes a ghost town.  Every store, shop, restaurant, and gym was closing at eight or eight-thirty the last couple of days.  It is awful hard to finish up your xmas shopping when it takes longer for you to get everywhere and your window of opportunity has drastically shrunk.


As I made my way home around nine last night, having completed *almost* all of my last minute shopping, I could not help but noticed how deserted the streets were becoming.  Even the people who were left walking were practically sprinting, trying to get home as fast as their little legs would carry them.  It really felt like a small town where everyone goes home to have dinner with their families or something.  I don't really know where those people in small towns go, they just do.


Living here you often hear how NYC transit is one of the select few systems in the world that runs all 24 hours of every day.  After this strike experience, I wonder which came first, the chicken or the egg; do the subways and busses run constantly because we need them to or do we stay awake until all hours because we can?  If the subways were to shut down for a couple hours every night, would we become a more pure city, partying less and sleeping more?  Would we experience less excess and more morality?  Look what happened with the smoking ban - take away the accessibility and the usage dropped. 


Thank god no one in this city wants to stop the excess.  We like our 24 hour party, thank you very much.  Knock on wood.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

misplaced guilt

Somebody brought in a dozen Dunkin Donuts to work today, and as a team player I consumed two.  The whole time I'm doing the guilt thing, telling myself over and over I'm going to have to work out extra hard and long for my sins.
To really asses the damage (and further flagellate myself), I just went on the website to check the nutrition content of what I had eaten - and the donuts are listed as only having 200 or 210 calories apiece!!!!  That would be less calories than their muffins, bagels, and pretty much every other damn food item on the menu.  Here I thought buying the bagel was the smart way to go. 
Bah.  Knowledge is power.  Next road trip sugar all the way baby!

day two of strike-ola

The novelty wore off of the strike damn quick.  The walk to work was fine yesterday, I even got there before nine, which is earlier than normal for me.  Not that the walk is quicker than the subway ride, I just left earlier.  Once at work it was interesting to hear who made it, who didn't, and how different people from different areas got here.  Everyone enjoyed talking/complaining about the adventure that was their commute.
Going home was when everyone started to really think about the big question - how long is this going to last? 
My job has been good enough to set up shuttle busses for those in Manhattan, so if I get tired of walking I can thumb a ride and get home lickity split.  I live very near a Port Authority which is a huge bus terminal, and the shuttle there kicks me two blocks from home.  Short blocks.  Nice.  My walking has just been because there are two shuttle bus schedules that I could adhere to, but so far neither has been convenient to me, so I decided to just hoof it.  If I get sick or tired than I have an easy ride.
Most of the people I work with are not so fortunate, they are shouldered with a two to three hour commute every day now, pushing through crowds, waiting on overloaded platforms, walking over windy icy bridges.  For them this is really a horrible obstacle to deal with.
The media keeps saying that the strike in the 1980s lasted 11 days, which with my company being closed next week bodes fine for us.  But there was another strike before that which lasted over 20 days.  If this happens again and is still going on after the holiday there are no bones about it, that would REALLY SUCK. 
Yesterday in my neighborhood you could clearly see how our economy is being effected - many shops were closed, and if not then were going to close early.  Restaurants, bars, and shops were devoid of customers.  All people want to do is focus on getting to work and then going home again.
Before the strike people were pretty split on which side they were on, the MTA or TWU, but now everyone is against the TWU.  Politically they made a bad choice, and now with all the fines imposed on them it is a financial one as well.  But pulling out before they get what they want would be even worse, so they are entrenched.  And we are stuck.
Happy holidays NYC?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

it is done

Got my wish, the strike is on. I'm walking to work this morning.

Gee, I hope the xmas lunch isn't cancelled. I have priorities.

Monday, December 19, 2005

mta vs twu

For you non-new yorkers, that would be the metro transit authority vs the transit workers union. If the twu strikes, no subways or busses, thus mass gridlock in good ole' manhatty.

They have been threatening to do if for days now, I wish they would just go ahead and get it over already. See, I can walk to work. Yes, this sucks for my friends who live in queens and brooklyn who would have a commute from hell, but I pay a lot of rent for this convenience.

Of course, if the rest of public transport strikes in sympathy, they won't be getting to work at all, so they will have the last laugh since I pay more money and am stuck still going to work. Doh.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

guilty pleasure

Everyone's got 'em. A Brittney Spears song on their ipod, a collection of beanie babies in a drawer, an old New Kids on the Block cd, being a fan of professional wrestling.

Over time I myself have had many secret pleasures of my own, and will admit to my latest now. I LOVE Grey's Anatomy. Love it love it. Taping it while watching every week and then immediately rewinding to watch it again love it love it.

This is surprising as I am not a big late night soap opera watcher. Never did the Falcon Crest or Dallas thing growing up, and I'm not even into Desperate Housewives now. I may have enjoyed watching ER once or twice, but it was never quite like this.

Maybe it is the characters - how clear and archetypal they are. Or the actors in how convincingly they play their parts. The plots are fun, but my love can't be that alone.

I know what it is - it's the chemistry. Not just the romance either, it is the way they all interact with each other. So familiar, intertwined. I miss that. I miss coming into work and over 50% of the people you interact with are your friends, or that at least 85% of them you see outside of work in a social manner. I miss the sense of community, of camaraderie.

When I first started my jobs here I had that at both. One job is gone and the other has matured. Problem is, I don't think I have, or I ever will want to.

At least for a while I can live vicariously through this show. Eventually I suppose it won't be enough. Then life will get interesting I suppose.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

fictional science

Science tells us that 3,500 calories equals the equivalent of a pound of fat. If you eat that many in excess you gain, if you restrict your intake than you lose. A calorie, just in case you didn't know, is the amount of energy it takes to raise one gram of water one degree centigrade.

Pshaw. I can eat perfectly all week, and then one day consume five hundred extra calories and the next morning I've gained two pounds. Really, how can scientists measure energy and then apply it to food???

You can add and subtract those kilocalories all you want, I believe in the fat fairy.

She comes into your room while you are sleeping because she could sense that you ate an extra scoop of ice cream, and with a wave of her magic wand POOF you have two extra inches on your thighs.

Oh, she is good; she never strikes in the same way. One day you gain around the waist, the next your arms and butt. Or she will slowly sneak it onto your back for a couple months so you don't notice it right away and when you do you are in shock - where did that roll on my back come from?!? And when did I lose the ability to fit into my favorite pair of pants?!?

She herself is perfectly slim and trim, Nicole Kidman like. Svelte with perfect hair always dressed to the nines. And of course she lives off of deep fried foods, pastries and candy.

Just to shake things up, sometimes she vary how much weight you gain, regardless of the amount of calories you eat. This evil pixie takes satisfaction in keeping us juggling, walking that tightrope not knowing when or from where the next gale of wind will blow, threatening our balance and potentially throwing us into the empty depths, sending us from chubby to obese.

As much as you think I jest it is not so. I must prove the fat fairy exists. The rest of my life I can then devote to finding the spell or hex to keep her away. There must be an amulet or charm or something I can use.

Addendum: After much research, I have found the one thing that wards off this evil pixie.


As you well know, there are but two ways to bathe in this chemical glory. The first being via exercise. As the fat fairy is a tricky minx, if she senses an increase in physical activity she makes one last ditch effort to toss on a couple of pounds to discourage your new workout routine and plunge you back into her evil claws.

