Thursday, December 01, 2005

softball peeps

The hosts were generous and welcoming. The apartment was awesome. The people, so wonderful to see. Could there be a better party, a better group of friends? Pretty hard to come by.

Especially when one of your friends openly and willingly states

"I wouldn't mind having a smaller penis..."

Boy, is that friend lucky I don't name names, eh? (At least here, for a small fee I may be willing to disclose over email)

Oh, and quoting without context ROCKS.

Good people. Good times.

fate or chance?

Last night was a cascading waterfall of coincidences.  It was like watching one of those huge domino structures someone set up to knock over.  They rapidly start falling over and then BOOM one falls off the table into a scale to start two rows going, then a couple minutes later WHAP a silver ball is rolling, and then KAPLOOIE a torch lights to heat an air balloon....

 

You get the idea.

 

The night started because fortuitously my friend La-La-La had received a card entitling her to free food at a new Chipotle opening on my corner.  This was a fun coincidence as she had gotten this card the other night while walking home from work, yet her job is in SOHO and lives on the UES - thus my hood is pretty darn out of the way.  Meanwhile I, the girl who lives a mere 20 yards from the establishment never got a card.  Lucky for us she did!

 

We partook in the free food and beverage (mmmmmmmmmm good), and on the way out realized that our evening's errands could wait until after we had a glass of wine nearby.  What's the rush?

 

I suggested a neat little spot nearby that I have passed a million and one times but never been to.  It is very well hidden, not easily noticeable, yet quite intricately decorated inside which has always intrigued me.  Oh, and once while walking by I saw Denzel Washington inside, which I found pretty darn impressive.

 

So we enter and commence to drinking.  La-La-La started talking about coincidences, and how her manly-man (we will call him MMM for miracle marathon man, as he completed the Philly marathon a couple weeks ago in 3:15, which I find absolutely AMAZING but he is disappointed with!!) had been talking with her about them the other night.  And then she pointed out an actor she recognized, Johnny Galecki.  She knew him by name, which I found funny, but she explained that she and MMM had looked for him on imdb the other night.  Huh, neat coincidence.

 

He looked great, by the way.

 

Anyhoo, we are having fun and decide to go for glass of wine number three.  At this point we are enchanted by this place.  It is over decorated to the point that it is could almost be tacky, but yet the items are so diverse and interesting the place is intimate and charming.  The bathrooms were a wonder of decoration to the point that La-La-La and I were ready to sign a lease and move in.

 

We are about done with our third glass of wine when we notice someone nearly knocking over one of the many vary large plants in the room.  Thinking it is someone who is drunk we look over, and realize this was our mistake, that in fact it was a blind man.

 

Stevie Wonder.

 

Yes, we were a mere two mere yards away from a LIVING LEGEND.  We immediately were blushing, tongue-tied in awe of him.  This was not so much a coincidence as really really cool.

 

At this point we ordered another glass of wine to bask in his presence. 

 

The place wasn't too busy, so the bartender sat down and joined us in our conversation.  He mentioned that not only was Stevie here, but Earth Wind and Fire was having dinner in the next room.

 

Mother of god what is this place?  This night is just too cool.

 

We continue our convo with the bartender, and we get to the point where we are talking about jobs and such.  He is an actor between gigs, had worked at this establishment once before and had just started back.  Oh, and he used to work for this restaurant called Tuscan.

 

Wha?  Wha???  Wha?????  Yeah, the same Tuscan I worked at for three years.  The only other place I have worked in the city.  Seems he started just after I left, we had barely missed each other.  This would be another coincidence, methinks. 

 

This sparked another glass of wine and an animated discussion of all the people we knew in common and how they are/have been.  Poor La-La-La had to listen to us go on and on and on about all these personalities she has never met.  Until the discussion comes around to the favorite watering hole of Tuscan employees, the local at which I spent many a night closing and drinking until six am, Peter Dylan's.

