dreaming

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday. Drinking a triple espresso drink before speed training is not so good. Pushing the high heart rate with a high level of caffeine? Counter productive, unfortunately. I had to cut my training short, dammit.

To top it off I had kooky dreams last night. I dreamed I went back to Detroit for the holidays. I went and saw a concert, visited with the family, chastised my brother cruelly for some minor failing. And then my ex showed up. We were uncomfortable, but anticipating something. Then I told him that I had been waiting for him to come back to me, had remained single anticipating a future together again. We were getting back together. It felt strange but familiar, like that first push on the pedal of a bike when you have been off for so long. It feels like you are off balance, but you know you will regain it, it is something you know.

I woke up so sad, and really confused. Is my subconscious telling me that I have been avoiding dating because somewhere deep down I am expecting to be with him? All this time I've been feeling it is just my fear of intimacy. I had it before I dated the ex, so it was not anything new. This has me thinking, though.

While I mull this all over, I have one thing to say. Did anyone see the last five minutes of the season finale of Alias??????? WHAT THE HELL IS J.J. ABRAHMS TRYING TO DO TO ME????? My heart really can't take this. Oh, wait, yes it can, I just can't do an espresso beverage at the same time.