Thursday, December 16, 2004

taking stock

It occurred to me today that another year is soon over. Yes, I am that perceptive. What really shocked me is that an actual chapter of my life was actually contained within these twelve months. Thus, a perfect measuring stick to perceive change.

I have had what some would call a rather rough year. Two surgeries, four hospital visits, and a shocking six weeks of six leave add up to some pretty harsh realities. First, that lightning can strike twice. Second, no matter how strong a will or a passion, the body is weak and ultimately fallible. Finally, that no matter how perfect the rose colored glasses may be, enough hardship can break a person down.

I am that annoying happy person you know. I really don't see the glass as half empty or half full, just that it needs to be topped off. (Why do I always visualize beer in the glass, I wonder?) There is always that bright side, that bit of growth or wisdom to be taken away from a situation. A relief in having learned something.

This past year, for the first time in my life, I was seriously depressed. And you know what? It sucked. For the first time in my life I understand why all those anti-depression drugs truly are lifesavers. Fortunately as my health improved my mood did as well, but I cannot imaging being plagued with sadness throughout my life.

Having come out sparkling white and gleaming on the other side, a thought occurred to me. How do you take stock in how you have actually changed? Have I become wiser? More cynical? Fatalistic? Jaded? Most changes take time to really take effect, and how do you truly understand their effects?

Then it occurred to me - by keeping a record of your thoughts, feelings, and attitudes. You could do this, in...oh, let me think......A BLOG. That's right, if you write down a diary the only way you sense the change is to disagree with yourself. I feel a vague sense of loss in the fact that I did not record my ideas in the past, and therefore am out of touch with my own growth.

Wow, I feel so fortunate that I learned that about myself..... ;)

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