Wednesday, October 19, 2005

funhouse mirror

You know how anorexics and bulimics look in the mirror and see a fat person? I have the opposite problem; I look in the mirror and think I’m totally skinny. Why is this a problem, considering this day and age with so many people who have self confidence issues?

The problem is I have been lying to myself. I think “Oh, if I lose five pounds I’ll be fine” or “I’m healthy!” Then I see a picture and think “Who is that? I don’t look like that! I just don’t photograph well!” Or I go online and check my BMI and it says I am overweight and unhealthy and think that they just aren’t counting in the extra weight I carry in my boobs (two pounds each, at the very least!)

Since I started this detox I have lost 15 pounds. Five will come back on when I go back to solid foods from restored water and digestion weight, but that still is a lot. I have shrunk significantly, as I can tell from the fit of my clothing.

What is really an eye opener is I can tell even more from my visit to the gym yesterday. I have a five mile race to run (or walk) next weekend so I decided to test my lungs and legs by hitting the treadmill.

Wow, fifteen pounds makes a difference. My stride felt graceful, long, and natural. I had not realized how much my body was compensating for the extra weight, how forced my gait was. How much I was putting my muscles and bones through because my body just was too heavy to be enduring that much stress. I am beginning to understand.

The thing that really gets me is that even with this weight loss, my BMI is still too high to be considered healthy. One has to wonder how many of my illnesses have been contributed to by this fact. In order to have a healthy weight, even at the top end for my height, I need to lose an additional ten pounds. I’m even considering extending my juice fast another week. (It would actually be totally safe for me to extend it for two more weeks)

I realize that such an extreme diet does not solve the real problem, which is how I eat and the amount exercise I get. I believe, however, that this fast really is changing the way I see food and my body in relation to it. We’ll have to see when I get back to eating if my food cravings or ability to correctly interpret my hunger are metamorphosed as my books say they will be.

The hardest part about extending this fast is that I really miss eating, and I really miss beer and wine. I’m Irish dammit, this much sobriety is hard on a person!

Monday, October 17, 2005

day seven

Over the last couple of days I have not had the boundless energy as in the earlier stages of my fast. It has gotten more interesting than that. Whatever I put into my body is having a direct and noticeable effect. Its like all my life I have been using my body blind, and now for the first time I have discovered the manual. I am beginning to understand the importance and impact of every item I put into my body. Its not that I never noticed certain foods had certain effects, it is just that they were dulled. So dull that I had to look for them in order to recognize them.

I've heard about people like this, but I never thought I'd be one. It seems I was so bogged down with so many unhealthy items it dulled my reactions, my ability to utilize food in its ultimate form, as fuel. This makes me wonder more about the differences it has on our bodies to eat organic and non-genetically altered foods. If you have never given much thought to what genetically altering food that we eat means, you totally have to read:



This book is a great read and so informative. This author takes a fictional narrative about a couple of families and has them deal with real life issues and conundrums dealing with genetic modification. She has another book:



Which does the same kind of thing but with the meat industry concerning hormones, the conditions the animals are kept in, and what they are fed.

I like being entertained when I'm learning, what can I say.

So even though my hyper-activity calmed to a regular flow, my thoughts maintained lightning speed and clarity. It occurred to me that I have not evaluated my goals in quite some time. I used to do it annually when I got my new planner filler pages. They always came with goal setting exercises, and they were great for boiling down my desires and benchmarking my successes.

In a desire to step back and look at my life, I discovered theses tools are available online for free, just follow the link to create your personal mission statement. Connecticut Jen (now Kzoo Jen?) from previous discussions on the subject, I think you will love this! I know I did.

The exercises gave me a lot of food for thought. I'll mull on it and get back to you all.

Side note, I so miss drinking and kind of can't wait for this weekend so I can fly off the wagon! I wonder how much I'll notice those effects, eh? It will be nice to have a funny story to tell instead of just blah stuff.

my old stomping ground

I've been hearing an awful lot of static on the radio about General Motors lately, with the bankruptcy of Delphi and some huge drop in GM stock.

How are you GMers holding out? What is the atmosphere? Is this dilemna the same as ones past? Are you all considering quitting and getting jobs at the casinos?

Saturday, October 15, 2005

red bull love

I have to admit that during this fast I have significantly cut down on my caffeine intake, but have relented to adding half of a sugar-free red bull into my morning juice. Please note that as much as I love coffee I have been abstaining entirely.

The red bull and I have quite a love affair. To give you and idea, check this out. All three situations are TOTALLY me, but especially the second and third. Rockstar personified!

Oh, and my sister should check out this definition of taurine, as she has been wary of this strange ingredient in the past. Geez, what kind of chemistry degree did she get again that she never heard of this before? Hmmmm... :)

Friday, October 14, 2005

day four

That's right folks; I'm still on the juice fast.

Day two I was chock full of energy, you couldn't stop me or shut me up. My thoughts were clear, my logic flawless. The energy level stayed high all day, and then I crashed around 8pm. I went to bed soon after, but then a funny thing happened. I could not go to sleep. Yep, more insomnia, except this time I was not extra dehydrated and feeling weird heartbeat rhythms. I was just...awake.

Day three was another energy day, and I was able to work until 9pm before pooping out. I took a taxi home, drank some nice veggie juice, went to bed and again and nothing. No sleep for rockstar. I was up until 3am. The fasting books say that when you do not have to digest food you are saving your body wear and tear, thus the effort. The conservation of exertion is what causes the reduction in need of sleep.

This morning it was kind of hard to wake up, and I noticed my muscles felt fatigued after just one flight of stairs. Since I'm drinking juice I'm probably not in ketosis, so there is a risk my body is breaking down muscle tissue as well as fat. I can't have that - I have four races to run yet this year! On the way home I bought some whey protein to add to my beverages. Problem solved.

Besides the energy, clearness of thought and insomnia, another side effect has been some weight loss. When I was water fasting I dropped ten pounds in two days, which was way more than the books said would happen. There was to be significant loss of maybe four pounds the first two days due to water loss. Turns out it is fortuitous I quit the water fast, because I was significantly dehydrated. Yes, I know how ironic it is that all I drink is water yet was dying of thirst. The lack of nutrients in my body was inhibiting my ability to retain liquids.

After starting back on the juice diet, I gained a couple of pounds back immediately, although I am definitely thinner than I was Saturday. My pants are as loose as they were in June when I was training every day for the marathon.

Another strange spin-off is that I have not bitten my nails since Sunday. Somehow the fact that I am not eating has also stopped me from gnawing at my nails. I had forgotten how weak they are, though. They peel off if I scrape something hard. So in an effort to prevent a relapse, I went and bought a tip and gel nail kit and spent two hours putting the damn things on. I cut them very short so as not to inhibit my typing. Heaven forbid I don't blog, what would you all do to avoid working if I didn't keep posting?

I have ordered a slew of fruits and veggies to be delivered to me tomorrow morning from fresh direct to keep me in juice through the rest of this week and the end of my fast. I'm going to try to get back to the gym tomorrow as well, do some very light cardio and start getting back in to shape.

I miss the act of chewing. I’m definitely looking forward to this Sunday when I can eat again!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

insanity!!

Lord god, apple launched the new imac today. I have been obsessively looking at the new capabilities for an hour now. Sorry, I can't list them all because I am absolutely dying of consumeristic lust and can't afford to buy a new computer yet, even though I direly need one. I keep running out of memory on my old school dalmation imac:

Ah well, at least I get to torture myself a bit more and see both new shiny baubles at the apple store this evening. My Mecca.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

madness!!

But the good kind...the new ipod launched today plays video.

That means you can watch music videos. For god's sake, that means you can download and watch a TV show at your leisure.

The damn thing comes in 30G and 60G, and I think it has a bigger screen to make the viewing easier. It is advertised as being lighter and thinner. Tomorrow I must take a field trip to the apple store and review the size and physical beauty. If it is as small or as portable as my mini, I may cry.

Why the tears? Because if it is as small as it is, they just convinced me to buy two ipods in one year.

Damn I love apple, but I hate them too.

day one redux

My terrific feeling lasted all day today. I was chock full of energy, in a good mood, thinking and movin' fine. In the afterglow of such high spirits I searched the web for the best reasonable priced juicer a girl could buy. I ended up finding the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer, really a good product - it can juice wheatgrass too! Maybe I'll grow some or something...

Anyhoo, after I decided on the identity of my future juicer, I thought to myself "hmmm, I should look for a juicing book”, then literally looked up at my bookcase and what was there, in MY books in my office standing up facing me? Why the book "Total Juicing" of course! Kismet.

Wanna hear more kismet? I trudged myself over to 19th Street and 6th Avenue to the Bed Bath & Beyond and bought my new toy/fad item. Walking onto the subway I looked over and saw an acquaintance I had worked with at the restaurant. "Why kismet?" you may ask? Because she is the only person I have ever met that has fasted before, and I was working with her when she was on one. I had thought about her earlier that day for the first time in at the very least a year since she, to me, was my sole source of actual experience in fasting, my physical knowledge base. She noticed my juicer, and when I mentioned my fast she said, "Wow, that's funny, I'm starting one tomorrow."

Amazing.

So here I am, sipping my "lunch bucket" juice concoction. I think I need to re-read "The Celestine Prophecy" as part of my spiritual/soul journey during this abstention, but not just because of the happenings of the day.

I was reading one of my fasting books last night, and as part of the setting goals chapter I read these two questions, and they really gave me pause:

- Have you ever had the sense that the world around you is magical, alive, luminous, and deeply sacred or mysterious?