The second way, of course, is sex. New relationships equal increased orgasms equal endorphins and the pounds just peel off. Need I point out that the weight gain attributed to age is actually a decline in endorphins? Just sayin.

Friday, December 16, 2005

a matter of opinion

Being a geek and loving all things techie, this little news item peaked my interest. Seems a group of people used a super-duper intricate emotion recognition software on the Mona Lisa do decode her legendary smile.

The results came back that she was 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful, and 2% angry.

Although I do believe that there is so much more to art than a synopsis of feelings, this point of view gives me new insights to ponder, and that I enjoy.

Ah, a rose by any other name...

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

happy blogday!!

My goodness, the time sure does fly. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of this blog!

Honestly, I never thought I would see this day. See, I'm not a writer. Yes I work in publishing, but I took the job because I love to read and thought it would be wicked cool to work with books and whatnot. But create one of the damn things? Nah.

Writing journals has never been my cup of tea either. I have tried to do the diary thing about seven times in my life, always to peter out in a month or less.

The best I've been able to do in collecting any set of compositions is to have an empty journal that I could pick up and open randomly to jot down feelings and thought processes. Yes, there is poetry. And no, you will never see it. See how good I am to you?

I can remember when I first learned what a weblog was, it was the summer of 2004, and every time I heard something about the presidential race the media kept saying "blog" this and "blog" that. Normally I'm pretty technologically savvy, but somehow I was late getting on this particular boat. My friends explained the concept to me, and that was that.

Until I started to know people who had their own blogs and started to read what they were writing. Then I found more to read, and more and more god I wanted one!

Problem was that I was concerned about potential confidentiality issues. How fair is it to discuss personal details about other peoples' lives to an open audience? The last thing I wanted to do was hurt anyone's feelings or break any trusts. Or get fired. So I decided to just release my web address to friends living out of state. People vested enough in my life to understand what I was saying, but far enough away not to risk any potential conflicts of interest.

Again, what kept me going, how is this thing still alive? Plain and simple, people kept reading. There are just a handful of regular readers, but knowing someone, anyone has been interested has kept me talking. How often do you really get a devoted audience that comes just to listen? For an extrovert like me this has been a dream come true!

It is more that that though. There is the support that my friends have shown me in the rough times, and the shared enthusiasm in the good. Really, the best gift of all.

Now, a year later, I realized that pretty much what I write about is harmless to the people here who surround me. And I only had a couple of posts that could get me in trouble at the job. So I did my job post cleanup and have outted my blog to all locally who are interested.

One thing I have noticed in following other people's blogs is that sometimes the personality that I read does not match the personality of the person I know. It is delightful to see this other aspect, but do others feel the same way about me? Is there a different side to the coin of Rockstar that people have never seen before?

I suppose now that this site is no longer anonymous I'll find out! Welcome to the dark side...

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


As I exited the bathroom stall, I noticed someone in the stall across from me exiting hers at the same time.  We walked into the sink area, I bent over one and noticed...
She just walked directly on by and out of the bathroom.
That's right, blatantly flaunting that her phalanges are, well, unclean.  Thank god we are past the point of shaking hands in greeting.  I will, however, give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she has some kind of hand sanitizer in her office.
Please god.

Sunday, December 11, 2005


Yep, I did it! Today I ran the Joe Kleinerman 10K, therefore completing nine official races in 2005 to automatically qualify for the 2006 NYC Marathon.

I'm not going to lie to you - today's race was hard. For some reason I never felt comfortable enough to take in the landscape as I normally do. This was too bad, as Central Park looked fabulous covered in snow.

The whole length of the course I struggled, and just before finishing mile five I walked for a bit, trying to get my heart rate down. All I could think for the last mile was "why am I doing this? Can I do this? Will I break? Will I fail?"

You know what? I finished just fine. With an average 10:37 mile as a matter of fact, which again is great for me.

Really, it is fitting that this race felt way to me. It is not like I was planning on finishing this, the last of my races for the year, in the eleventh hour. I had signed up for two others that I was forced to miss because of two separate hospital visits. Also, I missed one or two race opportunities because of having walking pneumonia. This year had turned out to be much more of a struggle than I realized. And I have only been able to notice in hindsight.

Last year, 2004, has been etched in my mind as my most horrific year, what with my two surgeries and all the doctor and hospital visits associated with them. Yet this year has been of more quiet desperation. This year had just as many hospital visits as the year prior; I just didn't get cut open. Which ironically was worse, as there is no hope that I will ever get better.

My long overdue colonoscopy determined that I have both Crohns and another adhesion. Neither is bad enough to do something about, I have to have a blockage for over 24 hours for them to fix one or the other. Most of the time when I end up in the emergency room my troubles clear up in under 18 hours, so I have occasional bouts of pain and vomiting to look forward to for some time. Not to mention having had Crohns for over 15 years means I have a 35% chance of developing cancer.

Everyone has his or her cross to bear, and in some way I am fortunate to be able to recognize mine. It is not like I have no hope; I have learned that fasting helps to heal my condition, and that drinking fresh vegetable and fruit juices aids in my health as well.

That being said, I am taking the time to pat myself on the back for competing in these races. I am very proud of what I have been able to accomplish in light of so many health problems, and so look forward to training for and finishing the marathon next year.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

ho ho ho

Hey, even santa gets thirsty. Today was the annual santa pub crawl.

Hundreds of santas filing into a bar. Brings tears of joy to my eyes, I tell ya.

This is one of my favorite things I look forward to seeing because of where I live, Hell's Kitchen in NYC. The first time I saw this I was so excited that I started calling everyone I could think of to tell them about it. And if you know me, you know I hate using the phone.

Take the example of ole' St. Nick and have a xtra merry xmas!!

how to drink 'n wink

My friend slash cousin-in-law and I were emailing back and forth this week, discussing her success in using, and her strategies in her success. I am grasshopper, teach me sensei.

I told her that I might have a couple of drinks on the town tonight and then come home and make an online advance or two. Yet I choked.

Seems I have this phobia from the third grade. Yes, from grade school. I know there has been PLENTY of time to get over this, but lets just say that this behavior has had a long time to etch itself into my psyche.

The event is clear in my memory like it was yesterday. My class (Holy Innocents grade school, named after all the innocent children who were slaughtered when Pilate was trying to kill the baby Jesus. Happy thoughts in that catholic religion) were all in the hallway for break time playing games. The popular kids, yes there were already the chosen people in third grade, were in their special area when the girls caught me glancing at the class "stud", Michael Dibb. At least I think that was his last name. Anyhoo, they caught me glancing and mocked me ruthlessly about having a crush on him.

What made it worse was they were right. I had a crush on Michael. And they mocked me forever, probably a whole week. You know how long a week seems when you are young.

So I learned early to hide any special feelings or emotions to prevent being made fun of. To this day I abhor when someone notices that I am into someone before I decide to make it common knowledge. Of course I have extremely observant and outspoken friends, so lets say having them in my life helps me work through the old demons. Or I’m a masochist.

My third grade phobia aside, in lieu of drinking and winking I tried to sneak in my blog contact info into my profile. Even if I make it through, I don't know how fair that really is. If anything, blogging through this past year has made me realize that even in this forum I put on a personality. I show the best, funniest, kookiest, most intelligent version of myself. For god's sake, I have spell-check and a thesaurus.

