Friday, February 16, 2007

if I went missing

While visiting Seattle Girl my sister said that if I just didn't show up to work one day no one would notice.

No one would notice that I was gone.

It was after drinking quite a few beers, and the words that she uttered were not the ones that she intended. But I reacted to what I heard and got upset.

Because the idea that no one would notice is just terrible. At least for me.

I pull away from people often. Separate, create distance. A lot I think is because I assume it will end at some point, so at least take control of it. But I wonder if some of it isn't so I can be missed.

Honestly, we are all replaceable. We are only really remembered for three generations, then we as individuals fade.

So I practice. Not consciously, not that I mean to. But as my friends change I let them drift - drift to new careers, as part of a couple, to different cities, to new lives. I accept the distance as part of their growth as well as part of my own, each of our lives having become richer from our mutual experiences.

Really, I practice being missed all the time.

You have to understand, my sister had just realized that she had another brain tumor, away from her fiancé in a strange town, and was reacting to that. The whole mortality thing was getting to her, and she was acting out whatever she was going through at the time with me. In the moment I had no idea of course. Now it makes sense.

We all measure our presence in different ways. Some people with job accomplishments, some through raising children, some from money, some from fame. I suppose I look for mine through impact...and the best way to metric that is to notice the sense of loss upon removal. Kind of like measuring the mass of something by displacement in a pool of water.

Re-reading what I wrote above I would like to make clear that I'm totally not dying or suicidal or anything. Just had seen the latest episode of grey's anatomy that reminded me of this thought process I had gone through previously.

And yes, I know people would notice. That has never been an issue for me. :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

it was some serial killer movie I had seen...where he focused on young single women in the city (I think Chicago).
Everyone knows you'd be missed...guess I should stop watching cheesy horror flicks and keep my paranoia to myself!