- How long has it been since you experienced this feeling?

At first I smiled, remembering when I did perceive the world in such a way. Then I suddenly felt a strong sense of loss and sadness, realizing I don't have that feeling anymore. Literally I was overwhelmed with grief.

The beauty of the second question was that by trying to find the answer, I could see what had happened to change me. It was not one occurrence or a single incident, but a steady progression. Recognizing this gave me the even more powerful realization that I'm going to feel magic and mystery again.

I won't lose it again; it is only by opening yourself up to the possibility of miracles that you can see them at all.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

true believer

I woke up this morning and felt absolutely terrific!!!! Better than I have felt in quite a while. Not even before the pneumonia did I feel this good. After work today I am going to go buy a juicer and get right back on the wagon, if I feel this good after just a two-day tune-up imagine how good I'll feel after a real one? As long as I don't get insomnia again, that is...

hypocondria

Okay, fast is broken. As I lay awake tonight yet again, incapable of falling asleep, all I could do was imagine that my heart rate was irregular and that I felt funny, and then terrified myself into believing that I had an electrolyte shortage and was going to die in my sleep. I think I'll save up and buy a juicer to do a much safer, reasonable juice fast. A water fast is just too extreme, even for me. I'm sure the two days was a nice break for my guts...

Monday, October 10, 2005

day two

Still hungry. Mmmmmmmm foooood. It didn't help that I had today off and sat around all day. Tomorrow back to work, so at least I won't be barraged by fast food commercials. Why god do I so crave taco bell? They must have subliminal messages in the commercials; I don't even buy food from there anymore.

One point to note, the forewarned insomnia hit a little earlier than expected. I totally could not get to sleep last night before six am. That NEVER happens to me. At least when I'm not in pain. It was weird; I just could not get drowsy or nod off. I tried all my tricks. All that did not involve eating, of course.

The energy level has been pretty good, even though I do miss my coffee. I loves me the caffeine. In a point of high spirits today I even signed up for the last four races I need to run this year to qualify for automatic entry into next year's NYC marathon. And I renewed my membership. This is, of course, ironic, as during the fast no strenuous exercise is allowed, thus no training. But the races are all November and December (December ones you get hot chocolate at the end - num!) so I have time to make sure I'm back in shape.

Twelve days left, the countdown continues.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

day one

I'm trying a little science experiment. You all may be familiar with my love of all things NPR, especially the show "This American Life" with Ira Glass. I heard something in last week's episode (#259) that got me thinking. And then I got curious. So in all this time that I have had on my hands being sick and all, I bought a couple of books. B&N.com has same day delivery in Manhattan, don't you know.

What are the books about?

Fasting.

Oh, doggie, has she gone and lost her mind? Hear me out people. According to scads of literature, after two days of fasting the body starts converting stored fats to fuel. After seven, all bacteria, toxins, and illnesses are consumed. I am not thinking some crazy weight loss scheme here; I'm thinking my health.

Of all the times I have been forced not to eat due to surgeries, I have gained that weight back pronto, so I know that the concept of weight loss from not eating is stupid. But when it comes to these health issues, I think these people have something.

After I had my foot of intestine removed, way back in the day, I was not allowed to eat for two weeks. And I was healthy for a very long time – years, in fact. Over time, the frequencies of my little episodes have increased, as you may know. All these books say that if you have digestive problems, this kind of break gives your body time to heal itself that it direly needs. As I have enough extra weight on my bones to keep my body from eating my muscle mass or going into starvation, so it seems like a win-win situation to me.

The books are also big on the whole clarity of mind and spiritual awakening, but if I get any of that it’s just icing on the cake. I just want to stop visiting the hospital already.

So here I am, done with day one. I have gone 24 hours without eating, taking in only water. I feel fine, a little hungry, but fine. Earlier in the day I was sluggish, and my mind was kind of foggy to the point where I was finding it hard to concentrate, but now I'm back with a vengeance. Energy and all. Just like the books predicted. Next I am to expect maybe more hunger tomorrow, and then after 48 hours I should be in ketosis (using body fat as fuel as opposed to my glycogen stores) and my appetite will be appeased.

If anyone asks, I am going to tell him or her I am on a liquid diet to appease my tummy, which is the truth. I'm just doing it longer than I normally would. My goal is to go fourteen days, which the literature I have read outlines as the minimum time span needed to clean out toxins and heal the body.

You, my lucky readers, get to come along for the ride. Yeeha!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

luck

So I ended up in the hospital again, tummy troubles. I had to explain to at least, no exaggeration here, fifteen different doctors my health history. As normal it took them about nine hours to get around to taking a CAT scan, and of course the blockage cleared by then giving them nothing to work with but my past, causing each and every one of them to ask me more and more questions. I even had an EKG taken, which was a new one for me.

What's kooky is with this bout of pneumonia I have been to the hospital three times in three weeks. Thank god for having health care!

Yesterday the doctor insisted I stay the night for "observation." Always a fluke. All that ever means is "we aren't sure what is wrong with you, but need to feel like we have done something so will hold you here like a bug under a glass to achieve some sense of control of your situation." I even had to fight to be released this morning. They prescribed me with a bunch of Crohn's disease drugs, made me promise to follow up with a gastroenterologist, and sent me on my merry way. Thing is, I think I'm still over Crohn's and have another adhesion, just way worse than the other one. I'll have to get a colonoscopy to prove it though. THAT should be loads of fun.

One point of interest, even through all the regular temperature and blood pressure checks (about one an hour to keep any person from getting a solid night of sleep, don't you know) I managed to sleep about 24 hours straight. Oh, and I had one doctor who was shocked that I had thrown up at least eight times the other night, like that was so many. Obviously that was enough for me to go to the emergency room, but I've had worse. Silly interns.

I'm actually feeling pretty good, no small part because of the woman who shared my hospital room, Amy. She was on her eighteenth day being in there, with no end in sight. Amy has some very rare form of cancer that has affected her liver, causing her to overproduce steroids. Among a ton of other symptoms, she has gained about fifty pounds, as she put “to add insult to injury.” She is undergoing slews of chemo. Unlike many roommates I have had in the hospitals, Amy is incredibly intelligent and refined. Soft, calming voice, excellent grammar and vocabulary, and I could see an avid reader of literature and newspapers. The kind of person I very much admire. Seeing her have an illness so much worse than mine really kept my trials in perspective. I most likely can do something to fix myself, and it should be a lot less arduous than chemo. I really hope she gets better. She has a good chance; since her disease is so rare every doctor is obsessed with her and her treatment. Amy admitted that she knows that in some weird way she is lucky to be able to generate that much attention.

Seeing someone like Amy stay strong has a great way of kicking all my self-pity out of the window. As sick as I can be, I am still really lucky.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

r.e.m.

This Codeine stuff has been giving me really weird dreams. I dreamt today that my dad was getting attacked in Disneyworld by a lion while my sister and I stood by and watched helplessly. Later on I dreamt I was having sex with a paraplegic. Really hot sex. (What can I say; I’m a sucker for strong arms) I have also had dreams this week taking me back to the mongolian bbq, general motors, michael jackson, and zombies. Whenever I have dream periods of my life there are the zombies.

I recently learned that people in your dreams tend to be combinations of people in your real life, that they represent more than one person at a time. For instance, that dream about your mother could represent your mom, your therapist, and your girlfriend all at the same time. That would be an exact paraphrase from a psych textbook a friend was studying from.

So I don't know who my dad, the paraplegic, or the zombies represent, but I'm really glad I'm out of Codeine so I can deal with one dream at a time like normal.

If given a choice, I'll go back to the paraplegic first, please.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

observation

You know what's fun? Sneezing after eating about ten baby carrots. Well, its fun if you like lots of orange.

Monday, October 03, 2005

get it started

Ah readers, I rather gypped you on my last hospital story. Now that I have had a few doses of antibiotics and have gotten tons of sleep thanks to our friend Codeine, I feel up to giving you the whole shebang.

I walked into the hospital emergency room Saturday night just after seven o'clock. I had discovered the weekend prior that on Saturdays and Sundays the lull period is between seven and ten. The day's injuries have been treated, and people have not gotten sufficiently liquored up enough to start seriously hurting themselves yet. As anticipated, the waiting room was fairly empty, save for the security guard, an orderly on break watching TV, an elder Hispanic man waiting for someone, and a rather giddy-acting couple waiting with what seemed all of their belongings in garbage bags. The Godfather was on the TV, and there was quite a bit of audience participation going on. The giddy couple was acting pretty strangely, which kind of had me on edge but I had faith in the security guard's presence.

I didn't have to wait long. I got admitted to triage within ten minutes, which is like lighting compared to other emergency room visits in my experience. Just like last week, they took my blood pressure (fine), my pulse (fine), and my temperature (fine). Then they put on the finger thingy for my blood oxygen and it started to beep. Funny, I don't remember it beeping last week. The triage nurse asks me to take a deep breath. I do, start coughing, as I can't take a deep breath without doing so. He checks off another part of the form and I go on to provide my health care info.

I was called in to see the doctor at the same time as the woman from the giddy couple. She took the bed next to me and started to get treated first.