As much as these posts are letters to myself, in the back of my mind I know to edit for the public. The public consists of my friends, which would actually be the most important reason to care. I try very hard to be honest and yet not insult or hurt anyone I care for. Fortunately I make a fool of myself often enough that I don't embarrass anyone else. They can have their own blogs for that.

The fun question remains, is this blog putting my best foot forward I wonder? I suppose we will see.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I hate Maggie Gyllenhaal

Ok, so not really.

Last night I went to the theatre and saw Jarhead starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard.

Drool. Drool. Drool. My god they were beautiful - and talented!!??!! Lordy.

But I digress. After watching the movie and sliding out of my seat a couple of times, I came home and watched Happy Endings, staring several people including Maggie Gyllenhaal, sister of Jake and girlfriend to Peter S.

I wanted to dislike her, really really I did. Pure jealousy, through and through. Even though obviously romantic interactions with her brother are out of the picture, she gets to sleep with Peter S., hang with the artsy cool actor crowd, star in all kinds of awesome movies, and is the up and coming "it" girl. So I had decided to loathe her.

Movie starts, and I notice her boobs are way saggy. Surprising for such a young woman. Even with a bra on. So I fixate on that one failure for a while. Anything to get my negative feelings vindicated.

Then it happened. She did an amazing job of acting. I had already seen and loved Secretary, and by contrasting her roles between these two films could not help but identify her strong talent. By god she is an actor's actor. Then it hit me that despite all the Hollywood pressure and plasticity, her boobs looking that way were because THEY ARE REAL.

Dammit, now I admire the woman. And I can't even pretend to be saying that in the hopes of getting close to her brother, 'cause the gosh darn guy is with Kirsten Dunst.

I think I'll hate her instead.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

online junky

I am an addict of, and I freely admit it.  You all may not know this, but my ability to ruminate and pontificate in an *almost* intelligent manner are almost 99% in thanks to the thesaurus provided on this site.  (The other 1% comes from eating lots of fish.)
Yes, there are books that do this, but really who wants to get up, walk to a bookcase, search out the book, and then page through the damn thing?  Not to mention, the book won't suggest other words when you had the spelling wrong!
Thank you, dear internet, for helping me sound smart and stuff.  Sometimes.  Oh, okay, once and a while.  On occasion.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

may you have an exciting life

This past week has been very...interesting.

My dad used to tell me it is an ancient curse to wish someone an exciting life, since exciting things tend to be terrible like wars, famine, hurricanes, or some other tragedy. Boring lives are safe and healthy.

I can't say that I want a boring life. When my life gets too regular I get restless, edgy. Sometimes in the past I would even get self destructive - anything to shake things up.

It has been a long time since so much has happened to me in such a short span of time. Boy have I missed it. But holy moly, is it hard to do now. A couple nights of minimal sleep and I was totally exhausted. Methinks I could not handle being a medical intern if I can't do more than two nights with little rest.

Anyhoo, this week was the kind I used to fantasize about having once being in NYC before I lived here.

You all know about my Wednesday night, which ended at one am.

Thursday night I went drinking again with different buddies, in bed at two am (yes I came home from the party and kept drinking while watching netflix, alcohol increases my social skills not my intelligence.).

Friday night was the Petey annual holiday party - which I actually did not drink at, shocker of shockers. Yet had so much fun, these girls are so great I don't need help enjoying myself. Oh, and the food, my god these girls can cook.

Saturday am I ran a four-mile race with a time that I am thrilled about, a 10:17 average minute mile. That night RFW and I met up whit Spaghetti to see a modern dance performance interpretation of Hansel and Gretel. (Quite artsy, super duper duper artsy), then RFW and I went out to CBGBs to see a band she knows, and we traveled around and kept drinking on the Lower East Side.

Today I lay splayed on my couch in a coma.

All of these events kept me busy, and my life is richer and more diverse. What I find interesting is that in this time some things happened that seemed to tie in with my hormones kicking back in. I think when they went into overdrive my pheromones did as well. Which honestly is not that bad, but rather unexpected and therefore unsettling. In the midst of all this activity I got called and asked out on one date (such a sweet call), and was introduced into two other situations that I foresee as blooming into something interesting.

Sadly I'm not interested in the guy who called me, which is tragic because I had a lot of fun with him, and he is sweet, smart, and very attractive. His schedule is COMPLETELY the opposite of mine, which I just can't deal with. And he is attracted to the person I used to be. As much as I miss that girl, I don't want to go back. I want to incorporate her again in small ways, grow and go forward.

The two other guys who have potential, I am very attracted to, and they are the polar opposite of each other. I actually don't know if either is available, but I could sense the mutual spark, so we'll see what develops. I may even make a move, what the heck.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

softball peeps

The hosts were generous and welcoming. The apartment was awesome. The people, so wonderful to see. Could there be a better party, a better group of friends? Pretty hard to come by.

Especially when one of your friends openly and willingly states

"I wouldn't mind having a smaller penis..."

Boy, is that friend lucky I don't name names, eh? (At least here, for a small fee I may be willing to disclose over email)

Oh, and quoting without context ROCKS.

Good people. Good times.

fate or chance?

Last night was a cascading waterfall of coincidences.  It was like watching one of those huge domino structures someone set up to knock over.  They rapidly start falling over and then BOOM one falls off the table into a scale to start two rows going, then a couple minutes later WHAP a silver ball is rolling, and then KAPLOOIE a torch lights to heat an air balloon....


You get the idea.


The night started because fortuitously my friend La-La-La had received a card entitling her to free food at a new Chipotle opening on my corner.  This was a fun coincidence as she had gotten this card the other night while walking home from work, yet her job is in SOHO and lives on the UES - thus my hood is pretty darn out of the way.  Meanwhile I, the girl who lives a mere 20 yards from the establishment never got a card.  Lucky for us she did!


We partook in the free food and beverage (mmmmmmmmmm good), and on the way out realized that our evening's errands could wait until after we had a glass of wine nearby.  What's the rush?


I suggested a neat little spot nearby that I have passed a million and one times but never been to.  It is very well hidden, not easily noticeable, yet quite intricately decorated inside which has always intrigued me.  Oh, and once while walking by I saw Denzel Washington inside, which I found pretty darn impressive.


So we enter and commence to drinking.  La-La-La started talking about coincidences, and how her manly-man (we will call him MMM for miracle marathon man, as he completed the Philly marathon a couple weeks ago in 3:15, which I find absolutely AMAZING but he is disappointed with!!) had been talking with her about them the other night.  And then she pointed out an actor she recognized, Johnny Galecki.  She knew him by name, which I found funny, but she explained that she and MMM had looked for him on imdb the other night.  Huh, neat coincidence.


He looked great, by the way.


Anyhoo, we are having fun and decide to go for glass of wine number three.  At this point we are enchanted by this place.  It is over decorated to the point that it is could almost be tacky, but yet the items are so diverse and interesting the place is intimate and charming.  The bathrooms were a wonder of decoration to the point that La-La-La and I were ready to sign a lease and move in.


We are about done with our third glass of wine when we notice someone nearly knocking over one of the many vary large plants in the room.  Thinking it is someone who is drunk we look over, and realize this was our mistake, that in fact it was a blind man.


Stevie Wonder.


Yes, we were a mere two mere yards away from a LIVING LEGEND.  We immediately were blushing, tongue-tied in awe of him.  This was not so much a coincidence as really really cool.


At this point we ordered another glass of wine to bask in his presence. 


The place wasn't too busy, so the bartender sat down and joined us in our conversation.  He mentioned that not only was Stevie here, but Earth Wind and Fire was having dinner in the next room.