 

La-La-La perks up.  She knows this bar.  Seems MMM used to frequent it quite often when he worked around the corner, and had introduced her to the establishment on occasion.  Now we all start talking about the place and the bartender Paulie, whom we all know.  

 

The coincidences have come full circle, back to La-La-La and MMM.  We are all linked together through a strange turn of events.

 

MMM shows up, joins the discussion, and the four of us head across the street to continue the party.  We have a few more drinks and I am just stupid drunk.  It is almost one in the morning, dear god how will I get to work the next day/this day?

 

At this point I ask MMM about the coincidence discussion he and La-La-La had the other night, in light of the evening's events.  He clarifies something - that the point of their debate had been that he thinks that coincidences mean nothing, that people just notice them because they stand out, that the myriads of normal events and missed coincidences in effect prove that nothing is connected and by the pure nature of odds funny things are bound to happen.

 

This, my friends, is the best coincidence at all, and a perfect way to end the night.  

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

total sap

As anticipated I went and saw the movie version of Rent over the holiday weekend.  And loved it.  Of course.  There were high points and low points. 
 
I'll start with the low points just to get them out of the way.  The direction sucked, fortunately not enough to take away from the story or music.  Rosario Dawson was "eh", not really a powerful singer, but her presence made up for it in the most part. 
 
The high points were some excellent new variations of the music, so much so that I still got chills.  Some of the things they did to cover up Rosario's weakness actually improved upon the original version.  The original cast, my god they were amazing, especially since they have had years to perfect and mature these parts into an art form.  Most of all, it hit me today that this story and theme can now travel to every little town all over the world, regardless to access to Broadway or traveling shows.  There are people who have not been touched by the story of Rent!  Now they can.  Again, so tragic and how poignant that the man who so deeply imbedded "no day but today" into a musical died on opening night.  
 
Because I am such a fanatic, I bought the movie soundtrack even though I already own the Broadway one.  While walking to work this morning, the new version was playing on my ipod and "Another Day" came on with the movie arrangement.  And I started to cry.  One minute I'm thinking about lunch and the next I'm a total wreck tearing up in the middle of the street.  Really:
 
I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just
To be
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...

 
Every day we push on.  For what, for why?  Just to be.
 
Yes, I am a sap.  So sue me.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

hormones

In my constant belief that someday soon I may have a regular sex life, I take birth control.

No, we will not stop now and define what a "regular" sex life is. Maybe in another post.

I've done the pill, which for me was not so great as I'm really bad at doing anything consistently at the same time every day, like taking a pill. It just isn't feasible, my schedule - even while on the nine to five gig - changes too much. I tend towards spontaneity. Routines have never been my thing.

The shot was my favorite. A slight prick once every three months, and not only was I protected but I had no period at all. Quite a sweet side effect if I do say so. Sadly my gyno said that the shot could lead to osteoporosis, so she took me off in lieu of another form of protection.

Next came the patch. You stick it on at the beginning of the month, changing it out weekly for a new adhesive on your "patch day". As there is no exact time that the said switch must occur, I was able to stick to this regimen. Unfortunately most of my lint did too. The patch was skin colored, but the border always was caked with a dirty black outline. Gross.

Since I'm still not seeing anyone on a regular basis, I just decided to forego the stupid patch and settle for being birth control free. That's right, back to my natural hormones. And I've noticed, let me tell you, because my sex drive is now through the roof!!

Historically I used to be much randier in my younger days, and have not been too lustful as of late. Seems by accident I have gone and gotten my sex drive back, and it is making up for lost time. I'm practically drooling at every man I see. So I signed up for match, before my vibrator goes on strike. In the meantime, I guess I'll focus that pent-up energy on my running. I just may run that nine-minute mile race this year after all!

(P.S. I think as good as I've sort of gotten at writing in my blog I am CRAP writing these damn profiles. If you have any skill please give it a look and toss me some pointers. Thanks!)