"Why are you here today?"
"To detox" she mumbled
"From alcohol and heroin?"
"Yes"
"When did you have your last fix”?
No answer, the doctor repeats the question and she mumbles incoherently.
"Did you just shoot up, is that why you keep falling asleep?"
"Yes"

And from there it goes on. This woman has been living in a hotel and has been on heroin for years. She also drinks at least a six-pack a day, and when she doesn't drink she gets tremors and hallucinations. She had gone through detox once before, nine years ago, and it had worked for a while. She is ready to quit now because she is tired of being an addict. The doctor orders some tests and she falls asleep, snoring lightly. He then moves on to the patient in the bed to the other side of me. As he walks by I notice he's a bit older, balding but seems to be in pretty good shape.

On the other side of me there is a young man that looks like a gangbanger. The doctor explains that his heart palpitations were due to stress, and overall to depression. He discussed prescribing antidepressants, and setting up sessions with a psychiatrist. That depression was normal and often presented in physical forms. Also that the young man most likely would only be on meds for six to eight months until the depression past, up to the discretion of his follow up care.

Now it’s my turn. The doctor comes over, asks me about my symptoms. No, no no, I answer, I only have a cough. I've had it for two weeks and it won't go away. I notice he's not wearing a ring. He's kinda cute. He looks in my ears, my nose, down my throat. He listens to my chest, has me take off my shirt and put on a robe to listen better, un-hooks my bra to get an even better listen. I'm thinking he seems apologetic, almost uncomfortable while this is going on. I, of course, have no pride nor shame in hospitals, I have bared my ass so many times in those damn robes I don't even try anymore. Really, I have become a hospital nudist. It also helps that as most hospitals are filled with old people I always feel like the hottest girl in there and my confidence quotient skyrockets. But I digress.

He then says, "hmm, let's try something" and has me put on another blood oxygen monitor. We watch it together for what seems an eternity but really is a minute. I say "normal, right?" and he pauses, then replies with something funny like "unsystematically abnormal". "Oh!" I say, surprised. Crap, I start thinking, just when all this marathon training is going so good. All I need is some lung ailment or disorder. C'mon already! Let me get this marathon goal! Aarrgh!

Off I go to get a chest x-ray. I walk over, get scanned, and then they hand me the films and say, "give these to the doctor"

This, people, is all strange. Normally you wait hours between procedures, have to be wheeled back and forth, and they normally don't hand you x-ray films and then shoo you off. Not that any of this is bad, it’s just new.

So I walk back and hand the films to my waiting doctor. (Also new). I follow him to the lighted screen as he puts up the x-rays of my chest. My first thought? My boobs look good, nice an even. Then I can clearly see that my lower right lung is all cloudy. He then, without pause, says "yep, pneumonia."

"Pneumonia??" I scream. "What?? I've been resting, drinking OJ..." then of course I realize I am shouting at the kind doctor, so I apologize and explain that it's not him, its just shock. He seems uncomfortable with me looking over his shoulder, so I walk back over to my bed and sit down.

After a minute he comes back and explains the medications he is going to prescribe, and how I should use them. I get dressed, then go to the desk and wait for my forms to get released.

The doctor at this point has finished taking care of everyone to a point. He is waiting for the results of the detox woman's tests, the depression guy is gone. I'm thinking the doctor is hot, so try to chat him up a bit. I ask how you get pneumonia, if they are always this slow Saturdays, blah blah. He is responsive and conversational, but eventually the nurses come back and I start to feel silly being miss chatty, so I am left waiting for my paperwork in silence. Finally it comes, I sign by the X. As I leave, I wave and say "Thanks guys, have a good night!" and they wave back, looking rather surprised. I'm not really sure why, maybe it was my casualness and comfort while leaving. Maybe they are not used to that much cheer.

Since then, it has occurred to me that I could have made much more effective advances on the good doctor. I liked his bedside manner, I liked him. In lieu of wandering around the hospital pointlessly the next few weeks in hope of "bumping" into him, I have decided to send him a thank you note to his office. On this note I will mention if he were interested I'd love to meet him for drinks sometime, and give him my number. I'm thinking of sending him a fruit basket or something too, but that may be a bit too much. We’ll see.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

health care

Well, I'm finally sick enough to get antibiotics. After resting and drinking my weight in orange juice several times over, I have developed walking pneumonia.

Score! I haven't ever had pneumonia before. The x-rays were cool, my right lung all cloudy and such. My boobs looked good though.

It just kills me that I have to wait to be sick enough to get treated. Preventative health care makes so much more sense to me than reactionary.

Happy girl now with Zithromax and cough syrup laced with Codeine. Ah, drugs take me away!!

Friday, September 30, 2005

guilt

I admit, as a side effect of being a workaholic I have presenteeism. I went back to work before I was all the way better, because I felt so guilty for being sick in the first place. As my cough started to get worse, I ended calling out sick yesterday and today.

This morning as I was calling out, I checked my voicemails. My boss had called and left not one, not two, but three messages at ONE THIRTY AM. The first was in anticipation of the next day, as was the second. The third was after she checked her voicemails and heard me calling out sick the day before.

At this point, I'm thinking, "oh my god, this project is so huge she's up this late, I've got to go in."

Then I realize my boss has no sense of reality and call out sick anyway. I don't want to be her! My life does not revolve around my job. I take pride in doing good work and being needed, but not at the expense of my health.

Not to mention I can't go see Serenity until I get over this cough, I'm on a timetable here! Priorities people!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

hocus pocus

Still coughing, it is getting worse again. I don't even smoke anymore! At this point I am sick (to phlegmy to laugh) and tired of being sick.

It occurred to me the reason why I have been falling ill so often is germs.

Duh, you say. What I mean is that I go through the whole rigmarole - I exercise, eat well, take my vitamins, get my sleep. The problem is much more basic than this. I still bite my nails.

That would be as close to germs as you can come my friends.

As I have tried every other method in the book, I believe my next step is.... hypnotism. I know for a fact that Seattle Girl quit smoking by using one! Darling girl, do you still have the phone number? If you do please shoot it my way. I gotta stop eating bacteria; it's murder on my lungs.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I have found religion

Thank you, believers of intelligent design, for helping this ultimate truth be revealed to me.

Ohm.

the will is strong

But the body is weak.

Today I went back to work, after being home for SIX WHOLE DAYS, only respite being a trip to the hospital to beg for drugs (failed) and a couple of OJ runs. Yesterday I really thought about going to work, but as I was still a bit heavy-headed decided to work from home. Surprisingly it worked out very well.

This morning as I woke up I threw my fist in the air and said, "I'm back!". Yes, really. No nausea, no headache, just a ghost of a cough left. Game. On. I showered, ate breakfast, and went on my merry way to work.

The walk to the subway was pleasant - 65 degrees, sunny, slight breeze. Beautiful morning. The kind that people write songs about. With a skip in my step and a song in my heart, I go down into the subway and catch myself the A train downtown. The train was a little crowded, as expresses can be, and the first leg from 42nd to 34th st was fine.

Then it hit.

A slight bit of nausea. Deep breaths, deep breaths, I can make it. The doors close. Then open. Then close. Then open. I'm in the middle of the train, starting to sweat now. I'm feeling light headed, kind of unsteady. We start to move. I'm sweating more now, thinking about how if I have to I can throw up into my bag. Really don't want to have to clean it out afterwards though. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Keep calm, shifting from foot to foot. You think some of the people around me would be concerned that I'm about to explode. Okay, we passed 28th street, almost to the next stop and I can get off there. You can do it - don't puke don't puke don't puke. Sweat is dripping from my hair, running down my collarbone. I start to see colors swirling in front of my eyes. The train starts to slow, approaching the station, I maneuver towards the door and..... get off the train.

Oh thank god. I can sit down on a bench, gather my bearings. Do I go home? I'm closer to work than home at this point. I'm feeling better already. Looking up, I can see police officers across the platform, glad to know they are there if I need help. I let a train come and go, realize I'm fine now, and get on the next E train.

In transit, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in one of the windows. I AM DRENCHED. You ever see a naked gun movie when they make someone sweat and just pour water right over them? Yep, I am solid liquid. Even my hair is dripping. All during a train ride that lasted maybe three minutes, tops. I think I scared a small child and a tourist or two on the E train. What is wrong with that girl who is soaked with sweat on a 65-degree day? If I was of Arabic descent I'm sure I would have been arrested.

Fortunately it is a couple of blocks to work from the station, and the nice breeze dried me off a bit.

The moral of this story? Avoid public transit after being home for extended periods due to illness. Take a taxi, save your bag. Or at the very least, your make-up.

Monday, September 26, 2005

panic

So... I noticed on my sitemeter that I had a visitor from Queens the other day and FLIPPED OUT. It is true that I have been considering releasing my blog to my local friends, but after some editing. It is not my intent to insult or injure those around me. In my adrenaline flurried daze I went in and did some minor cuts and snips, but did not do the major job type stuff editing.

Yes there are a lot of people who live in queens, but this person specifically searched Blogger for "publishing rockstar", which would be some words that are used commonly in reference to me. Not normally together, but you catch my drift.

I did leave in the work bitching and moaning. There has been no call-back from the major financial company (I know EXACTLY where I blew that interview), but I still have my options open. So until I get closer to full disclosure, I'll leave the work rants as they are.

Of course, if one day you notice this site is blank...just email me, I can and may have to change the web URL in a flash. ;)

Saturday, September 24, 2005

why did you move to NYC?

Having been home sick for the past four days, I have to say "Amen!" to living in the city that never sleeps - and that always delivers. Everything I have needed has been brought to my door. Orange juice, vitamin water, movies (technically not delivery as on demand), and dinner from around the world. I have eaten Italian, Indian, Chinese, Mexican, Japanese, and Mediterranean. Not too much of any of the above, as my illness also reduced my appetite. (Thank god for small favors!!)