Mother of god what is this place?  This night is just too cool.


We continue our convo with the bartender, and we get to the point where we are talking about jobs and such.  He is an actor between gigs, had worked at this establishment once before and had just started back.  Oh, and he used to work for this restaurant called Tuscan.


Wha?  Wha???  Wha?????  Yeah, the same Tuscan I worked at for three years.  The only other place I have worked in the city.  Seems he started just after I left, we had barely missed each other.  This would be another coincidence, methinks. 


This sparked another glass of wine and an animated discussion of all the people we knew in common and how they are/have been.  Poor La-La-La had to listen to us go on and on and on about all these personalities she has never met.  Until the discussion comes around to the favorite watering hole of Tuscan employees, the local at which I spent many a night closing and drinking until six am, Peter Dylan's.


La-La-La perks up.  She knows this bar.  Seems MMM used to frequent it quite often when he worked around the corner, and had introduced her to the establishment on occasion.  Now we all start talking about the place and the bartender Paulie, whom we all know.  


The coincidences have come full circle, back to La-La-La and MMM.  We are all linked together through a strange turn of events.


MMM shows up, joins the discussion, and the four of us head across the street to continue the party.  We have a few more drinks and I am just stupid drunk.  It is almost one in the morning, dear god how will I get to work the next day/this day?


At this point I ask MMM about the coincidence discussion he and La-La-La had the other night, in light of the evening's events.  He clarifies something - that the point of their debate had been that he thinks that coincidences mean nothing, that people just notice them because they stand out, that the myriads of normal events and missed coincidences in effect prove that nothing is connected and by the pure nature of odds funny things are bound to happen.


This, my friends, is the best coincidence at all, and a perfect way to end the night.  

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

total sap

As anticipated I went and saw the movie version of Rent over the holiday weekend.  And loved it.  Of course.  There were high points and low points. 
I'll start with the low points just to get them out of the way.  The direction sucked, fortunately not enough to take away from the story or music.  Rosario Dawson was "eh", not really a powerful singer, but her presence made up for it in the most part. 
The high points were some excellent new variations of the music, so much so that I still got chills.  Some of the things they did to cover up Rosario's weakness actually improved upon the original version.  The original cast, my god they were amazing, especially since they have had years to perfect and mature these parts into an art form.  Most of all, it hit me today that this story and theme can now travel to every little town all over the world, regardless to access to Broadway or traveling shows.  There are people who have not been touched by the story of Rent!  Now they can.  Again, so tragic and how poignant that the man who so deeply imbedded "no day but today" into a musical died on opening night.  
Because I am such a fanatic, I bought the movie soundtrack even though I already own the Broadway one.  While walking to work this morning, the new version was playing on my ipod and "Another Day" came on with the movie arrangement.  And I started to cry.  One minute I'm thinking about lunch and the next I'm a total wreck tearing up in the middle of the street.  Really:
I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just
To be
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...

Every day we push on.  For what, for why?  Just to be.
Yes, I am a sap.  So sue me.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


In my constant belief that someday soon I may have a regular sex life, I take birth control.

No, we will not stop now and define what a "regular" sex life is. Maybe in another post.

I've done the pill, which for me was not so great as I'm really bad at doing anything consistently at the same time every day, like taking a pill. It just isn't feasible, my schedule - even while on the nine to five gig - changes too much. I tend towards spontaneity. Routines have never been my thing.

The shot was my favorite. A slight prick once every three months, and not only was I protected but I had no period at all. Quite a sweet side effect if I do say so. Sadly my gyno said that the shot could lead to osteoporosis, so she took me off in lieu of another form of protection.

Next came the patch. You stick it on at the beginning of the month, changing it out weekly for a new adhesive on your "patch day". As there is no exact time that the said switch must occur, I was able to stick to this regimen. Unfortunately most of my lint did too. The patch was skin colored, but the border always was caked with a dirty black outline. Gross.

Since I'm still not seeing anyone on a regular basis, I just decided to forego the stupid patch and settle for being birth control free. That's right, back to my natural hormones. And I've noticed, let me tell you, because my sex drive is now through the roof!!

Historically I used to be much randier in my younger days, and have not been too lustful as of late. Seems by accident I have gone and gotten my sex drive back, and it is making up for lost time. I'm practically drooling at every man I see. So I signed up for match, before my vibrator goes on strike. In the meantime, I guess I'll focus that pent-up energy on my running. I just may run that nine-minute mile race this year after all!

(P.S. I think as good as I've sort of gotten at writing in my blog I am CRAP writing these damn profiles. If you have any skill please give it a look and toss me some pointers. Thanks!)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Saturday, November 26, 2005

fruit bowls

I have always wanted to be the kind of person who decorates their kitchen around a bowl of fruit.

You know what I'm talking about. Often when watching a TV show or a movie (as tonight in Tom Hank's apartment in "You've Got Mail", for example) someone’s kitchen table has a centerpiece decoration made of fruit. Normally apples, pears, and/or bananas. Sometimes they go and get exotic with pomegranates or mangoes or something.

These centerpieces always strike me as classy and upscale.

So why don't I just go ahead and get myself some fruit and stick it in a bowl on my kitchen table? I mean, I have a table; I have room to put a bowl on it. The thing is, I am just not that kind of person. The kind of person who takes the time and effort to stock a bowl and rotate the fruit so none of it goes bad. Do you have any idea the amount of time and dedication involved in this kind of venture? How much fruit I would have to eat? How often I would have to shop for produce? The innate risk of wasting food involved?

As much as I long to be such an individual, I have had to come to terms with the fact I am not. In the same manner I kind of mourn that I am not an a.m. runner, a high-heel wearer, a fashion savvy New York woman, a sophisticate, a demure type, or a casual dater.

Geez, many times I have tried these personas on, and for one reason or another was not able to follow through. It is not that I in any way dislike myself, it is just that I admire these qualities in other people, and thus have a twinge of regret when it I cannot make it part of my makeup. The other night I made an effort to be stylish and dress up all H&M-like for the bar, it just wasn't comfortable on me. I'm more of a quirky dresser than a sophisticated one.

This, I suppose, is one of the reasons that I still am surprised in my longevity in corporate life. Because as many times as I try on different personalities, they are in effect me wearing a costume of some kind. My self-image just doesn't really include big business or executive management. Not that I am uncomfortable or unduly stressed by my job, just that it's not really me. How long until I am no longer able to keep up with the juggling of the produce and have to deal with an empty bowl in the center of my kitchen table?

Or do I give in to the compromise and find some good quality plastic fruit?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

five looooooong years

Today I received a letter congratulating me for reaching my five-year anniversary at my company.


What a long time to be at one job. For me, at least. Historically speaking I often was juggling two gigs at any given time in my life, and I was averaging about one new job a year. The longest I had ever stayed with a company prior to this was at mongo, even while there I experienced blocks of time where I only was working one day a week and working full time somewhere else.

How did I celebrate this glorious day? Why, I worked until 10:00 pm, of course.

You may think I'm crazy, but I got a lot of tasks done and felt like I was walking on air as I left the building. Oh, the relief!

Seattle Girl suggested to me a while ago that I try to walk home one day a week to clear my head, and I have found this advice to be stellar. Tonight I walked home, and felt the burdens of my work and personal concerns blow off layer by layer in the early winter wind. At one point I was strolling through the heart of the trendy meat-packing district, surrounded by expensive, beautifully tasteful thanksgiving and Christmas decorations, and I smelled the scent of a burning fireplace in the air. It felt so cozy, peaceful, and at home.

