Tuesday, November 07, 2006

little changes

People say running a marathon changes you. Pretty much except for the soreness I seem the same, although I have noticed one thing.

That I have a choice to consider.

See, at some point on Sunday I started to wonder why in the world I had voluntarily subjected myself to such a masochistic experience. Not only signed up for that torture, but trained with blood, sweat, and tears to get there.

Is there anything you have worked really hard towards in your life that just sucked when you got there? A vacation, a place to live, a job, a career, a significant other? Do you stick with it? Why?

I know why I stuck with the marathon. I had made a commitment. Not just to myself, but to all the people that I talked to about the damn thing.

But it wasn't just for that; it was also that I had to prove a point, just to myself. I'm still not sure what that point was now that I finished. I had an idea before I ran, but the event itself blurred the reasoning, made it obsolete. Fortunately for me that point only lasted just over five hours.

Now my old motivations are rejiggered. I work a really stressful job to make money to be able to afford my next step, whatever that step is. But what do I accomplish by really working this hard? Who am I proving myself to? I can't remember anymore.

You have a choice about who and what you want to be. Well maybe, maybe not. Really I think you really have a choice about what defines you. If like me you allow yourself to be consumed by work you become defined by it. If you allow yourself to be consumed by materialism you are defined by that, and so on.

I think I'd like to be defined as...


ctina said...

i totally understand what you mean... why give up free time for a corporation? what do you get out of it other than money, a bigger apartment, a step closer to grad school?

is your life defined by what you are doing or what you want to do?

i've decided that proving a point to anyone other than myself is pointless.

i love my job, but there's definately a limit to the hours i want to put in it, and this is a constant tug-of-war in my life.

like a friend told me recently, "use the company to get what you need. when they start using you, get out." hmmm

jenn said...

here's my two cents on a subject i am VERY familiar with.

i think everyone has a choice of what defines them. if you really love what you do for a living, why not let it define who you are? if you've worked your whole life towards that goal and you've made it - right? however, how often does that actually happen?

i, myself, define myself (that sounds weird) by what i WANT to do. regardless of the fact that i still kind of have no idea what that future 'doing' entails. but if you read my posting from last week you'll see where i think i might be headed.

a job is still just a job - it can help you to buy or do things that make you happy - but do not let it define who you are, especially if it's not your dream.

love, dr phil