Sunday, April 03, 2005


I have never been a patient person. Or one to make plans. I like to wait until I feel inspired, and then act. This characteristic has its ups and downs.

Ups - Interesting adventures. Exploits in cutting/coloring my own hair. Meeting diverse people. Having a myriad of jobs.

Downs - Always cramming the night before a test. A pretty high debt. Having a sense of no purpose, floating.

Back when I was 22 my life was picture perfect, my parent's dream come true. I was going to school for electrical and computer engineering, and had a co-op job working for the General Motors Headquarters, which guaranteed me a job and a nice salary upon graduation. Then I went and read "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand, and decided to continue in that life was a betrayal to myself. I literally sat down, paged through my college bulletin, and picked out a new major - Psychology.

From that moment on I just lived from moment to moment. It took me an additional six years to finish with my bachelors because every time I thought of something else to do I just went and did it. My family panicked because I seemed to live such a disconnected and purposeless existence. During the crazy years if anyone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I always had the same answer - to eventually teach psychology at the college level. This career path encased so many of the ideals that I found meaningful: Intellectual study, proper use of my mental capabilities, the joy of making a difference in the lives of so many people, the potential for change on a regular basis through varying classes, schedules, and students.

Moving to New York I have continued to believe in the same calling, problem is my attention has been consumed with establishing a secure existence. Working and working to be able to afford to pay the rent, dig my way out of my debt, not live on credit. I have been consumed by this need to nest, but build a safety net for myself. The problem is when you consume yourself with financial concerns, they don't stop. Suddenly my debt has an end in sight, and I'm thinking about investing, getting equity. Its like now that I have started I can't stop. I started thinking I should get my MBA because I have been so successful in business, abandoning psych altogether. Even though it would mean that I would have to stay at my job, become a corporate lackey.

This past week has very much revealed to me what that would mean. The Facade. In order to maintain my job, I have to advance. It sounds strange, but I have been chosen to be groomed for upper management. A lot of effort is being put into this by my superiors. As I love a challenge, so far I have welcomed all the attention. Unfortunately I have reached the point when, because of my responsibilities, I have to monitor everything I say and do, I have to guard my identity. It is one thing for me to have to dress a certain way, its just a uniform, I've had lots of those. They want me to be something I am not. Other executives are conservative by nature; they don't have much of a persona to hide. I just got this far because I'm good at what I do, because I take my performance personally. I believe my work reflects on who I am. So I work hard.

It is like fate is telling me it is time to go to graduate school. It snapped me out of my nesting reverie. With my current income I will be debt free and in good credit standing by the time the next school year starts. This means I'm going to have to do something completely out of character, however. I'm going to have to study, and work hard over a period of time. Discipline, planning. Because it occurred to me in the last couple of weeks that I couldn’t be just a psychologist, I need to be a psychiatrist. I don't know why, but I realized that I need to be a medical doctor. Until now I have never dared imagine this, it was too intimidating to me, too much to accomplish. Something in me is insisting, however. Stupid inner monologue - it is pushing me to learn organic chemistry. Baugh.

So now I have to make myself an action plan to get into medical school. I guess I’m not one to dream small, am I.

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