All kidding aside, this also then marks my five-year anniversary of having moved to New York. Living here is what I really celebrate, being able to actualize my dream. How many people get to say that at such a young age?

I suppose regardless of my personal benchmarks this is the time of year you are given an opportunity to stop and be thankful, to take stock. In that case, for these things I am grateful:

- Having a job that has allowed me to grow as a person and be able to afford life in NYC.

- My health. I ran a four-mile race this past Sunday and was able to manage a 10:45 minute mile. (Hey, that's fast for me, okay??)

- The presence of the friends in my life. People who care and support me when I ask. And who appreciate exactly how hard it is for me to do so.

- Beer. Wine. Liquor.

- My imac, which without I could not be blogging. Oh, and my ipod too. Love that damn apple inc.

- The color of my eyes. I get lots of compliments on them.

- Chocolate

- My brains and my social abilities. The one-two punch that is the secret of my success.

- Learning to forgive, that holding a grudge hurts you more than anyone else.

-Not having a wooden leg. I think that would put a crimp in my sexual exploits. Not that I have much if any right now...

-Which leads me to being thankful for having such an active imagination and fantasy life.


Monday, November 21, 2005

the chicken or the egg

Often growing up I would like to attribute some of my uniqueness to my name. I genuinely believed that because my name was less common than most I was destined to be special, different.

As I have gotten older, I have realized that the types of people who choose to name their children kooky outlandish monikers tend to also teach their children different morals and behaviors, stressing the importance of their individuality. Whether or not the child picks up these traits of independent personality can be argued either way, for nature or nurture.

A better question would be to ask the ratio of outlandish ratio types to socially common names vs. highly individualized names to strong senses of unconformity. In the book Freakonomics (which I absolutely loved)

Mr. Levitt did an extensive study of how names can predict success based on the most commonly chosen name by different class groups.

This all being said, I never imagined I would get the hots for a guy named Wentworth. There is no way he chose that one as a stage name.

What kind of nickname does he get to go by, anyway? Wenty? Big W? Guess it doesn't matter, since in my fantasies we don't do much talking. Tee hee.

Saturday, November 19, 2005


While in Seattle, my sister and I started telling the Seattle Kids about the "afternoon special" type stories from our neighborhood growing up.

Name something bad that you heard as a child not to do; kids in my neighborhood did it. And felt the repercussions.

There was the little boy, Frank, who died at the age of nine, choking on a hot dog while his mother watched; she did not know the Heimlich maneuver.

A friend of mine from across the street, Samantha, died at 12 along with her 7-year-old brother when they played with matches and started a fire. They actually died of smoke inhalation when they ran upstairs away from the flames.

The boy next door died at 18 because he was hanging out drunk on the train tracks. (There were rumors that he was a Satanist testing the devil, but obviously that didn't work.)

My first best friend named Jennifer growing up thought she couldn't get pregnant the first time you had sex - and had a baby when she was 14.

There was the boy who lived around the corner who played russian roulette and died.

There was the kid who grew up down the street - he hopped the fence to get a ball and was mauled by a dog.

When we started to tell the stories as they kept coming out the whole thing seemed more and more morbid. Luckily boys seem to respond to these kind of horror stories with nary a shrug. If anything, they were most amazed at why someone would ever play russian roulette. Shocked and dumbfounded, really. Which is a good thing.

I suppose it is stranger that my sister and I had taken it in stride as a way that people acted. I was such an avid reader, I was familiar with extraordinary things happening to people in books, and maybe saw no reason that real life wouldn't be the same. Maybe such comfort in extreme circumstances is what led me to New York.

I do love it here. And I crave adventure. Hmmmm.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

epilogue to a fast

It has been a month since I was on my liquid diet, and I thought it would be a good idea to touch base with how I have and have not changed.

Pretty much all of the weight I lost on the fast came back within a week. I stayed about three or four pounds lighter. I'm guessing that what I gained back was a combination of water weight and the poundage of processing food through my digestive system.

As far as eating healthy goes, it is kind of a mixed bag. I have been drinking fresh veggie/fruit juice every morning, and boy what a power punch that gives me! I feel energized, healthy, and even have skipped coffee a couple of days. My food choices vary widely, I eat crap still. Especially when I was on vacation in Seattle. I had burgers, garlic fries served with aioli, cheese and beef enchiladas, and tons of desserts and mocha lattes. So we can't say I'm miss healthy organic anymore.

My colonoscopy results came back with really terrific results. No inflammation, parasites, or cancer. Some slight ulceration at the sight of my resection that indicates by the pattern that I still have crohns, though in remission. Thing is, my gastroenterologist also said that since all the blockages that send me to the hospital clear up in under 20 hours that the cause is most likely an adhesion in my small intestine. Crohns doesn't recover that fast, he tells me. Great news I don't have cancer (seems I have a significant risk in that area), but bummer I have both adhesions and Crohns. Stupid guts.

The most interesting side effect of my fast has been how much more in tuned with my appetite I am now. Recently whenever I have a large calorie laden lunch (three pieces of pizza a couple of days ago, cheese enchiladas today) my appetite is appeased for the rest of the day. I leave work, go to the gym, come home, and still not hungry. This has never happened to me before. Maybe I was previously misinterpreting other feelings for hunger; maybe my body senses I don't need more nourishment. I don't know. It is great not being ruled by my appetite all the time, let me tell you!

I also am not hungry in the mornings anymore, even if I had a strenuous workout the night before. The juice is all I need to get going, and satiates me until about 11:00 when I have an apple as a snack.

Really, I am so happy with this last change. It is so nice to feel that my body is regulating itself and its needs. Again I have to say this fast was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. I'm a true believer.


I wonder how long before the word "googled" gets into the dictionary?  Or "blogger", for that fact.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


A couple of months ago I mentioned my first trip to Coney Island.  It was a fun day, but I left out the best story.


If you look into the history of Coney Island, its popularity was not built upon rides.  It was built upon side shows.  Freaks, if you will.  People, including the hoighty-toighty high society types, traveled far and wide to view the bearded lady, giant, world's tiniest man, and fire eaters.  These kinds of shows drew exceptionally large crowds, more people than you could even imagine. 


When I heard about this, I was kind of surprised.  Those kinds of shows historically kind of make me squirm, make me uncomfortable.  The fact that this was accepted family entertainment amazes me.  What is even more interesting is these Freak Shows still exist on Coney Island.  The main attractions are the rides and games, but down one undistinguishable pathway the sideshow still exists.


After our very long day, RFW and I were about to hop the subway home when we spotted the show.  She was hesitant to go in, but I just had to see it.  Only $5 for ten different acts! 


We walked into the amazing tattooed man, who demonstrated lying down on a bed of nails.  Kind of mind boggling, even if you doubt the validity of the nails.  Then they put the amazing electric woman in a chair and did tricks with electricity and fire.  Pretty neat.  Next came the fire eating lady, way way cool.  All of the performers were heavily pierced, tattooed, with fun hair colors.


The last act was the sword swallower.  She was about 19 or 20, came on stage and started her act by swallowing a foot long dagger and making jokes and witty banter. 


Then she asked for a volunteer.  Believe it or not I actually hesitated for a moment.  As outgoing as I am, I am rarely on stage.  But as no one else raised their hand, I offered myself. 


