Saturday, December 10, 2005

how to drink 'n wink

My friend slash cousin-in-law and I were emailing back and forth this week, discussing her success in using, and her strategies in her success. I am grasshopper, teach me sensei.

I told her that I might have a couple of drinks on the town tonight and then come home and make an online advance or two. Yet I choked.

Seems I have this phobia from the third grade. Yes, from grade school. I know there has been PLENTY of time to get over this, but lets just say that this behavior has had a long time to etch itself into my psyche.

The event is clear in my memory like it was yesterday. My class (Holy Innocents grade school, named after all the innocent children who were slaughtered when Pilate was trying to kill the baby Jesus. Happy thoughts in that catholic religion) were all in the hallway for break time playing games. The popular kids, yes there were already the chosen people in third grade, were in their special area when the girls caught me glancing at the class "stud", Michael Dibb. At least I think that was his last name. Anyhoo, they caught me glancing and mocked me ruthlessly about having a crush on him.

What made it worse was they were right. I had a crush on Michael. And they mocked me forever, probably a whole week. You know how long a week seems when you are young.

So I learned early to hide any special feelings or emotions to prevent being made fun of. To this day I abhor when someone notices that I am into someone before I decide to make it common knowledge. Of course I have extremely observant and outspoken friends, so lets say having them in my life helps me work through the old demons. Or I’m a masochist.

My third grade phobia aside, in lieu of drinking and winking I tried to sneak in my blog contact info into my profile. Even if I make it through, I don't know how fair that really is. If anything, blogging through this past year has made me realize that even in this forum I put on a personality. I show the best, funniest, kookiest, most intelligent version of myself. For god's sake, I have spell-check and a thesaurus.

As much as these posts are letters to myself, in the back of my mind I know to edit for the public. The public consists of my friends, which would actually be the most important reason to care. I try very hard to be honest and yet not insult or hurt anyone I care for. Fortunately I make a fool of myself often enough that I don't embarrass anyone else. They can have their own blogs for that.

The fun question remains, is this blog putting my best foot forward I wonder? I suppose we will see.

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