Quite often I am asked why I moved here. Even over this last rafting weekend it was inquired of me several times. My response tends to be simple and true - "I wanted to live there."

Of course it is more than that. It is that I feel at home here. Just as much as home as I do in the house I was raised in, that my parents have been in for 33 years. There is something about the life, the bustle; the freedom to be who you are that is necessary to me. Likewise, the potential for the extraordinary to be ordinary.

For example, on any given day I could be (and have) encountered the following:
- A person playing a harp (in the subway)
- Eating a burger at the bar where Dylan Thomas died, noticing John Turturro at the next table over
- Someone riding a six-foot tall unicycle wearing a three-piece suit (obviously part of his regular commute)
- A helicopter landing in the VIP heliport with secret service type men around
- A four-story tall robot that I really thought was going to walk on me

Et cetera, et cetera. Yes, I crave a life unpredictable.

All of that aside, there is something more in my love for this town. As much time as I spent last weekend looking at nature in all of its resplendent beauty, I felt just as much, if not more, awe and respect in seeing the New York City night skyline as I approached home. My heart was overwhelmed by pride knowing that I live THERE, that I am one of those twinkling lights in the sky. The joy I feel at that sight never has matched any wonder I have felt towards nature.

Until that changes, in NYC I will stay. Start spreadin’ the news…

Friday, September 23, 2005

blech

Being sick sucks. You have time off, but you are too miserable to enjoy it. To top it off, you get to stress about the work you are missing in the meantime. Rockin.

For entertainment's sake, check out this government site, see if you notice anything interesting...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

fever

Came home from work last night and got a killer fever. I swear to god I have the most faulty immune system ever. One thing, there is little that feels better than when medication kicks in and you stop shivering. The wave of relief is sooooooo nice. Hooray for drugs!

Monday, September 19, 2005

rafting

There has been a significant amount of change in my life over the past seven years. One thing that has remained constant is my annual white water rafting trip.

My cousins started organizing this adventure many many years ago. I'm not sure who originated the outing, but I know that at one point it was managed by my cousins Joe and Suzanne, to be taken over by my cousin Cath, and most recently is being arranged by myself. We go to the same place every year, Drift a Bit in West Virginia, to raft the New and Gauley rivers. In a way it has become a comfort to arrive each fall, to come back to a place that essentially stays the same in this ever-evolving world.

The funny thing is, I'm not really sure why I enjoy these trips so much. It seems that every year something rather uncomfortable or painful occurs. Not of anyone's fault, merely by chance. For example, one year I got a killer bladder infection the night before the trip. As the constant need to pee might become a wee (pun intended) bit uncomfortable while rafting class five rapids, I went to the local emergency room and got some antibiotics - which were so strong they caused intense nausea and eventually vomiting at 3 am. This led to another visit to the emergency room to get drugs to replace what I spewed. After no sleep I raced back to Drift a Bit in the nick of time to make the bus for the rafting trip. Drama drama close call.

There are many more stories of this kind where the rafting trip is involved. Yet I love it so. Maybe it is how complete of a getaway it is. Nine hour drive, no cell phone reception, no watches. Every meal is a struggle, every minute stretches to an hour. Maybe it is the beauty of the West Virginia Mountains. Maybe it is the fresh air.

Maybe it is the rafting guides.

There is something about the guides that is undeniably hot. It could be their deft ability to handle a boat of tourists down a death trap a la mother nature, or the way they shout out the commands with such authority, or the fact that you know that your life is safe in their hands. Whatever the quality, those tan rugged men have a way of turning us city girls to Jell-O. Let me tell you, they have starred in quite a few of my fantasies. They definitely are recurring characters when I...well, you know...think and stuff.

This reaction is not limited to myself, as all the girls who join in the trip fall under their spell. Well, except the taken ones I suppose. But I digress.

This year I got some serious flirt time with a guide. A little bit of time on the river, some more on the bus ride back, a few beers later on. Such a hottie, gorgeous blue eyes. And unfortunately, quite the gentleman. No action, but oh so much temptation.

The killer is that I am no shrinking violet. I tend to be fairly forward and direct. These long standing rafting guide fantasies could have finally come true, but when faced with them in reality I choked! Looking back I could have suggested a walk, taken a drive, something - anything.

To add insult to injury, the second day of rafting I had to go in a different guide's boat in order to join friends that I had been looking forward to riding with for some time. As I said goodbye to my hottie later that day, I could sense his disappointment on my lack of follow-through. So not only did I let a long standing fantasy right through my fingers, but now I'm the famous cock tease from New York.

Great, just great. I suppose it wouldn't have been a regular trip if something hadn't of gone a little awry. And there is always next year. ;)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

drat

It's official, Alias has SO jumped the shark. Vaughn is double agent and she's preggers? Dude. Duuuuuuude.

At least I still have Battlestar Gallactica. And if Serenity does well at all maybe they'll bring back Firefly.

Hope hope hope.

bit of a follow up

Just to keep you all in the loop:

1) Everything came out okay, like clockwork with no problems. Viva la Ex-Lax!!

2) Major financial company called to schedule face to face interview. Seems I must not have high balled them. Woo hoo!

3) Tomorrow I am off to my annual rafting trip, always fraught with drama and excitement. Blog to come of trip adventures in the past. Today I spend in capitalistic frenzy in attempt to procure last minute items.

4) Yes I did wake up at 9:00 on my day off, the end of the world is nigh.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

too much information

So I have this history of tummy troubles. I woke up Sunday night with some pain. It was sudden and kind of intense. Little bit of nausea. Luckily a couple of pills down the hatch and forty-five minutes later I was back in slumber land.

At the moment of awakening I realized I could have foreseen the incident and pre-emptively medicated. How? Well my friends, I had not taken a dump in two days.

And I still haven't...

I am seriously ten pounds heavier. It's like I'm carrying bags of sand around my waist, its crazy. My middle has expanded like two inches. My colon is carrying FIVE DAYS worth of food. The thing is, I would really like to fix this. I've tried fiber, water, cheese, beans, caffeine.....

As a last ditch effort, I have purchased laxatives. I went all out and bought the chocolate ones to "treat" myself. (Chocolate, in any form, is a treat)

Two doses later I am primed and ready.

Wondering how things will come out, aren't ya?

Monday, September 12, 2005

maternal

I almost just invited my mother to read my blog. The words were typed, the disclaimer added. This is a rated R site, I would say, not quite to NC-17 or anything.

Then I came to my senses. My mom may love me, but she doesn't get me. And that is just darn cool the way it is, I say.

Guess I'll just have to email her more often. (Yes, you read that right, I do not call my parents I occasionally email. It works.)

Saturday, September 10, 2005

growth and change

In moving to New York, I discovered something about myself.

I have... an irrational fear of kites.

Who knew?

A couple of years ago I was lounging in Sheeps Meadow in Central Park with some friends, and noticed a kite flying above us. Suddenly my stomach was in knots and I could not tear my eyes away. Pictures of the kite suddenly diving and impaling me would not leave my mind. I just knew that the moment I looked away it would attack.

Several minutes into my dazed obsessive fear my friends noticed my silence. Laughing, they asked why I had suddenly grown so quiet. I motioned to the kite and managed to choke out "I don't know how safe that is."

Mind you, there are hundreds of people spread out over this lawn. That kite crashes and suddenly it is a new yorker skewer.

They laugh, brush it off. Then they start to notice the continuation of my strange behavior, and I had to admit to my sudden overwhelming paranoia. I even started to occasionally cry out a warning when I noticed a sudden swoop. The damn thing eventually landed without incident, but I tell you it was not soon enough.

Since this first incident I have been in many more populated areas with kites. And each and every time I cry out "Ahhhh! Kite!" Yes, my friends laugh. And I stare to the sky incessantly.

They'll thank me when I save their lives.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

baby steps

In an effort to be a rolling stone and gather no moss, I have been applying to jobs. Also because I'm frustrated with my current supervisory situation, but hey, it's hard to say that in a cover letter.

I just finished a phone interview with a major financial company. This job is totally up my alley - I am absolutely qualified to a tee. The interview was smooth, relaxed, upbeat, and intelligent on both sides.

Then came the last question from the interviewer.

"What salary are you looking for?"

HOLY MOLY I hate that question. I have so no idea what I'm really worth in the world. How unique are my skills? As a person I am confident that I am one of a kind, and as a worker I am sure that I am an asset to any organization.

So I picked an amount that I knew my current employer could not match. The interviewer's response was unreadable. I hung up, having ended on a note that I cannot measure, and am therefore now loaded with doubt. Sure, I asked for 20-30 percent more than I'm making now, but moving from the notoriously underpaid publishing industry to a technical position in a major financial company should be accompanied by a good price tag, shouldn't it?

Guess if they call me for a face to face interview we'll find out.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

fair and balanced

Ah, the afterlife, a subject of much debate.

For those of you who don't know me, I am agnostic. I believe that there may be some kind of higher power out there, but think organized religions are bupkis. That may sound too strong, it’s more like I believe that our attempts to define a god or gods are kind of like the efforts a baby calf being raised in a box for veal in describing the world. Limited, constrained, restricted.

My family, on the other hand, leans toward the VERY CATHOLIC side. Once I asked my mother what the meaning of life is - what the purpose is to her being alive. She answered me, completely deadpan and serious and without missing a beat, "To know God, to love God, and to serve God."

Now that is faith.

My mom prays for me, my brother and his clan pray for me (constantly growing clan as Catholics spur conventional birth control), and my grandparents always prayed for me. They pray that my poor soul will be saved so one day I may rise to heaven. I know because they have told me so over and over and over. I always politely say "thank you" and change the subject. It is a nice sentiment, but as I don't believe in any heaven I'm not going to change my views simply because they have informed me of their prayer patterns.

I was thinking the other day about this post I had done, and if it was fair of me to really skip over the religion question.

Then it hit me.

If my religious family is right and there is an afterlife, I will hear an ETERNITY of "I told you so". Do you understand? An eternity! We are talking eroding down Mt Everest by one feather falling every millennium eternity here. And you know they will never get tired of saying it, no matter how cool heaven could be.

If I'm right? No afterlife and therefore no "I told you so."

SO not fair! Where is the justice? The balance??

Oh, right, those are concepts that come from those gosh darn religions.

God damn it!! (hahahahhahaahhahhahahahahaha)

Saturday, September 03, 2005

katrina

Just like most of you, over the past few days I have been glued to the TV in horror, watching the events unfold down south. When I heard that Katrina as coming and New Orleans was evacuating, I registered the info but rather brushed it off. I had a friend who was living there about ten years ago and was unable to evacuate as ordered from another hurricane due to lack of funds, she had come out okay. Some of us even spoke to her on the phone mid-hurricane when she was afraid. It was hard to hear, but having 'experienced' some horror and damage I assumed Katrina would be of the same kind.

Then I heard about the levee. You all do realize that normally we observe hurricane damage on homes and people, but it is the failure of this one structure that caused the complete ruin of New Orleans. What is even worse was the fact that the New Orleans newspapers foretold this EXACT tragedy years ago. Levee is getting old; structurally losing its integrity, one strong hurricane and this city that is below sea level will be obliterated. Okay. Thing is, the article did not stop there, it went on to talk about the inability to effectively evacuate, the lack of food and water at the Superdome, problems with power and sewage, and the health hazards of the water flooding the city. My god how can we be a super power and not protect our own.

As the week unfolded, we saw how ugly the citizens of our own country can be. Looting, random crimes, people shooting at police and rescue workers. Everything that could go wrong did, New Orleans became a war zone filled with sick, dying, hungry, and desperate people.

In a weird way we were spoiled by 9/11, and even the blackout. I was here in NYC, on the streets with everyone, walking home each day. Order prevailed. I remember early in the day of the blackout thinking to myself to be wary because I was sure looting was to come, as the area where I lived was ripe for that kind of crime.

No such thing happened. I stayed safe, sheltered, fed, watered, and generally unthreatened. Of course after 9/11 I was in shock and horror, but I did not fear my safety from my neighbor. We banded together, we became one proud strong city, one proud strong nation.

Why has New York stayed so safe and New Orleans such a war zone? Some people are blaming Bush, saying that our forces and resources are overseas, draining our strength. Some people are pulling the race card. I agree that these two things helped the situation go from bad to worse, but the main reasons are probably these two things:

1) The rich and the powerful had fled New Orleans. People who lead, who catalyze change and organize people tend to have a modicum of money and influence, and ran for the hills. NYC was caught by surprise and with everyone in town, not to mention they have a lot more of the leadership types by ratio to the rest of the country anyway. And no way no how were they going to allow themselves and their families to be in danger, thus mobilized to shut down any potential problems.

2) There is just more money in NYC. A whole lot more. This is a capitalistic country, and money talks, at the expense of human life.

Everyone seems overwhelmed with the events that have passed. I read a lot of blogs, this is something that none of us can ignore and all of us want to help with. As little as we can do, to be utterly cliché every little bit counts. Here is a great jumping off point.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

taking my life in my hands

In telling this story the other day, I realized I should post it for posterity.

The story of the time I went skydiving.

A group of people that my sister worked with organized a skydiving trip. Sis and I signed up. A couple of our cousins are experienced skydivers, and they quite highly recommended the venture.

We showed up to the field (Skydive Tecumseh!) to start our training. We paid $120 for a six-hour class that would end with a static line jump, none of that wussy tandem crap for us.

The next eight hours consisted of the jump instructor telling us WE WERE GOING TO DIE. He explained to us all of the things that could go wrong. He recalled the tale about the girl who was found dead on the ground with her hands secured around her chute straps, having pulled on them instead of the backup parachute handle when her main chute failed. He had us practice hanging from fake harnesses, screaming TWISTED LINE to get our automatic emergency reactions down pat. He made us jump off a six-foot ledge to rehearse landing. Again, all the time hearing how WE WERE GOING TO DIE.

Eight hours later they gave the boys the blue jumpsuits, my sister and myself the pretty yellow ones. I guess girls need to dive with more feminine colors? At this point my sister and I are having grave (pun totally intended) doubts. Thing is, there is no way no how we are going to betray our sex and bail when the boys don't. We will not misrepresent the female gender and back down.

Now, I forgot to mention the great part about these jumps. They are little itty-bitty planes, like in the english patient or indiana jones. Two seats and just enough room in the back for the jump instructor and three jumpees. We go in hooked to the static line, and when the instructor tells us we execute our exit in this manner:

1) Walk out onto the plane wing
2) Hang from the plane wing
3) Let go of the plane wing

Okay, so part one and two - got it, got it. Wait - let go of the plane wing???? Hanging in the air from a flying plane - let go. Uncurl your fingers from the grip of life? Are you serious??

Oh yes, yes I am.

Sis and I are steeled for our endeavor. No six hours of life threats will back us down now. Strong like bull.

The flight instructor then comes over and tells us that the winds are too high to jump today, but as we have paid we can come back and complete the jump any time in the next year.

All the boys came back for the jump the next week. They loved it.

Hells naw I didn't go back. Are you crazy?

I may not have jumped, but I paid that buck twenty for a really great story. Awwwwww yeah.

Monday, August 29, 2005

new years!!!!!

Hey all! Connecticut Jen, RFW, and I are planning a trip to Vegas for New Years! Bally's hotel.

We have been talking about this for a couple of months, speculating and whatnot. I would have emailed a bunch of you, but put it off until our plans became more solid.

Suddenly it seems hotels are booking up, thus there is no time for tomfoolery. You know I'd love to see you people, if you are even thinking of joining us book a room now! You can always cancel in a month or two with no penalty if you change your minds.

Cmon, all the cool kids are doin it...

Sunday, August 28, 2005

vma's

A few thoughts that come to mind while watching the vma's.

- Green Day ROCKED. They absolutely deserved all of those awards.

- Lindsay Lohan looks exactly like Hillary Duff. Why? And what in god's name happened to her boobs? They were so well loved, and now they are gone...

- Hilary Duff is so emaciated she doesn't even look like herself. How terrible. She and Lindsay are supposed to be Disney-type role models for children?

- Pre-show crap done by MTV sucked. They are not good at juggling live events. (note live 8)

- Diddy knows how to host. Now if he just could get his name straight.

- I may regret admitting this, but Kelly Clarkston really did a terrific job. She put on a great performance.

- My Chemical romance was totally gypped. Gwen Stephanie was not.

- Are Ciara and Missy dating?

- Have Beyonce and Jay Z broken up?

- I gotta teach myself the guitar and make a video so I can win a moon man and get to some of these after parties. Teach these fools how to really roll.

- Oh, and teach myself to get real.

Now back to our ordinary programming.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

tourist



I finally went to Coney Island! Spent all day there, it was a gorgeous day and a total blast!

Friday, August 26, 2005

conflict

I had a total fight with Random Girl Wednesday night, She sensed some anger from me, and asked about it. So I let her have it.

Boy, she didn't like that. In response, she lied, diverted blame, and then tried to brush me off on the head of my dept. I called her out on each and every comeback. At the end of our 45 minute discussion, as a peace effort I tried to end with "I'm feeling much better about this, I think we can work this out. Do you feel better?"

Her response was "I never feel good, it doesn't matter." Can you say hello, drama queen? This is my boss?

Next day she stopped by before leaving to apologize. Oh, and let me know she was going to be out the next day.

Like I'm not covering her ass every day anyway? Please.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

life span

Today was a bad stomach day.

This means I was in pain, occasionally nauseas, and very fatigued. Luckily it was a temporary partial blockage, so no actual vomiting or hospital visit was in order.

Quite a life, eh?

I dragged my sorry ass into work anyway. Residual guilt from being out sick four days two weeks ago, combined with the hope that my day would improve were my motivators. As I spent my lunch hour curled into a ball on my office floor, a few things occurred to me.

First of all, my office floor is much dirtier upon closer inspection than anticipated.

Then the big thoughts. There are people out there who don't get sick all the time like me. This is not a lament or a complaint, merely an observation. Seriously, if I had been born 100 years ago I would be dead already.

This I am okay with. I don't know if any of you caught it, but the series finale of Six Feet Under played this past weekend. It would be an understatement to say it was phenomenal. This, by far, was the most poignant ending to a series I have ever seen. As I am a crier, I believe I shed tears for at least half of the 75-minute episode. The next day, thinking about the show on the subway to work, I started to tear up all over again. We are not talking just of the tightening at the back of the throat, but real welling of teardrops.

The episode really made me think about life and death in a whole new way. For me it brought home how transient life is, but in a way that makes you contemplate more about the mortality of your loved ones than yourself. I have a huge family, consisting of about 15 aunts and uncles, 36 cousins, parents, two siblings plus in-laws, and two nieces, a nephew, and a zygote on the way. Of the cousins, only eight are younger than me. That adds up to a lot of funerals in my future.

How overwhelming. I didn't even count friends, people whom I have known on an even more intimate level.

Legacies then crossed my mind. The whole "what is the point?", "why are we here?", "what do we leave behind?" conundrums. Even if you have children, your memory fades and disappears after three generations. It seems that 99.9% of the population lives, breathes, and as time moves on vanishes as if never existing on the planet.

Religion crossed my mind. Then kept walking.

I know this may seem selfish, but I think I would rather be one of the earlier ones to go. Go out while I am still bright and shiny. Not lose all those people I care about. I'll look good in all the pictures; people will remember me as sharp as a tack. Not to mention stopping the pain. If I am this sick and yet so healthy, I don't want to get much worse.

This of course easy to say in casual conversation, when not faced with actual death. Rhetorical like. Maybe I just need to get myself some better painkillers.

Or a couch in my office. That way I'll sleep instead of thinking of all this cheery type stuff.

Monday, August 22, 2005

cut off!

Work email recieved a couple of weeks ago:

"Effective September 1, 2005, due to legal reasons, the Company will be blocking access to the following:

            personal Internet email accounts,

            instant messaging and

            chat rooms.

If any employee feels that there are compelling business reasons for accessing any of the above, however, please contact me in the Legal Department."

They can block my google email, but they haven't blocked blogger yet! Vive le blogging!

chemical motivation

Do you know there are people out there who can function without coffee in the morning? The fabled “morning people”.

I have been doing this nine to five gig for almost five years now. Fully aware of my addiction to late nights, I make a consorted effort to get to bed early and get enough sleep.

No matter what, I am a zombie without my caffeine. Be it coffee, red bull, tea, or soda, I just gotta have it. It’s not an addiction thing either; I don’t get coffee headaches or withdrawals of any kind. I just am tired. Lackluster. Less than.

It’s not like I haven’t tried other avenues. Vitamin B, chromium, uber vitamins…nada.

Today I made it to 10:20 am before finally giving in to the java monster.

Makes me wonder – the head of my department, she is over 40, mother of three, 5’8” and only 118 pounds, lives an hour and a half away – and NEVER drinks caffeine. I want whatever she’s taking.

Did you know that residents have to show up to the hospital at 6:30 am for rounds? Can’t wait for that one.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

what a relief!

See, I picked up this new book "Why Do Men Have Nipples?", which I heard about on NPR. It is a book full of answers to kooky questions people ask doctors after a few drinks.

According to the book, alcohol does not kill brain cells! Woo hoo!

This book is awesome. All those inane geeky type questions and myths I love to know the secrets behind. Like does a shot of bourbon cure a cold? Why are yawns contagious? Why do you laugh when tickled?

I could not put this sucker down. Yay obscure knowledge!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

simply the best

So. How good are you?

That's always a fun question. Go above and beyond self-esteem assessment, we are talking how do you place yourself?

Since my last promotion, I am becoming more and more aware of how much of an asset I am to this company. That sounds egotistical, but really it is a complete tone of wonder. Like the man in Talking Heads says, "how did I get here?"

Don't get me wrong, I've always been top in my class. Top 10%. I was never the smartest person. Not even the cream of the crop. I hung out with the cream of the crop, and gilded some knowledge from them. (Yo, Colorado boy, remember Digitals? Exactly.)

Therefore, I always kind of assumed that I could have some influential jobs, but the real leadership goes to the top two or three percent. Right?

I guess not. Okay, I know Bush is president and he sure as shit didn't graduate with honors. But somewhere I still had this Pollyanna idea in my head that the gifteds rule the world. As I am not one of them, I innately believed in a kind of glass ceiling. That's why I never even considered trying for an actual MD earlier in my life. It literally never crossed my mind that I could do it.

The most ironic thing about this whole situation is I am one of the most positive people on the planet. I ALWAYS look on the bright side. I never say never. I carpe diem.

Heck, forget being a doctor. I think I'll rule the world instead.

Monday, August 15, 2005

partials

This morning on the subway the woman next to me could not stop looking over at me. She did not look insane, so I rather disregarded it.

On my walk to work I noticed a person or two looking my way. It occurred to me that although while walking in this burg I try to remain as inconspicuous as possible to avoid trouble, I am not invisible.

I thought about the big fish/small pond big fish/huge pond concept and how I am so much more used to blending in than I ever have in my life. Thoughts of my Rubine fuchsia hair and doc martens crossed my mind. How resigned I was once to always being the person people stopped to ask for directions. Why mad hair color increased accessibility I'll never know.

While unlocking my office door I noticed I had arrived to work with my shirt inside out. Seams and all.

Philosophy inspired by my occasional lack of ability to notice detail. It's better, I suppose, than the time I wore my workout pants inside out at the gym and did not realized until I made it home. Yes, people stared that day too, but in my mind it was in appreciation of my ass.

Glass half empty or half full? Just needs to be topped off with some more bubbly, I say.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

happy anniversary

to my tummy! Today is the one year anniversary of my hernia repair! Wow, twelve months ago exactly my entire abdominal wall was reconstructed because of a seven centimeter gap in my lining.

Boy, did that one hurt. Not the hernia, the recovery. It was the most painful of all my procedures, but also the quickest recovery.

My tummy still looks pretty too. Flat and almost scar-free. Plastic surgeons rock.

anger

I have been unable to fall asleep due to the fury filled diatribes that cross my mind. All I can think about is the myriad of ways in which my boss sucks.

You know what this means. I cannot be this obsessed and not do something. There will be words this Monday morning.

No more mr nice rockstar.

Friday, August 12, 2005

who? wha? where?

So I just came back today from being out sick all week and discovered that my boss is absolutely USELESS.

Not only was she not able to handle a damn thing, but she messed things up even worse than they already were, and aggravated everyone to the point of explosion. She also put everything off until I came back and could clean up her mess.

It is one thing to feel wanted, but it is another thing entirely to know that things will not be taken care of or fall to the wayside because your boss is incompetent and incapable. I have been here four hours and have not even gotten to read any of my 350 emails for cleaning up her messes.

Seattle Girl, you could come back and do a quarter of what you did before and you would be like a godsend, I kid you not!!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

spam

Okay, they have figured out how to spam blog comments! Check out the comments on my last post. I wonder if it is en masse or some poor schlub has to go in one by one.

Madness.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

hiatus

Wow, it has been a while since I posted. I went to the Jersey Shore over the weekend with Spaghetti and RFW, had a fantabulous time. Relaxed, took in some rays, chilled out. We even decided to forgo beer for ice cream. Now that is a culture shock!

I was kind of sick at the end of last week, battled it off over the weekend, and my immune system finally succumbed on Monday. I was out sick three days!! I slept seventeen hours each night. That is something. Here I am, a pretty good specimen of health, and a little bug knocks me out flat. Fresh out of an H.G. Wells novel.

Back to work tomorrow, back to my full time posting, back to life. Good to see ya'll.

Friday, August 05, 2005

growing up

I find the hardest part about being an independent adult is keeping me fed.

It never stops! I have to eat something at least three times a day, if not more. The constant endless need to consume tires me. It takes me at least an hour and a half every waking day to take in my meals, and at least another 45 minutes to prepare them. Then add in grocery shopping and planning and whatnot, its crazy!

Yes, I like eating, and yes, I like food. I am not a picky eater, either. It is just that the amount of time and energy I have to put into filling my gullet constantly surprises me.

As a youth, I was fortunate in that my parents took good care of me. I was sheltered, clothed, and fed. They always made sure their children had "something to eat".

My current existence is without that particular luxury. I am great at eating, and will eat everything in my house - until there is nothing left. I swear to god, I open my fridge and if there is something edible in there I do a little dance. Last night I woke up and nearly died of joy because I found that I had some fruit to nosh on.

I suppose it is a testament to the luxury of my life that I can complain about something like this. No worries about being able to have access to food, afford to eat food, or have time to get food. I don't have any other mouths to feed besides my own, either. It's just that of all of my imaginings of my adulthood, no concept, dream, or idea ever incorporated this much effort regarding meals.

It only took me 33 years to get it - surviving is still what we all essentially do. Take off the bells, whistles, shrink wrap and delivery it all boils down to the basics.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

lloyd

Once upon a time, I had a ficus named Lloyd.

He was named after Lloyd Dobbler, from Say Anything fame. One time dream guy, indicative of desires past. But I digress.

So I had this plant - well, bush - definitely not a tree. He was about two feet tall when I bought him. Then boy, did he grow. He got bigger and bigger and bigger, I had to re-pot him a couple of times.

Eventually while living in Hamtramck, I put him on the porch. As much as I hate to say it, I was tired of taking care of him. So I let him go.

When I let go, I do not kid. I did not water that plant for a year.

He Would. Not. Die.

Eventually the guilt overwhelmed me, and I started to take care of Lloyd again. He flourished. In no time flat he was four feet tall and three feet wide, with no end in sight. He did not need me to survive, but my attention helped him to grow.

This, to me, is a poignant analogy to the truly great friends in my life. Many times I may forget to keep in touch, and then neglect further out of guilt. The thing is, as we are true friends, that connection does not die. No matter what, be it drought, tornado, or flood, when I think of them, I smile. And they of me. Within five minutes of our next conversation, we know our connection survives, intangible as it may be.

You know who you all are, and the knowledge that you are there means the world to me.

super size me

chicken fries?

Chicken Fries?!?

CHICKEN FRIES?!?!?

Monday, August 01, 2005

whimsy

I worked another one of those really long days today, not leaving until after nine. Is it normal to crave foregoing dinner for a bottle of wine after a day like that?

Normal or not, floating off on a fuzzy cloud sounds so nice. Happy vino drunk.

Eh, I resisted. Girlfriend's gotta get up early and get to the gym. See, working a twelve hour day does not leave room for excessive drunkenness.

Stupid work. Gets in the way of my social life. I gotta start playing the lottery.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

darwinism

You know, I really do believe in evolution. I love being able to explain all kinds of physicality and behaviors due to efficiency of survival.

For example, I enjoy the elusiveness of the female orgasm as a means to generate more selectiveness on the part of the woman in choosing a mate. I appreciate the higher stronger urge of male copulation, since the odds of actual conception per ejaculation are so low. It is way too much fun that the odor of vaginal fluids will significantly increase the desire to mate by a man regardless of female appearance. It is also too cool that the more vested a male of any species is in the upbringing off the offspring, the more particular it is in choosing and the more monogamous it will be.

There is some kind of evolutionary theory for most of what we do. That kind of information I tend to pick up and store, as opposed to box scores or football statistics.

You know what I have never heard a theory about? PMS. I can surmise the bloating and soreness, as the body prepares to become a fertile nest. But why the emotional roller coaster? Have there been any tests to see if the frequency sex differs for women who are affected more or less strongly by emotional waves due to hormones?

Really, what is up with that? I wonder if Kinsey, if allowed to complete his studies on women, would have come up with anything. Damn puritanistic patriarchal culture. ;)

Saturday, July 30, 2005

undead

While watching any horror movie, I always picture myself as the survivor. I could run, I could fight, I could do what is necessary to survive. Be it warewolf, vampire, freddie krueger, or the living dead. Ass would be kicked, the evil will be beat down.

And then I saw a roach yesterday, a big one. Yuck, right? I run, grab the bus spray, and drown the sucker. The concept of squishing the thing? No Way. Crunch - squish - ew.

How the heck am I going to bash in the head of the undead if I can't kill a roach? Gotta work on that one.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

different strokes

According to dooce, this guy is mormon dating gold.

I just. Don't. Get it.

He's even got a billboard.

Okay, I know it is part of a marketing campaign for LogoWorks, and obviously it is working. I'm even blogging about it.

You gotta admit, it is funny. I remember some chick in Michigan advertising for a date on a billboard. I wonder how that worked for her. Or was it a him? It was a while ago, that brain cell must have fallen victim to a Jager shot.

Oh, and random thought - my sister wants to wear a dress like Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady to her wedding, so if anyone has connections with any drama departments or seamstresses, give me a shout. No, I'm not kidding. Yes, she really does. Proof positive we are blood, what can I say.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

oh the possibilities

My sister and her boy toy picked a wedding date - hooray!

Of course, he has not popped the question yet. They have had the rings for a couple months now. The happy couple is having fun with the suspense, I think.

This wedding is going to be fun. I even offered to come out early to help get it all into place. There is work to be done, my friends!

As the only bridesmaid so far, I have complete liberty to pick out - hold your horses - ANY dress I want, as long as it is not white. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I COULD DO HERE?

Eh, I won't upstage the bride. As tempting as it would be to dress as Lola from the Copa.

Copacabana, that is.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

vindicated

They say when you fall off of a horse, you need to get right back on again.

In that spirit, I got my sorry butt out of bed at 6:30 am today to enter the 4M Run for Central Park race. This was a total last minute decision. Not only did I feel the need to prove that I can do better than my sorry performance earlier this week, but I'm running out of races for the year. I have to run nine qualifiers in 2005 to be entered automatically into the 2006 marathon, and before today I only had four under my belt.

So I got up and got to the park. It was a beautiful morning, sunny, 78 degrees, with a nice cool breeze flowing. The four mile course had some hills, but skipped the evil Harlem Hill. I started out strong, and actually felt really good through most of the race - completely the opposite of the Nike Run Hit Wonder on Wednesday.

Best part - I finished with an average 10:35 mile! That is better than my goal of an eleven 11-minute mile, I am so thrilled! Net time 42:23. (For those of you who know my secret identity, you can actually look up my races by my name at nyrr.org).

Back in the saddle again. Giddyup!!

Friday, July 22, 2005

quandry

I just wanna know - how do little people stay thin?

Really. I just signed on to fitnessjournal.org as motivation and tracking for my workout and weight loss regimen (I am always on a diet. always). It came highly recommended, I figured I would give it a whirl.

So I sign on, and fill out my basic stats and goals. It is really cool because it allows me to list the races I want to enter, when they are and what times I want to complete them in. Basically it is accounting applied to fitness, which a geek like me totally gets into.

During my setup, this tool calculated my Basal Metabolic Rate, based on my height, age, gender, and weight. It is supposed to be more accurate than just the old fashioned height and weight method.

The old method said that my BMI was 1800, so anytime I ate less or consumed more was gravy. Not hard, I could handle it.

This more accurate method says my BMI is 1153. Crap!! Every health document out there says it is unhealthy to eat less than 1200 calories a day, so a plain ole diet is out the window. I literally HAVE to work out to lose weight.

That leads me, once again, to my initial question. If I'm just 5'2" and that's all I can eat - what the heck do little people eat? Their internal organs are supposed to be regular sized, so don't they get just as hungry as almost little people like me? Sucks bad enough that they have to deal with all kinds of prejudices and stupid people staring, but they can only eat like a piece of fruit a day to stay thin? Not fair, not fair at all my friends.

Yes, I know life is not fair. And yes, I really do spend time thinking about these kinds of things.

out of touch

I just found out about the second set of bombings against London.

The only news I listen to is NPR, and that tends to be when I am getting ready for and when I am at work. I am so disconnected otherwise.

This is so sad, so terrible. It is so hard to stomach that something like this could happen in the same place so soon.

Honestly, living in a city of this size, I am aware of the difficulties in keeping it secure. There are a million and one ways every day that something bad could happen. I don't want to think about being in danger. I don't want to imagine I am at threat.

So I won't. But I will keep my eyes open. If you see something, say something.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

nike run hit wonder

Yesterday I ran that 5mile race in 90 degree weather.

Maybe run is too strong a word. More like jogged slowly and walked.

I started out strong, but mother of god the heat was just too much for me. The fact I haven't trained in over a month probably didn't help any either. I finished the race in one hour and four minutes, pretty much how long it has taken me to run 6.2-mile races in the past. Amazing how quickly you can get out of shape if you let go!

The really cool part about this race was the free music. The Donnas played before, and they really rocked. If they come to your town, you totally have to check them out. They have a great stage presence and some solid tunes.

During the actual runs there were other performers stationed along the way, which to tell the truth was kinda stupid. Sure, I got to be within ten feet of Chingy and Fountains of Wayne to name two, but a whole five seconds of each as I was RUNNING BY. I was a little more focused on breathing and not passing out. Joan Jett and the Blackhearts performed afterwards, they were okay. The Donnas were better, I think.

So here I am, back on the diet and training regimen. I'm really going to have to start getting up in the mornings to work out, I just can't motivate to do it at 8:30 when I get home from work Monday thru Thursday. It should be a good practice in discipline, if I want to get to medical school I have to get used to sleep deprivation anyway. Going to bed early would be the most logical option, but it is against my nature, so we will see if the early workouts can change such proclivities.

This vacation was much needed, even if I am not traveling anywhere.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

stamina

Still at work. I'm going on fourteen hours straight here.

In another 15 minutes I'm going to run through the halls naked.

Just because. Really, when do you get to do something like that at your job???

Monday, July 18, 2005

uncle!

I worked for twelve hours today. Most likely, I will have to do the same tomorrow. Even though I would have to because I'm kind of behind in my work, the main reason is because I am on vacation Wednesday thru Tuesday! I had requested off with hopes of visiting Seattle Girl, but sadly could not scrape the airfare funds together. Grrrrr.

This means I get to have some NYC adventures! Indoor ones, most likely, to avoid the sweltering heat. On the other hand, I am actually considering the beach, we will see.

When I get back to work next week, it will be interesting to see if Random Chick (my boss) has cracked. She is at the breaking point, if she lasts another six months I'll be shocked. It's too bad, but I guess for her it was a trial by fire. As long as she doesn't get taken out wearing a straight jacket. That job just breaks people.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

words

One handy thing about being able to maintain a high level of concentration - you can finish a book in one day. It took me approx. ten hours to read a 652-page book.

It was fabulous.

I laughed, I cried, I have a strong urge to buy a magic wand. The new harry potter was great, as expected. I foresee that this book may not be the favorite of the set for many. Most people will still say number four or five in the series is the best. I love them all equally for what they do, for the growth stages they represent. The best part (I will not be a spoiler) was where the end of book six leaves you.

The rest of the weekend was pretty nice. I spent some quality time with friends who have been just as busy with work lately as I have. It was really nice to see them, to catch up. We have all been working really late nights a lot lately, and Spaghetti even worked a whole 24 hours straight at one point. Those concepts of the single girl in the city partying like a rockstar, going out most nights of the week? Pshaw.

In the events of catching up with my gals, learned something new about myself. In an effort to really catch up on recent times, I asked my friends a lot of questions. Very carefully I listened, digested, really made an effort to see how they are doing. After several hours of me absorbing, I started to get angry because no one was asking me about myself. The feeling that I was only appreciated as an audience, a sounding board, made me feel so insignificant and hurt. I mean, don't they want to know how I am doing? How my weeks have been? Throughout the evening the frustration would build, and then several hours and several drinks later I practically exploded talking about my life, eeking bitterness. This same pattern happened two nights in a row.

