Sunday, July 10, 2005

the lost weekend

I do not know what has come over me, but I have become some kind of hermit. Not only did I bail on every outing this week (friend's bar night, cousin's bday party, friend's leaving work party, general group catch up/get together), but after leaving work Friday afternoon I came home - and stayed here.

It is like I entered my cocoon and could not leave. After this week, I worried that I had formed some kind of dependency on television, and therefore spent all day Saturday with it off, reading and listening to various radio programs. Still unmotivated, I eventually turned it back on.

What happened? To my energy? Excitement? Sense of adventure? Lust for life? Energy? Desire? Where has Rockstar gone?

Growing up, I always felt…different. Always the outsider, looking in. There has always been an innate curiosity for me about how other people tick, not only for understanding’s sake, but also a bit to see where I fit. Admittedly, I felt the most at home when surrounded with other 'outcasts'. In high school, it was the drama club. In engineering school, the partiers. Post college, the non-careered. I have also found much comfort from my gay friends, because in a much smaller way I understand their sense of wanting to be accepted for who you are, since being able to change is not an option.

As of late, I have been lulled by stability, seduced by security. This corporate life is not for me, as much as I may try to convince myself otherwise. It cannot be denied any longer, my reluctance to continue with the facade (work words, not mine) does not come from fear or insecurity. It comes from the undeniable me.

Over the weekend I watched a trailer for the movie Waiting, and was overcome with longing. I so miss that life. Not for the financial insecurity, or the constant disappointment of bad tips, but for the freedom to act myself. The freedom to be me.

Mind you, I do not miss waiting tables here in NYC - the facade was needed to be a server here. In this city you sell yourself 24/7 when working for tips. Here waiting tables is for actors for a reason.

I have restructured my goals.

First, I get myself out of debt. This will take endurance and courage, as I will have to stay at the job eight more months in order to accomplish this. Once my debt is eliminated, I can secure half the income that I make now and live in the same comfort. Sadly, this means still no travel, no shopping for fun, no relaxing the willpower in the near future.

Secondly, get my booty into grad school. Looking online to research what I need to do, I felt that spark inside light - the me that I have been hiding. I am shooting for med school and a psychiatry degree, but will take psychology or a masters if I can get it. It is of no matter that after taking myself out of debt I am throwing myself back in, what better reason than a happy future?

After these, my goals blend. Running the nyc marathon, dating someone, traveling outside the US, buying a new IMac, all wonderful ideas I can dream of. If I was to become a new person and settle, I could live them instead. I could be the person my parents hope for. Not because they disapprove, but because they worry.

As much as I wish to grant them that security, I can’t. I just gotta be me. And trust, as I always have, that not only will it be more than enough, it will be extraordinary. I cannot settle for less.

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