Wednesday, March 02, 2005

drinking on the job

Back not so long ago when I was a waitress I had a handful of standard jokes. Just to keep things light, don't you know.

My favorite was used whenever I would approach a table to refill their water glasses. The joke could only be used once per table, and only if at some point while I was pouring the conversation had a lull. Typically the scenario would go like this:

Patron, noticing me refilling glass: "Thank you"
Me, smiling: "Oh, no problem. You know, I hear hydration is a good thing."
Patron: *chuckle*
Me, pondering: "Yeah, but you know, just wait. In a year or two it'll be bad for you. You'll see."

At this point a real laugh tends to surface. If not then I bring out the big guns.

Incredulous no sense of humor patron: "Really, I don't know about that..."
Me, concerned: "Actually, I heard on NPR that trace elements of various chemicals are being found in groundwater. These chemicals include caffeine, Advil, and Prozac. Right now the amounts are so small as to not affect us, but eventually we as a planet are going to be very energetic, pain free, and happy."

At this point they have been entertained, and my tip goes up by .001%.

The best thing about the joke is that my last statement is true. I did hear that on NPR.

My boss told me today that my company is abandoning the water coolers, going for some new zap cleaning technology to the faucet water. The reasoning for this has something to do with the bottled water not being as good for you as the de-ionized water.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, I'm sure it had nothing to do with actual cost savings.

Of course, the executive that decided on this change has his own supply of bottled water in his personal refrigerator, purchased on corporate card.

I am not afraid of ground water, but I have smelled the water that comes out of the pipes on the job, and am afraid. Is it possible to replace all consummation of H2O with diet soda? Fun experiment, let's find out!

(Side note: If this trend away from the water cooler continues across all corporations, HBO will have to come up with a whole new brilliant add campaign. Heads up Home Box Office!!)

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