Wednesday, October 19, 2005

funhouse mirror

You know how anorexics and bulimics look in the mirror and see a fat person? I have the opposite problem; I look in the mirror and think I’m totally skinny. Why is this a problem, considering this day and age with so many people who have self confidence issues?

The problem is I have been lying to myself. I think “Oh, if I lose five pounds I’ll be fine” or “I’m healthy!” Then I see a picture and think “Who is that? I don’t look like that! I just don’t photograph well!” Or I go online and check my BMI and it says I am overweight and unhealthy and think that they just aren’t counting in the extra weight I carry in my boobs (two pounds each, at the very least!)

Since I started this detox I have lost 15 pounds. Five will come back on when I go back to solid foods from restored water and digestion weight, but that still is a lot. I have shrunk significantly, as I can tell from the fit of my clothing.

What is really an eye opener is I can tell even more from my visit to the gym yesterday. I have a five mile race to run (or walk) next weekend so I decided to test my lungs and legs by hitting the treadmill.

Wow, fifteen pounds makes a difference. My stride felt graceful, long, and natural. I had not realized how much my body was compensating for the extra weight, how forced my gait was. How much I was putting my muscles and bones through because my body just was too heavy to be enduring that much stress. I am beginning to understand.

The thing that really gets me is that even with this weight loss, my BMI is still too high to be considered healthy. One has to wonder how many of my illnesses have been contributed to by this fact. In order to have a healthy weight, even at the top end for my height, I need to lose an additional ten pounds. I’m even considering extending my juice fast another week. (It would actually be totally safe for me to extend it for two more weeks)

I realize that such an extreme diet does not solve the real problem, which is how I eat and the amount exercise I get. I believe, however, that this fast really is changing the way I see food and my body in relation to it. We’ll have to see when I get back to eating if my food cravings or ability to correctly interpret my hunger are metamorphosed as my books say they will be.

The hardest part about extending this fast is that I really miss eating, and I really miss beer and wine. I’m Irish dammit, this much sobriety is hard on a person!

No comments: