Monday, June 04, 2007


When is taking the easy way out the worst way?

Lately I have been complacent. I've been making enough money to not have to worry about it. My job is going well enough that most of the time I don't give it a second thought. The apartment is comfortable and rent hasn't changed in two years. Friendships are all strong and stable, reliable. No rumblings from the tummy, and I am running-injury free.

So I've been laid back. What is weird is that with the lack of struggle everything becomes more and more quiet, including my thoughts. I still have them, but the drive to express myself is so muted.

Thighs says that I should enjoy this time of comfort, but I feel guilty for this stasis, for the lack of movement. Mostly because the mere fact that I have been in publishing for over six years seems to me an eternity, and all I can think is "Why have I allowed myself to linger here so long?"

As I get older I wonder if I have the stamina to go back to school for a PhD. I still really think that I would really enjoy teaching and think that I have a talent in that area. But the question is what path do I take to get there?

How and when aside, as much as I'm trying to let myself stay still and calm for a minute I have an underlying sense of guilt for not doing more. The clock is ticking, when do I make my next move?

Honestly though, my biggest fear is that the complacency will win. That my inner drive will quell and my life will fade into obscurity and normalcy. That the comfort and safety of routine will suck me under like quicksand. I don't want my most exciting self to be over.

When do you get to be past your prime? Is it inevitable?

I’d rather burn brightly and end quickly than fade away so slowly that my light blends with the rest of the sky.


Anonymous said...

You are the most wonderful writer. I, a 52 year old woman, can totally relate to your voice here. I doubt though, that at 30-something, you will let that inner wild woman that your writing leads me to believe you are, become complacement.


Bridget Rockstar!! said...

Thank you Carol, both for the compliment on my writing and for your confidence!

Most importantly, I'm so glad to hear that this inner quest hasn't just stopped for you. I don't have enough friends who are older than me to know what parts of you change as time goes on and which ones don't.

Rock on sister!