Monday, November 28, 2005

Saturday, November 26, 2005

fruit bowls

I have always wanted to be the kind of person who decorates their kitchen around a bowl of fruit.

You know what I'm talking about. Often when watching a TV show or a movie (as tonight in Tom Hank's apartment in "You've Got Mail", for example) someone’s kitchen table has a centerpiece decoration made of fruit. Normally apples, pears, and/or bananas. Sometimes they go and get exotic with pomegranates or mangoes or something.

These centerpieces always strike me as classy and upscale.

So why don't I just go ahead and get myself some fruit and stick it in a bowl on my kitchen table? I mean, I have a table; I have room to put a bowl on it. The thing is, I am just not that kind of person. The kind of person who takes the time and effort to stock a bowl and rotate the fruit so none of it goes bad. Do you have any idea the amount of time and dedication involved in this kind of venture? How much fruit I would have to eat? How often I would have to shop for produce? The innate risk of wasting food involved?

As much as I long to be such an individual, I have had to come to terms with the fact I am not. In the same manner I kind of mourn that I am not an a.m. runner, a high-heel wearer, a fashion savvy New York woman, a sophisticate, a demure type, or a casual dater.

Geez, many times I have tried these personas on, and for one reason or another was not able to follow through. It is not that I in any way dislike myself, it is just that I admire these qualities in other people, and thus have a twinge of regret when it I cannot make it part of my makeup. The other night I made an effort to be stylish and dress up all H&M-like for the bar, it just wasn't comfortable on me. I'm more of a quirky dresser than a sophisticated one.

This, I suppose, is one of the reasons that I still am surprised in my longevity in corporate life. Because as many times as I try on different personalities, they are in effect me wearing a costume of some kind. My self-image just doesn't really include big business or executive management. Not that I am uncomfortable or unduly stressed by my job, just that it's not really me. How long until I am no longer able to keep up with the juggling of the produce and have to deal with an empty bowl in the center of my kitchen table?

Or do I give in to the compromise and find some good quality plastic fruit?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

five looooooong years

Today I received a letter congratulating me for reaching my five-year anniversary at my company.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

What a long time to be at one job. For me, at least. Historically speaking I often was juggling two gigs at any given time in my life, and I was averaging about one new job a year. The longest I had ever stayed with a company prior to this was at mongo, even while there I experienced blocks of time where I only was working one day a week and working full time somewhere else.

How did I celebrate this glorious day? Why, I worked until 10:00 pm, of course.

You may think I'm crazy, but I got a lot of tasks done and felt like I was walking on air as I left the building. Oh, the relief!

Seattle Girl suggested to me a while ago that I try to walk home one day a week to clear my head, and I have found this advice to be stellar. Tonight I walked home, and felt the burdens of my work and personal concerns blow off layer by layer in the early winter wind. At one point I was strolling through the heart of the trendy meat-packing district, surrounded by expensive, beautifully tasteful thanksgiving and Christmas decorations, and I smelled the scent of a burning fireplace in the air. It felt so cozy, peaceful, and at home.

All kidding aside, this also then marks my five-year anniversary of having moved to New York. Living here is what I really celebrate, being able to actualize my dream. How many people get to say that at such a young age?

I suppose regardless of my personal benchmarks this is the time of year you are given an opportunity to stop and be thankful, to take stock. In that case, for these things I am grateful:

- Having a job that has allowed me to grow as a person and be able to afford life in NYC.

- My health. I ran a four-mile race this past Sunday and was able to manage a 10:45 minute mile. (Hey, that's fast for me, okay??)

- The presence of the friends in my life. People who care and support me when I ask. And who appreciate exactly how hard it is for me to do so.

- Beer. Wine. Liquor.

- My imac, which without I could not be blogging. Oh, and my ipod too. Love that damn apple inc.

- The color of my eyes. I get lots of compliments on them.

