locker room talk

I went to the gym tonight with my new love, my ipod mini. My workout was spectacular, I felt strong and oh so healthy. Surrounding myself with my music really helped me to focus and keep motivated. It was like I became pulled inside of my own impenetrable clear cell. (I am in a glass cage of emotion...thank you will farrell.)

One advantage to feeling so isolated from the population at the gym surfaced in a newfound confidence to look around me. My typical m.o. is to keep my eyes down or averted, no way no how do I risk making eye contact with someone. I have no idea why, but by removing all sense of hearing it seemed only natural for me to start observing the people around me.

You know what I noticed? There are a lot of really physically fit men in my gym.

This got me to thinking. (Yes, be afraid.)

A couple of my favorite shows on television, Queer as Folk and Sex in the City, have many times made reference to the fact that there is much male gay sex going on in the locker room. There is a common joke that gay men have better physiques then straight men, but hey, if you were guaranteed sex every time they worked out wouldn't you go more often?

So here I am looking around, and I have my suspicions that one or two men present just might be straight. And a whole new thought enters my brain.

How do the straight guys deal with all the action in the locker room? Stereotypically jocks are a bit homophobic, right? And heaven knows new yorkers love their gyms, and new yorkers love their gays.

SO WHAT THE HECK GOES ON IN THERE?

Potential scenarios:

Gay men cleverly hide all indiscretions and straight men are oblivious. (Possible, but unlikely.)

Straight guy turns corner in shower room and - whoops! - interrupts a couple. Does he pretend it never happens? Apologize? Get embarrassed?

Is there a code? What if someone makes a signal by accident? Or if you are not interested do you keep your eyes averted at all times? Is there a certain area of the locker room/showers that is reserved for special activities?

What if you want to pick someone up? Are people cool if you make a mistake?

It really comes down to this - are you a piece of meat as soon as you, a man, enter the locker room?

This whole quandary has me captivated. Why has this never been discussed before? If I noticed any lesbian shower activities I would discuss with my friends. Heck, if I walked into any public restroom and any kind of couple was getting it on you know I could not run fast enough to a phone. Or to my blog.

Oh, and don't try and tell me that everything I hear and see on TV may not be real. That is just silly. That's like saying Elvis is really dead or my parents weren't virgins when they got married.

But really, I want to know.