In this part of the act she was to swallow a two foot sword.  That is long, in case you didn't know.  I got to inspect it, and let me tell you I tried everything I could to check for a trick button or twist or something, all to no avail.  After doing what I thought was my duty, I started to head off stage.


"Wait!"  Said the sword swallower - "you're not done yet!"


That caught me by surprise.  Seems that my REAL part of the act was to stand on stage with her as she swallowed the sword, then she would bend over and I was to PULL THE SWORD OUT OF HER.  "Be careful to pull it out slow and straight", she said, "the sword is sharp"


Ha.  No pressure.


So she swallows the sword, and then bends over.  I am actually nervous.  Grasping the sword, I start to pull it out, all the time her eyes holding mine.  I can see if I was a guy how this could be kind of erotic.  As the sword comes out, I can totally feel the weight and the pull of it as it comes out of her.  There is no way the sword is fake, I can feel it.  Weird, creepy, and ultimately way cool.


Everyone applauds, I step off stage, and the show is over.  I am a part of the freak act now, and love it.

Sunday, November 13, 2005


Ho boy, what a week! I've been on vacation. A real one involving travel and everything.

My sister flew in last Saturday, stayed the weekend with me in NYC, and then we flew out together to Seattle to visit and stay with Seattle Girl and her new family. I was kinda nervous about staying there as we were invading family space for a week without me having previously met any of them, also as I am rusty on the interaction with kids. These worries were for naught as the Seattle Hubby was totally fun and cool, and the Seattle Kids were a delight and a pleasure. And I'm not just saying that because Seattle Girl reads this, either.

Some highlights from this lost period of blogging time:

- When watching the runners near the end of a marathon, you can tell which men did not know to tape up their nipples because they are bleeding. My sister does not enjoy that fact as much as I do. I have a cruel sense of humor.

- Looking over mountains from the top of another mountains very pretty and very cold.

- Seattle is a way neat town with plenty of fun districts. Yes we did the space needle. And it was cool.

- Luddite was and can be used in casual conversation. Impressive and true.

- Performers in a piano bar may give you the finger if you requests Meatloaf's "I would do anything for love", but will really hate you if you request Queens' "Bohemian Rhapsody".

- Yes, cars can float. But only when driven by a man who wears crab and duck hats while acting out "YMCA" by the Village People.

- I won't say there are more homeless people in Seattle than New York, but am willing to bet there are more per square foot. Makes sense, as the weather is more temperate.

- My sister no longer enjoys me telling funny stories that involve her. Guess they will all have to be about me. ;)

- I saw the first Starbuck's and I bowed to my master. Pictures to come.

- At some point my tolerance completely disappeared. I drank about seven beers one evening and was tossing my cookies the rest of the night, even when there was nothing left to come up. This of course was done in the downstairs bathroom with me trying to retch as quietly as possible so the Seattle Kids didn't wake up and hear the bad influence downstairs. At least I could be used as a cautionary tale.

- Even though the forecast says it will rain every day in Seattle, it may not. It only rained one hour of one on us out of four. The precipitation is exaggerated.

- It is possible to lose weight on vacation. I did. No, really, I did. Really. I ate terribly too, didn't matter. We just did a whole heck of a lot.

- I'm a redhead again. It is kind of orange-y right now, it takes some time to convert back to "fiery".

While home recovering from my vacation, Sleepless in Seattle came on, which was really cool. Granted, the only similarity between that movie and Seattle Girl is that a girl from the east falls for a widower from Seattle. But having just come back from the Emerald City, seeing the same scenery and watching fate put two people together now has etched my friends as replacements for Tom and Meg in my mind forever. It helps that having seeing them and their new family so happy together in a way that is movie-like picturesque. Good things can happen to good people, don't doubt it.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

I miss my mojo

Sorry for the dry spell, I've been feeling rather uninspired. Or maybe I'm just tired of blogging about this recent hermit life. Either way, I have taken some time off from output.

But I just couldn't stay away.

On that note, I will blog once more about a health issue, and then for a while I will have some funny stories. I've been able to compile some again. Nice to have my mojo back. This health story is sort of funny, anyway.

Guess what I got for the first time ever this past Thursday? I finally gave in and got myself a gastroenterologist, and he was shocked and amazed that I had gone this long having had a diagnosis of Crohn's disease (16 years ago, I don’t' think I still have it, but anyway) without a scope being put up my butt. He really had to wonder?

So I conceded, and went to get my first ever colonoscopy.

I arrived at the doctor’s office, signed my forms, and was instructed to strip completely naked from the waist down and put on a nice robe. Then the anesthesiologist came in to discuss my medical history and....started flirting?!? In five minutes this man is going to knock me unconscious and see my bare ass getting a scope put up it. For him this is a regular day, but compliments about my eyes and jokes about wedding proposals were not quite what I had in mind.

It was surprising that they did not just kind of numb me or relax me but knock me out totally. I think the most amazing thing about the whole procedure was that when I woke up I woke up right away, was very lucid, and thought to myself...

"Huh, I don't feel violated at all"

Good times. Of course, not feeling like anything had been done to me makes me wonder about some drunken evenings I have had in the past...but that's another post.

Thursday, October 27, 2005


How awesome is this????  I'm not normally a fan of reality tv, but now I'll finally be sucked in...

healthy outlets

I have never been one to take care of things the way I should.  Preventative measures, what are those?  I like spontaneity and spur of the moment.  Give me the adventure every time.
As mentioned yesterday, I had a rough work day.  It happens.  When my day came to an end, I was at a quandary as how to deal with it all.  I didn't want to mull my troubles over any more, I wanted to decompress. 
First thing that came to mind was a drinkfest - I have gone home from a bad day to a bottle and a half of wine more than once.  Problem was that I knew most of my buddies would be out for the count, and not to mention getting drunk would only make the next morning that much harder.  Secondly I thought about a mad chocolate binge, ben and jerrys all the way baby!  But I just lost all that excess weight, gaining it all back would suck. 
Escape, escape...what to do?  Then it hit me!  Movies!  There is nothing to rip me out of my self-obsessed world like sitting down and enjoying a flick in a movie theatre.  So I walked for a while, and ended up at the 23rd st cinema to see "Stay"
Damn, that movie was not supposed to be a thriller, but it scared the living bejeesus out of me.  Halfway through I was SURE someone was going to walk up behind me and slit my throat.  It was so scary seeing it by myself, I started to get the major heebie-jeebies!  It was an okay film, definitely rental but not necessary in the theatre.  It did alright by me, my mind was done with work.  That is the healthiest recovery I've ever had.  Who knew?
To top it off, this morning I did this super-healthy breakfast thing.  I had a super veggie/fruit juice paired with eggs.  All those damn nutrients gave me everything I needed - I didn't even have any coffee or red bull today. 
Do you understand?!?!  No caffeine.  None.  Nada.  I got six hours of sleep and got up to go to my damn corporate nine to five job on no stimulants.
Where oh where has rockstar gone, oh where oh where can she be?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005


I just had a really crappy day at work.  Someone I work with got a major report wrong and I have to deal with the backlash, totally sucks.  To add insult to injury, Ms Random keeps trying to cheer me up, but she is so not funny she just ends up annoying me more and more.  I finally had to say "everybody has a bad day once and a while.  please let me just have a bad day."
Not fair to her, but I am not feeling that whole life is fair thing right about now.