- Chocolate

- My brains and my social abilities. The one-two punch that is the secret of my success.

- Learning to forgive, that holding a grudge hurts you more than anyone else.

-Not having a wooden leg. I think that would put a crimp in my sexual exploits. Not that I have much if any right now...

-Which leads me to being thankful for having such an active imagination and fantasy life.

Score!!

Monday, November 21, 2005

the chicken or the egg

Often growing up I would like to attribute some of my uniqueness to my name. I genuinely believed that because my name was less common than most I was destined to be special, different.

As I have gotten older, I have realized that the types of people who choose to name their children kooky outlandish monikers tend to also teach their children different morals and behaviors, stressing the importance of their individuality. Whether or not the child picks up these traits of independent personality can be argued either way, for nature or nurture.

A better question would be to ask the ratio of outlandish ratio types to socially common names vs. highly individualized names to strong senses of unconformity. In the book Freakonomics (which I absolutely loved)

Mr. Levitt did an extensive study of how names can predict success based on the most commonly chosen name by different class groups.

This all being said, I never imagined I would get the hots for a guy named Wentworth. There is no way he chose that one as a stage name.

What kind of nickname does he get to go by, anyway? Wenty? Big W? Guess it doesn't matter, since in my fantasies we don't do much talking. Tee hee.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

darwinism

While in Seattle, my sister and I started telling the Seattle Kids about the "afternoon special" type stories from our neighborhood growing up.

Name something bad that you heard as a child not to do; kids in my neighborhood did it. And felt the repercussions.

There was the little boy, Frank, who died at the age of nine, choking on a hot dog while his mother watched; she did not know the Heimlich maneuver.

A friend of mine from across the street, Samantha, died at 12 along with her 7-year-old brother when they played with matches and started a fire. They actually died of smoke inhalation when they ran upstairs away from the flames.

The boy next door died at 18 because he was hanging out drunk on the train tracks. (There were rumors that he was a Satanist testing the devil, but obviously that didn't work.)

My first best friend named Jennifer growing up thought she couldn't get pregnant the first time you had sex - and had a baby when she was 14.

There was the boy who lived around the corner who played russian roulette and died.

There was the kid who grew up down the street - he hopped the fence to get a ball and was mauled by a dog.

When we started to tell the stories as they kept coming out the whole thing seemed more and more morbid. Luckily boys seem to respond to these kind of horror stories with nary a shrug. If anything, they were most amazed at why someone would ever play russian roulette. Shocked and dumbfounded, really. Which is a good thing.

I suppose it is stranger that my sister and I had taken it in stride as a way that people acted. I was such an avid reader, I was familiar with extraordinary things happening to people in books, and maybe saw no reason that real life wouldn't be the same. Maybe such comfort in extreme circumstances is what led me to New York.

I do love it here. And I crave adventure. Hmmmm.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

epilogue to a fast

It has been a month since I was on my liquid diet, and I thought it would be a good idea to touch base with how I have and have not changed.

Pretty much all of the weight I lost on the fast came back within a week. I stayed about three or four pounds lighter. I'm guessing that what I gained back was a combination of water weight and the poundage of processing food through my digestive system.

As far as eating healthy goes, it is kind of a mixed bag. I have been drinking fresh veggie/fruit juice every morning, and boy what a power punch that gives me! I feel energized, healthy, and even have skipped coffee a couple of days. My food choices vary widely, I eat crap still. Especially when I was on vacation in Seattle. I had burgers, garlic fries served with aioli, cheese and beef enchiladas, and tons of desserts and mocha lattes. So we can't say I'm miss healthy organic anymore.

My colonoscopy results came back with really terrific results. No inflammation, parasites, or cancer. Some slight ulceration at the sight of my resection that indicates by the pattern that I still have crohns, though in remission. Thing is, my gastroenterologist also said that since all the blockages that send me to the hospital clear up in under 20 hours that the cause is most likely an adhesion in my small intestine. Crohns doesn't recover that fast, he tells me. Great news I don't have cancer (seems I have a significant risk in that area), but bummer I have both adhesions and Crohns. Stupid guts.

The most interesting side effect of my fast has been how much more in tuned with my appetite I am now. Recently whenever I have a large calorie laden lunch (three pieces of pizza a couple of days ago, cheese enchiladas today) my appetite is appeased for the rest of the day. I leave work, go to the gym, come home, and still not hungry. This has never happened to me before. Maybe I was previously misinterpreting other feelings for hunger; maybe my body senses I don't need more nourishment. I don't know. It is great not being ruled by my appetite all the time, let me tell you!

I also am not hungry in the mornings anymore, even if I had a strenuous workout the night before. The juice is all I need to get going, and satiates me until about 11:00 when I have an apple as a snack.

Really, I am so happy with this last change. It is so nice to feel that my body is regulating itself and its needs. Again I have to say this fast was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. I'm a true believer.

Webster's

I wonder how long before the word "googled" gets into the dictionary?  Or "blogger", for that fact.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

freaks

A couple of months ago I mentioned my first trip to Coney Island.  It was a fun day, but I left out the best story.

 

If you look into the history of Coney Island, its popularity was not built upon rides.  It was built upon side shows.  Freaks, if you will.  People, including the hoighty-toighty high society types, traveled far and wide to view the bearded lady, giant, world's tiniest man, and fire eaters.  These kinds of shows drew exceptionally large crowds, more people than you could even imagine. 

 

When I heard about this, I was kind of surprised.  Those kinds of shows historically kind of make me squirm, make me uncomfortable.  The fact that this was accepted family entertainment amazes me.  What is even more interesting is these Freak Shows still exist on Coney Island.  The main attractions are the rides and games, but down one undistinguishable pathway the sideshow still exists.

 

After our very long day, RFW and I were about to hop the subway home when we spotted the show.  She was hesitant to go in, but I just had to see it.  Only $5 for ten different acts! 

 

We walked into the amazing tattooed man, who demonstrated lying down on a bed of nails.  Kind of mind boggling, even if you doubt the validity of the nails.  Then they put the amazing electric woman in a chair and did tricks with electricity and fire.  Pretty neat.  Next came the fire eating lady, way way cool.  All of the performers were heavily pierced, tattooed, with fun hair colors.

 

The last act was the sword swallower.  She was about 19 or 20, came on stage and started her act by swallowing a foot long dagger and making jokes and witty banter. 

 

Then she asked for a volunteer.  Believe it or not I actually hesitated for a moment.  As outgoing as I am, I am rarely on stage.  But as no one else raised their hand, I offered myself. 

 

In this part of the act she was to swallow a two foot sword.  That is long, in case you didn't know.  I got to inspect it, and let me tell you I tried everything I could to check for a trick button or twist or something, all to no avail.  After doing what I thought was my duty, I started to head off stage.

 

"Wait!"  Said the sword swallower - "you're not done yet!"

 

That caught me by surprise.  Seems that my REAL part of the act was to stand on stage with her as she swallowed the sword, then she would bend over and I was to PULL THE SWORD OUT OF HER.  "Be careful to pull it out slow and straight", she said, "the sword is sharp"

 

Ha.  No pressure.

 

So she swallows the sword, and then bends over.  I am actually nervous.  Grasping the sword, I start to pull it out, all the time her eyes holding mine.  I can see if I was a guy how this could be kind of erotic.  As the sword comes out, I can totally feel the weight and the pull of it as it comes out of her.  There is no way the sword is fake, I can feel it.  Weird, creepy, and ultimately way cool.

 

Everyone applauds, I step off stage, and the show is over.  I am a part of the freak act now, and love it.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

vacation

Ho boy, what a week! I've been on vacation. A real one involving travel and everything.

My sister flew in last Saturday, stayed the weekend with me in NYC, and then we flew out together to Seattle to visit and stay with Seattle Girl and her new family. I was kinda nervous about staying there as we were invading family space for a week without me having previously met any of them, also as I am rusty on the interaction with kids. These worries were for naught as the Seattle Hubby was totally fun and cool, and the Seattle Kids were a delight and a pleasure. And I'm not just saying that because Seattle Girl reads this, either.

Some highlights from this lost period of blogging time:

- When watching the runners near the end of a marathon, you can tell which men did not know to tape up their nipples because they are bleeding. My sister does not enjoy that fact as much as I do. I have a cruel sense of humor.

- Looking over mountains from the top of another mountains very pretty and very cold.

- Seattle is a way neat town with plenty of fun districts. Yes we did the space needle. And it was cool.

- Luddite was and can be used in casual conversation. Impressive and true.

- Performers in a piano bar may give you the finger if you requests Meatloaf's "I would do anything for love", but will really hate you if you request Queens' "Bohemian Rhapsody".

- Yes, cars can float. But only when driven by a man who wears crab and duck hats while acting out "YMCA" by the Village People.

- I won't say there are more homeless people in Seattle than New York, but am willing to bet there are more per square foot. Makes sense, as the weather is more temperate.

- My sister no longer enjoys me telling funny stories that involve her. Guess they will all have to be about me. ;)

- I saw the first Starbuck's and I bowed to my master. Pictures to come.

- At some point my tolerance completely disappeared. I drank about seven beers one evening and was tossing my cookies the rest of the night, even when there was nothing left to come up. This of course was done in the downstairs bathroom with me trying to retch as quietly as possible so the Seattle Kids didn't wake up and hear the bad influence downstairs. At least I could be used as a cautionary tale.

- Even though the forecast says it will rain every day in Seattle, it may not. It only rained one hour of one on us out of four. The precipitation is exaggerated.

- It is possible to lose weight on vacation. I did. No, really, I did. Really. I ate terribly too, didn't matter. We just did a whole heck of a lot.

- I'm a redhead again. It is kind of orange-y right now, it takes some time to convert back to "fiery".

While home recovering from my vacation, Sleepless in Seattle came on, which was really cool. Granted, the only similarity between that movie and Seattle Girl is that a girl from the east falls for a widower from Seattle. But having just come back from the Emerald City, seeing the same scenery and watching fate put two people together now has etched my friends as replacements for Tom and Meg in my mind forever. It helps that having seeing them and their new family so happy together in a way that is movie-like picturesque. Good things can happen to good people, don't doubt it.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

I miss my mojo

Sorry for the dry spell, I've been feeling rather uninspired. Or maybe I'm just tired of blogging about this recent hermit life. Either way, I have taken some time off from output.

But I just couldn't stay away.

On that note, I will blog once more about a health issue, and then for a while I will have some funny stories. I've been able to compile some again. Nice to have my mojo back. This health story is sort of funny, anyway.

Guess what I got for the first time ever this past Thursday? I finally gave in and got myself a gastroenterologist, and he was shocked and amazed that I had gone this long having had a diagnosis of Crohn's disease (16 years ago, I don’t' think I still have it, but anyway) without a scope being put up my butt. He really had to wonder?

So I conceded, and went to get my first ever colonoscopy.

I arrived at the doctor’s office, signed my forms, and was instructed to strip completely naked from the waist down and put on a nice robe. Then the anesthesiologist came in to discuss my medical history and....started flirting?!? In five minutes this man is going to knock me unconscious and see my bare ass getting a scope put up it. For him this is a regular day, but compliments about my eyes and jokes about wedding proposals were not quite what I had in mind.

It was surprising that they did not just kind of numb me or relax me but knock me out totally. I think the most amazing thing about the whole procedure was that when I woke up I woke up right away, was very lucid, and thought to myself...

