reacting

Rage. Anger.

I don't remember how to react to these feelings. Did I ever really experience them? Or were they clouded by so many other emotions that were going on at the time? All that time in the mosh pits I remember, but as a release not as a desperate outlet.

Lately I have been short-tempered, and I don't know why. Throughout my life I have been so even keeled. For some reason I tended to take things in stride, just move on.

Maybe in the past I always blamed myself in some small way. Expected the universe to pound on me, thus acceptance of what may come.

Now maybe I believe for once that I deserve more. That I paid my dues or just have earned something better. So when I get more of the same...I feel frustrated.

Angry.

But anger hurts others more than it hurts you. It magnifies as it leaves your orbit. That is what makes it so hard, the fact that in the moment all you want to do is release, explode. Yet that very explosion causes exponential damage to those around you.

Why have I been so rageful lately? Too young for menopause, maybe time to make some changes in life again?