Sunday, October 23, 2005


I am so happy to be eating again. Even better, the pipes seem to be working just fine. The proof is in the pudding, as they say, so we will see how long I go before tummy troubles re-surface.

What I learned from my fast:

- Deep down in my psyche I view my body as my enemy, a sulky child that will turn on me at a whim regardless of how well I treat it.

- It is too hard to try to maintain any kind of workout regimen while on a fast. The body needs fuel for that kind of effort.

- Where I may have been flippant about ten pounds of weight, it actually makes a very significant difference to the functioning of my system.

- Detoxing does really work, both physically and mentally. If I don't get a rumbling in the meantime, I will do a juice fast once a year.

Thursday, October 20, 2005


There is so no way I am extending this fast.  Working out has increased my hunger to unimaginable heights.  I am constantly craving food!  And I have to run this race, so not training is out of the question.
The first few days have to consist of fruit and well cooked veggies, I wonder what I'll crave after that?  Dreaming of recipes...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

funhouse mirror

You know how anorexics and bulimics look in the mirror and see a fat person? I have the opposite problem; I look in the mirror and think I’m totally skinny. Why is this a problem, considering this day and age with so many people who have self confidence issues?

The problem is I have been lying to myself. I think “Oh, if I lose five pounds I’ll be fine” or “I’m healthy!” Then I see a picture and think “Who is that? I don’t look like that! I just don’t photograph well!” Or I go online and check my BMI and it says I am overweight and unhealthy and think that they just aren’t counting in the extra weight I carry in my boobs (two pounds each, at the very least!)

Since I started this detox I have lost 15 pounds. Five will come back on when I go back to solid foods from restored water and digestion weight, but that still is a lot. I have shrunk significantly, as I can tell from the fit of my clothing.

What is really an eye opener is I can tell even more from my visit to the gym yesterday. I have a five mile race to run (or walk) next weekend so I decided to test my lungs and legs by hitting the treadmill.

Wow, fifteen pounds makes a difference. My stride felt graceful, long, and natural. I had not realized how much my body was compensating for the extra weight, how forced my gait was. How much I was putting my muscles and bones through because my body just was too heavy to be enduring that much stress. I am beginning to understand.

The thing that really gets me is that even with this weight loss, my BMI is still too high to be considered healthy. One has to wonder how many of my illnesses have been contributed to by this fact. In order to have a healthy weight, even at the top end for my height, I need to lose an additional ten pounds. I’m even considering extending my juice fast another week. (It would actually be totally safe for me to extend it for two more weeks)

I realize that such an extreme diet does not solve the real problem, which is how I eat and the amount exercise I get. I believe, however, that this fast really is changing the way I see food and my body in relation to it. We’ll have to see when I get back to eating if my food cravings or ability to correctly interpret my hunger are metamorphosed as my books say they will be.

The hardest part about extending this fast is that I really miss eating, and I really miss beer and wine. I’m Irish dammit, this much sobriety is hard on a person!

Monday, October 17, 2005

day seven

Over the last couple of days I have not had the boundless energy as in the earlier stages of my fast. It has gotten more interesting than that. Whatever I put into my body is having a direct and noticeable effect. Its like all my life I have been using my body blind, and now for the first time I have discovered the manual. I am beginning to understand the importance and impact of every item I put into my body. Its not that I never noticed certain foods had certain effects, it is just that they were dulled. So dull that I had to look for them in order to recognize them.

I've heard about people like this, but I never thought I'd be one. It seems I was so bogged down with so many unhealthy items it dulled my reactions, my ability to utilize food in its ultimate form, as fuel. This makes me wonder more about the differences it has on our bodies to eat organic and non-genetically altered foods. If you have never given much thought to what genetically altering food that we eat means, you totally have to read:

This book is a great read and so informative. This author takes a fictional narrative about a couple of families and has them deal with real life issues and conundrums dealing with genetic modification. She has another book:

Which does the same kind of thing but with the meat industry concerning hormones, the conditions the animals are kept in, and what they are fed.

I like being entertained when I'm learning, what can I say.

So even though my hyper-activity calmed to a regular flow, my thoughts maintained lightning speed and clarity. It occurred to me that I have not evaluated my goals in quite some time. I used to do it annually when I got my new planner filler pages. They always came with goal setting exercises, and they were great for boiling down my desires and benchmarking my successes.

In a desire to step back and look at my life, I discovered theses tools are available online for free, just follow the link to create your personal mission statement. Connecticut Jen (now Kzoo Jen?) from previous discussions on the subject, I think you will love this! I know I did.

The exercises gave me a lot of food for thought. I'll mull on it and get back to you all.

Side note, I so miss drinking and kind of can't wait for this weekend so I can fly off the wagon! I wonder how much I'll notice those effects, eh? It will be nice to have a funny story to tell instead of just blah stuff.

my old stomping ground

I've been hearing an awful lot of static on the radio about General Motors lately, with the bankruptcy of Delphi and some huge drop in GM stock.

How are you GMers holding out? What is the atmosphere? Is this dilemna the same as ones past? Are you all considering quitting and getting jobs at the casinos?

Saturday, October 15, 2005

red bull love

I have to admit that during this fast I have significantly cut down on my caffeine intake, but have relented to adding half of a sugar-free red bull into my morning juice. Please note that as much as I love coffee I have been abstaining entirely.

The red bull and I have quite a love affair. To give you and idea, check this out. All three situations are TOTALLY me, but especially the second and third. Rockstar personified!

Oh, and my sister should check out this definition of taurine, as she has been wary of this strange ingredient in the past. Geez, what kind of chemistry degree did she get again that she never heard of this before? Hmmmm... :)

Friday, October 14, 2005

day four

That's right folks; I'm still on the juice fast.

Day two I was chock full of energy, you couldn't stop me or shut me up. My thoughts were clear, my logic flawless. The energy level stayed high all day, and then I crashed around 8pm. I went to bed soon after, but then a funny thing happened. I could not go to sleep. Yep, more insomnia, except this time I was not extra dehydrated and feeling weird heartbeat rhythms. I was just...awake.

Day three was another energy day, and I was able to work until 9pm before pooping out. I took a taxi home, drank some nice veggie juice, went to bed and again and nothing. No sleep for rockstar. I was up until 3am. The fasting books say that when you do not have to digest food you are saving your body wear and tear, thus the effort. The conservation of exertion is what causes the reduction in need of sleep.

This morning it was kind of hard to wake up, and I noticed my muscles felt fatigued after just one flight of stairs. Since I'm drinking juice I'm probably not in ketosis, so there is a risk my body is breaking down muscle tissue as well as fat. I can't have that - I have four races to run yet this year! On the way home I bought some whey protein to add to my beverages. Problem solved.

Besides the energy, clearness of thought and insomnia, another side effect has been some weight loss. When I was water fasting I dropped ten pounds in two days, which was way more than the books said would happen. There was to be significant loss of maybe four pounds the first two days due to water loss. Turns out it is fortuitous I quit the water fast, because I was significantly dehydrated. Yes, I know how ironic it is that all I drink is water yet was dying of thirst. The lack of nutrients in my body was inhibiting my ability to retain liquids.

After starting back on the juice diet, I gained a couple of pounds back immediately, although I am definitely thinner than I was Saturday. My pants are as loose as they were in June when I was training every day for the marathon.