"Huh, I don't feel violated at all"

Good times. Of course, not feeling like anything had been done to me makes me wonder about some drunken evenings I have had in the past...but that's another post.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

yaaaaaaaaay!


How awesome is this????  I'm not normally a fan of reality tv, but now I'll finally be sucked in...

healthy outlets

I have never been one to take care of things the way I should.  Preventative measures, what are those?  I like spontaneity and spur of the moment.  Give me the adventure every time.
 
As mentioned yesterday, I had a rough work day.  It happens.  When my day came to an end, I was at a quandary as how to deal with it all.  I didn't want to mull my troubles over any more, I wanted to decompress. 
 
First thing that came to mind was a drinkfest - I have gone home from a bad day to a bottle and a half of wine more than once.  Problem was that I knew most of my buddies would be out for the count, and not to mention getting drunk would only make the next morning that much harder.  Secondly I thought about a mad chocolate binge, ben and jerrys all the way baby!  But I just lost all that excess weight, gaining it all back would suck. 
 
Escape, escape...what to do?  Then it hit me!  Movies!  There is nothing to rip me out of my self-obsessed world like sitting down and enjoying a flick in a movie theatre.  So I walked for a while, and ended up at the 23rd st cinema to see "Stay"
 
Damn, that movie was not supposed to be a thriller, but it scared the living bejeesus out of me.  Halfway through I was SURE someone was going to walk up behind me and slit my throat.  It was so scary seeing it by myself, I started to get the major heebie-jeebies!  It was an okay film, definitely rental but not necessary in the theatre.  It did alright by me, my mind was done with work.  That is the healthiest recovery I've ever had.  Who knew?
 
To top it off, this morning I did this super-healthy breakfast thing.  I had a super veggie/fruit juice paired with eggs.  All those damn nutrients gave me everything I needed - I didn't even have any coffee or red bull today. 
 
Do you understand?!?!  No caffeine.  None.  Nada.  I got six hours of sleep and got up to go to my damn corporate nine to five job on no stimulants.
 
Where oh where has rockstar gone, oh where oh where can she be?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

inconsolable

I just had a really crappy day at work.  Someone I work with got a major report wrong and I have to deal with the backlash, totally sucks.  To add insult to injury, Ms Random keeps trying to cheer me up, but she is so not funny she just ends up annoying me more and more.  I finally had to say "everybody has a bad day once and a while.  please let me just have a bad day."
 
Not fair to her, but I am not feeling that whole life is fair thing right about now.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

mastication

I am so happy to be eating again. Even better, the pipes seem to be working just fine. The proof is in the pudding, as they say, so we will see how long I go before tummy troubles re-surface.

What I learned from my fast:

- Deep down in my psyche I view my body as my enemy, a sulky child that will turn on me at a whim regardless of how well I treat it.

- It is too hard to try to maintain any kind of workout regimen while on a fast. The body needs fuel for that kind of effort.

- Where I may have been flippant about ten pounds of weight, it actually makes a very significant difference to the functioning of my system.

- Detoxing does really work, both physically and mentally. If I don't get a rumbling in the meantime, I will do a juice fast once a year.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

reality

There is so no way I am extending this fast.  Working out has increased my hunger to unimaginable heights.  I am constantly craving food!  And I have to run this race, so not training is out of the question.
 
The first few days have to consist of fruit and well cooked veggies, I wonder what I'll crave after that?  Dreaming of recipes...
 

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

funhouse mirror

You know how anorexics and bulimics look in the mirror and see a fat person? I have the opposite problem; I look in the mirror and think I’m totally skinny. Why is this a problem, considering this day and age with so many people who have self confidence issues?

The problem is I have been lying to myself. I think “Oh, if I lose five pounds I’ll be fine” or “I’m healthy!” Then I see a picture and think “Who is that? I don’t look like that! I just don’t photograph well!” Or I go online and check my BMI and it says I am overweight and unhealthy and think that they just aren’t counting in the extra weight I carry in my boobs (two pounds each, at the very least!)

