ghosts of make outs past

He was the department head of the group parallel to mine. I was an assistant fresh out of the box, working for the company a whole four months. It was St Patrick's Day, four years ago. I had been in the city five months, just out of a two year relationship, a little insecure but ready for action.

We drank a lot, flirted a lot. He had to leave, I walked him out.

"I can't do this." He said.

"Yes, you can." I replied.

It was hot, it was definitely good. But at that point in my life I was inexperienced in the invite home. So he went his merry way.

We talked on the phone. I asked him out, he said sure but then blew me off. I got angry, insulted.

Six months later I got over it. We became friends. We joked about our past. Good thing too, since our departments merged, I kept getting promoted, and almost reached his level. At this point I am somewhere between being a manager and a director of the dept.

Last night I went to his good-bye party. After 13 years he has decided to move on, start a new venture. Mostly due to changing political climates. As I was preparing to leave, he grabbed me in a big bear hug and breathed in my ear "Let's have sex - we have both wanted it for so long, let's get it out of the way."

I will admit there is an attraction there, but he has a girlfriend. And I am no longer that wide-eyed girl fresh to the city. I know his flaws too well, and the intimacy has bloomed into a friendship, not a romance.

I laughed it off, said we would keep in touch. It is the end of an era, with him leaving the company. I will miss him, but I have to wonder if the main reason will be because when he is gone the last of the existence of the early version of me is gone. The silly, flirty, throw caution to the wind me. I miss that girl too.