The build up and explosion pattern is not what I learned. I learned that the problem is that I'm getting angry about something that I can fix. If I just said early on, jokingly - "hey, you should hear what is up with me!” or something of the sort - no buildup, bitterness, explosion. Once again learning how to ask for what I want, communicate my needs, seems the most obvious path to take, but was hidden from me.

It is so funny that I have mastered this ability in work, but it comes late in my social life. I suppose one lesson learned in a way led to the other. Now if I can master this new personal life skill maybe I’ll get the gumption up to reply to one of the fifteen winks and six emails I got from match.com. Yup, I posted again. After all, I was inspired when I just saw Shakespeare in the park:

"Most friendship is feigning, most love mere folly:
Then heigh-ho, the holly!
This life is most Jolly."
-William Shakespeare "As You Like It"

Thursday, July 14, 2005

pure joy

I have not been able to stop talking about the next harry potter book. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince:

Not only does it go on sale at midnight tomorrow (or Saturday morning, depending how you want to look at it), but there is a whole festival going on that was set up by the publisher. That's right, here in NYC an entire city block is closed down to become DIAGON ALLEY. It is in SOHO on a small brick-paved street, and I'm sure will look quite authentic. For you, my loyal readers, I will take pictures and upload.

After enjoying the festival, I will be picking up my reserved copy the minute it goes on sale. I may even skip going to bars this weekend in order to read. How much of a geek am I?

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

unlimited potential redux

Tonight I am off again to see Weezer in concert, but sadly my fantasy is much less likely to occur, as I am in a sky box in some huge arena. Nassau Colleseum.

I hate large venues. Only my love for Rivers Cuomo propells me to go. That and my friend having an extra ticket. I would not have made the effort to buy one on my own. Not to mention I actually have to travel to Long Island to get to this place. Blech.

Tonight I will be wearing my @eezer tanktop with all the rhinestones - maybe they will reflect into Rivers' eyes, he will look up at the skybox, see me, and then fall madly in love with me. Or at least madly in lust. I could settle. He would think to himself "who is that rockstar?", not knowing I AM Rockstar!!!

Have I ever mentioned that when I'm bored I tend to go off into my own little fantasy world? Heh.

Monday, July 11, 2005

infamy

So in case you didn't know already, bloggers are hot.

This distinction was not made by me, oh no. Thank you People magazine, they named this dude one of the 50 hottest bachelors. JUST BECAUSE HE HAS A POPULAR BLOG.

Okay, I gotta admit, his blog is pretty darn entertaining. I particularly enjoy this. You know, I would spend $1,000 just to see his reaction to someone paying him to be their houseboy no holds barred. I would schedule the weekend for about a month in the future - enough time to drop some really evil implications and suggestions of his future duties. Why do I so enjoy the idea of torturing other people?

Please do not confuse, I do not consider myself among the "hot" bloggers, I'm still too whiny for that. Only after entering a few months of scintillating, spicy, witty blogging could I almost enter that genre. I would like to think my 36D cup could make up for some of the narcissism, but it seems like 75% of the blogs out there are female, so tis for naught.

Back to mr famous blog guy, check out today's entry, it is funny because it is true. Darwinism in action, I do say.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

the lost weekend

I do not know what has come over me, but I have become some kind of hermit. Not only did I bail on every outing this week (friend's bar night, cousin's bday party, friend's leaving work party, general group catch up/get together), but after leaving work Friday afternoon I came home - and stayed here.

It is like I entered my cocoon and could not leave. After this week, I worried that I had formed some kind of dependency on television, and therefore spent all day Saturday with it off, reading and listening to various radio programs. Still unmotivated, I eventually turned it back on.

What happened? To my energy? Excitement? Sense of adventure? Lust for life? Energy? Desire? Where has Rockstar gone?

Growing up, I always felt…different. Always the outsider, looking in. There has always been an innate curiosity for me about how other people tick, not only for understanding’s sake, but also a bit to see where I fit. Admittedly, I felt the most at home when surrounded with other 'outcasts'. In high school, it was the drama club. In engineering school, the partiers. Post college, the non-careered. I have also found much comfort from my gay friends, because in a much smaller way I understand their sense of wanting to be accepted for who you are, since being able to change is not an option.

As of late, I have been lulled by stability, seduced by security. This corporate life is not for me, as much as I may try to convince myself otherwise. It cannot be denied any longer, my reluctance to continue with the facade (work words, not mine) does not come from fear or insecurity. It comes from the undeniable me.

Over the weekend I watched a trailer for the movie Waiting, and was overcome with longing. I so miss that life. Not for the financial insecurity, or the constant disappointment of bad tips, but for the freedom to act myself. The freedom to be me.

Mind you, I do not miss waiting tables here in NYC - the facade was needed to be a server here. In this city you sell yourself 24/7 when working for tips. Here waiting tables is for actors for a reason.

I have restructured my goals.

First, I get myself out of debt. This will take endurance and courage, as I will have to stay at the job eight more months in order to accomplish this. Once my debt is eliminated, I can secure half the income that I make now and live in the same comfort. Sadly, this means still no travel, no shopping for fun, no relaxing the willpower in the near future.

Secondly, get my booty into grad school. Looking online to research what I need to do, I felt that spark inside light - the me that I have been hiding. I am shooting for med school and a psychiatry degree, but will take psychology or a masters if I can get it. It is of no matter that after taking myself out of debt I am throwing myself back in, what better reason than a happy future?

After these, my goals blend. Running the nyc marathon, dating someone, traveling outside the US, buying a new IMac, all wonderful ideas I can dream of. If I was to become a new person and settle, I could live them instead. I could be the person my parents hope for. Not because they disapprove, but because they worry.

As much as I wish to grant them that security, I can’t. I just gotta be me. And trust, as I always have, that not only will it be more than enough, it will be extraordinary. I cannot settle for less.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

London

I have to admit, when I turned on the radio this morning my heart stopped. I heard the serious tone of the reporter, and the words "to recap the events of this morning", and knew something terrible had happened. As awful as it is to say, a wave of relief passed over me when I heard the events went down in the UK and not here in NYC. Flashes of 9/11 had passed before my eyes, panic mode of "what do I do now" had coursed through my veins.

When they continued to describe the bombings in London, I worried for my work friends there. There are a couple of people who come over a couple of times a year whom have become close with. Since this morning I have heard they are okay, and am relieved.

This really brings home to me the idea that what the UK lived through when the IRA constantly made terrorist attacks. Previously I had somewhat sympathised with the cause, although not so much the methods. I suppose it is sad that it took so much violence close to home to awaken me to the dept of the injustices that were done.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

not in my backyard!

Very, very, very happy the olympic bid for NYC was rejected. As I live on the west side, the west side stadium would suck for me. Likewise, the congestion of so many more people here is totally unnecessary. I'd rather travel to another location in the US than deal with it here.

Congrats London, it's all yours!!

good cable

I'm paying a kazillion dollars just so I can watch Queer As Folk in its last season, but what do I do in-between episodes? Already having burnt through all the on-demand movies and other series, it has been a matter of dredging through two hundred channels of blah and whatever.

Until the recent inception of LOGO, that is, which rocks my world. Last night I watched Torch Song Trilogy, now I'm watching Erasure in concert. If you don't have this channel, you need to call someone.

Thank god, this channel will tide me over until my series of choice ends, I can drop the over-rated pay channels and get TiVo instead. Drool, TiVo...

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

happy birthday, USA

As tomorrow I return to work from my holiday, there are a few things I learned over the weekend that I would like to share:

- Fireworks in NYC are pretty, but even though toted as best in the US, Detroit's give them a good run for their money.

- If a sunburn is bad enough, you will continue to peel over a week later. I am shedding skin like a seventy-year-old man who ran out of Rogaine sheds his hair, and was burnt ten days ago.

- People say that Matthew Broderick can't act, that his best role was Ferris Bueller. They obviously have not seen Torch Song Trilogy. Makes me cry every time. He was in the play before Ferris, and in the movie after Ferris. That takes chutzpah.

- It is completely impossible to sit through an entire fireworks display without saying "ooh" or "aah". I may try to get a government grant to prove this fact. It could be a simply biological thing, like how when happy every human being smiles, regardless of culture. People got money to figure that one out, why can't I do a good one too?

- Shakespeare for me always inspires wonder. The idea that the simple truths of mankind remain the same boggles my mind. I had never read As You Like It, but by god that did not reduce the complete pleasure of seeing it performed this weekend. The language intimidates, but the wisdom dictates.

- Live 8 actually gave me some hope. They do not want our money, they want our voice. Sadly I have become too cynical, and doubt that millions of people all over the world will really influence those eight most powerful men of the world.

- Dakota Fanning the next Drew Barrymore? Hmmmm.

- Batman Begins is truly awesome because of longstanding archetypal storylines. Same storylines found in classic mythology and movies such as star wars. These truths, if told well, always entertain and inspire. This movie tells them well. Also helps that Christian Bale is hhhhooooooottttttt.

- War of the Worlds. Eh. Book was great, so it had a plot to work from. Action good. Acting okay. Effects good. Overall, it serves its purpose as an action adventure flick, I suppose.

- When I get drunk I fight with Bacon. I have to learn to stop that; it is not fair to her.

And for the piece de resistance:

- My brother and sister in law are preggers again, with number four. Where their excessive Catholicism and use of the rhythm method of birth control had a lot to do with the timing of the previous three, this one was planned. As conceived in Disney World, I'll never be able to look at Mickey the same way again.