Another strange spin-off is that I have not bitten my nails since Sunday. Somehow the fact that I am not eating has also stopped me from gnawing at my nails. I had forgotten how weak they are, though. They peel off if I scrape something hard. So in an effort to prevent a relapse, I went and bought a tip and gel nail kit and spent two hours putting the damn things on. I cut them very short so as not to inhibit my typing. Heaven forbid I don't blog, what would you all do to avoid working if I didn't keep posting?

I have ordered a slew of fruits and veggies to be delivered to me tomorrow morning from fresh direct to keep me in juice through the rest of this week and the end of my fast. I'm going to try to get back to the gym tomorrow as well, do some very light cardio and start getting back in to shape.

I miss the act of chewing. I’m definitely looking forward to this Sunday when I can eat again!

Thursday, October 13, 2005


Lord god, apple launched the new imac today. I have been obsessively looking at the new capabilities for an hour now. Sorry, I can't list them all because I am absolutely dying of consumeristic lust and can't afford to buy a new computer yet, even though I direly need one. I keep running out of memory on my old school dalmation imac:

Ah well, at least I get to torture myself a bit more and see both new shiny baubles at the apple store this evening. My Mecca.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


But the good kind...the new ipod launched today plays video.

That means you can watch music videos. For god's sake, that means you can download and watch a TV show at your leisure.

The damn thing comes in 30G and 60G, and I think it has a bigger screen to make the viewing easier. It is advertised as being lighter and thinner. Tomorrow I must take a field trip to the apple store and review the size and physical beauty. If it is as small or as portable as my mini, I may cry.

Why the tears? Because if it is as small as it is, they just convinced me to buy two ipods in one year.

Damn I love apple, but I hate them too.

day one redux

My terrific feeling lasted all day today. I was chock full of energy, in a good mood, thinking and movin' fine. In the afterglow of such high spirits I searched the web for the best reasonable priced juicer a girl could buy. I ended up finding the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer, really a good product - it can juice wheatgrass too! Maybe I'll grow some or something...

Anyhoo, after I decided on the identity of my future juicer, I thought to myself "hmmm, I should look for a juicing book”, then literally looked up at my bookcase and what was there, in MY books in my office standing up facing me? Why the book "Total Juicing" of course! Kismet.

Wanna hear more kismet? I trudged myself over to 19th Street and 6th Avenue to the Bed Bath & Beyond and bought my new toy/fad item. Walking onto the subway I looked over and saw an acquaintance I had worked with at the restaurant. "Why kismet?" you may ask? Because she is the only person I have ever met that has fasted before, and I was working with her when she was on one. I had thought about her earlier that day for the first time in at the very least a year since she, to me, was my sole source of actual experience in fasting, my physical knowledge base. She noticed my juicer, and when I mentioned my fast she said, "Wow, that's funny, I'm starting one tomorrow."


So here I am, sipping my "lunch bucket" juice concoction. I think I need to re-read "The Celestine Prophecy" as part of my spiritual/soul journey during this abstention, but not just because of the happenings of the day.

I was reading one of my fasting books last night, and as part of the setting goals chapter I read these two questions, and they really gave me pause:

- Have you ever had the sense that the world around you is magical, alive, luminous, and deeply sacred or mysterious?

- How long has it been since you experienced this feeling?

At first I smiled, remembering when I did perceive the world in such a way. Then I suddenly felt a strong sense of loss and sadness, realizing I don't have that feeling anymore. Literally I was overwhelmed with grief.

The beauty of the second question was that by trying to find the answer, I could see what had happened to change me. It was not one occurrence or a single incident, but a steady progression. Recognizing this gave me the even more powerful realization that I'm going to feel magic and mystery again.

I won't lose it again; it is only by opening yourself up to the possibility of miracles that you can see them at all.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

true believer

I woke up this morning and felt absolutely terrific!!!! Better than I have felt in quite a while. Not even before the pneumonia did I feel this good. After work today I am going to go buy a juicer and get right back on the wagon, if I feel this good after just a two-day tune-up imagine how good I'll feel after a real one? As long as I don't get insomnia again, that is...


Okay, fast is broken. As I lay awake tonight yet again, incapable of falling asleep, all I could do was imagine that my heart rate was irregular and that I felt funny, and then terrified myself into believing that I had an electrolyte shortage and was going to die in my sleep. I think I'll save up and buy a juicer to do a much safer, reasonable juice fast. A water fast is just too extreme, even for me. I'm sure the two days was a nice break for my guts...

Monday, October 10, 2005

day two

Still hungry. Mmmmmmmm foooood. It didn't help that I had today off and sat around all day. Tomorrow back to work, so at least I won't be barraged by fast food commercials. Why god do I so crave taco bell? They must have subliminal messages in the commercials; I don't even buy food from there anymore.

One point to note, the forewarned insomnia hit a little earlier than expected. I totally could not get to sleep last night before six am. That NEVER happens to me. At least when I'm not in pain. It was weird; I just could not get drowsy or nod off. I tried all my tricks. All that did not involve eating, of course.

The energy level has been pretty good, even though I do miss my coffee. I loves me the caffeine. In a point of high spirits today I even signed up for the last four races I need to run this year to qualify for automatic entry into next year's NYC marathon. And I renewed my membership. This is, of course, ironic, as during the fast no strenuous exercise is allowed, thus no training. But the races are all November and December (December ones you get hot chocolate at the end - num!) so I have time to make sure I'm back in shape.

Twelve days left, the countdown continues.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

day one

I'm trying a little science experiment. You all may be familiar with my love of all things NPR, especially the show "This American Life" with Ira Glass. I heard something in last week's episode (#259) that got me thinking. And then I got curious. So in all this time that I have had on my hands being sick and all, I bought a couple of books. B& has same day delivery in Manhattan, don't you know.

What are the books about?


Oh, doggie, has she gone and lost her mind? Hear me out people. According to scads of literature, after two days of fasting the body starts converting stored fats to fuel. After seven, all bacteria, toxins, and illnesses are consumed. I am not thinking some crazy weight loss scheme here; I'm thinking my health.

Of all the times I have been forced not to eat due to surgeries, I have gained that weight back pronto, so I know that the concept of weight loss from not eating is stupid. But when it comes to these health issues, I think these people have something.

After I had my foot of intestine removed, way back in the day, I was not allowed to eat for two weeks. And I was healthy for a very long time – years, in fact. Over time, the frequencies of my little episodes have increased, as you may know. All these books say that if you have digestive problems, this kind of break gives your body time to heal itself that it direly needs. As I have enough extra weight on my bones to keep my body from eating my muscle mass or going into starvation, so it seems like a win-win situation to me.

The books are also big on the whole clarity of mind and spiritual awakening, but if I get any of that it’s just icing on the cake. I just want to stop visiting the hospital already.

So here I am, done with day one. I have gone 24 hours without eating, taking in only water. I feel fine, a little hungry, but fine. Earlier in the day I was sluggish, and my mind was kind of foggy to the point where I was finding it hard to concentrate, but now I'm back with a vengeance. Energy and all. Just like the books predicted. Next I am to expect maybe more hunger tomorrow, and then after 48 hours I should be in ketosis (using body fat as fuel as opposed to my glycogen stores) and my appetite will be appeased.

If anyone asks, I am going to tell him or her I am on a liquid diet to appease my tummy, which is the truth. I'm just doing it longer than I normally would. My goal is to go fourteen days, which the literature I have read outlines as the minimum time span needed to clean out toxins and heal the body.

You, my lucky readers, get to come along for the ride. Yeeha!