Sunday, September 24, 2006

losing my religion

Its like I don't know what I want anymore.

I have a confession; I didn't go on my long run last weekend. And I did not run at all this last week. I feel guilty, but I mostly I just don't feel anything.

For so much of my life I have worked hard. For one thing or another - to get through school, to finish training, to live somewhere new. But I really think I was just trying to survive.

Moving out at 20 was survival. And then working two jobs was survival to pay for life and to pay for school. Because it never seemed possible that I would have a job that didn't need a college education. I chose engineering at first because it guaranteed me a job with an income to help me pay for schooling. Then when I realized I could get by on a waitress salary I changed my degree to something I actually enjoyed, psychology.

But I wasn't done. I needed to move to New York, to feel like I belonged somewhere. So I came here, and I had to scramble all over again because by god this is not a cheap place to live.

Now I couldn't just live here. I had to live the life, have friends have fun do New York things. Prove my right to be here I suppose.

Something has happened to me in the last couple of weeks. I am out of debt and making more money than I need. But I lost my mojo.

Plans? What plans? Marathon, grad school, buying a home, finding a new career, finding a love, losing ten pounds, traveling outside of the continent....I just can't bring myself to think about any of them. I don't feel like trying anymore.

Don't worry, its not like I don't want to live anymore. Losing my motivation to do anything that takes effort is entirely different from not wanting to breath in and out.

It could be stress from the new job. It could be that I don't know what to do with myself if I am not struggling. It could be that I always have been running to catch up, and never learned how to run when I'm already ahead. Not having to react, to be free to just do what I want sounds so great. Why don't I want anything anymore?

When will I care enough to get back into motion?


Ali Girl said...

Not to sound like a geek, but I know your a "go-getter" and that's good. Sometimes your body and mind just need a break. You're ready for so many of the things you mentioned (school, new job, buying a home) but maybe this funk is your body and your mind saying I need a break. Embrace the funk, and maybe a refreshed recharged Bridget may emerge. And if you need someone to come pry you off the couch...i'm there for you hun.

ctina said...

struggling is a way to find momentum, but in the end it's only one way. you have to find little things to keep you going every day. debt was a huge mountain to overcome, and you did it. did you get yourself something cool & celebrate yet? b/c you should!

so next, how about trying something less irish... (as we irish (and yes i'm 1/4 irish) just love to overcome adversity). how about try to do just do one thing you enjoy and see where it leads? no plans, no schemes, no goals. and after that's done, then a 2nd thing. maybe use some of that huge wad of cash you're apparently hording.

and in the meantime, to keep up with the stuff in motion try falling back on an old routine. that's what routine is for, you know? for those times you are just can't be bothered to think.

(and psst, you seriously can't stop the running at this point, you know? of course you did.. why else would you post it)