Since I started this detox I have lost 15 pounds. Five will come back on when I go back to solid foods from restored water and digestion weight, but that still is a lot. I have shrunk significantly, as I can tell from the fit of my clothing.

What is really an eye opener is I can tell even more from my visit to the gym yesterday. I have a five mile race to run (or walk) next weekend so I decided to test my lungs and legs by hitting the treadmill.

Wow, fifteen pounds makes a difference. My stride felt graceful, long, and natural. I had not realized how much my body was compensating for the extra weight, how forced my gait was. How much I was putting my muscles and bones through because my body just was too heavy to be enduring that much stress. I am beginning to understand.

The thing that really gets me is that even with this weight loss, my BMI is still too high to be considered healthy. One has to wonder how many of my illnesses have been contributed to by this fact. In order to have a healthy weight, even at the top end for my height, I need to lose an additional ten pounds. I’m even considering extending my juice fast another week. (It would actually be totally safe for me to extend it for two more weeks)

I realize that such an extreme diet does not solve the real problem, which is how I eat and the amount exercise I get. I believe, however, that this fast really is changing the way I see food and my body in relation to it. We’ll have to see when I get back to eating if my food cravings or ability to correctly interpret my hunger are metamorphosed as my books say they will be.

The hardest part about extending this fast is that I really miss eating, and I really miss beer and wine. I’m Irish dammit, this much sobriety is hard on a person!

Monday, October 17, 2005

day seven

Over the last couple of days I have not had the boundless energy as in the earlier stages of my fast. It has gotten more interesting than that. Whatever I put into my body is having a direct and noticeable effect. Its like all my life I have been using my body blind, and now for the first time I have discovered the manual. I am beginning to understand the importance and impact of every item I put into my body. Its not that I never noticed certain foods had certain effects, it is just that they were dulled. So dull that I had to look for them in order to recognize them.

I've heard about people like this, but I never thought I'd be one. It seems I was so bogged down with so many unhealthy items it dulled my reactions, my ability to utilize food in its ultimate form, as fuel. This makes me wonder more about the differences it has on our bodies to eat organic and non-genetically altered foods. If you have never given much thought to what genetically altering food that we eat means, you totally have to read:



This book is a great read and so informative. This author takes a fictional narrative about a couple of families and has them deal with real life issues and conundrums dealing with genetic modification. She has another book:



Which does the same kind of thing but with the meat industry concerning hormones, the conditions the animals are kept in, and what they are fed.

I like being entertained when I'm learning, what can I say.

So even though my hyper-activity calmed to a regular flow, my thoughts maintained lightning speed and clarity. It occurred to me that I have not evaluated my goals in quite some time. I used to do it annually when I got my new planner filler pages. They always came with goal setting exercises, and they were great for boiling down my desires and benchmarking my successes.

In a desire to step back and look at my life, I discovered theses tools are available online for free, just follow the link to create your personal mission statement. Connecticut Jen (now Kzoo Jen?) from previous discussions on the subject, I think you will love this! I know I did.

The exercises gave me a lot of food for thought. I'll mull on it and get back to you all.

Side note, I so miss drinking and kind of can't wait for this weekend so I can fly off the wagon! I wonder how much I'll notice those effects, eh? It will be nice to have a funny story to tell instead of just blah stuff.

my old stomping ground

I've been hearing an awful lot of static on the radio about General Motors lately, with the bankruptcy of Delphi and some huge drop in GM stock.

How are you GMers holding out? What is the atmosphere? Is this dilemna the same as ones past? Are you all considering quitting and getting jobs at the casinos?

Saturday, October 15, 2005

red bull love

I have to admit that during this fast I have significantly cut down on my caffeine intake, but have relented to adding half of a sugar-free red bull into my morning juice. Please note that as much as I love coffee I have been abstaining entirely.

The red bull and I have quite a love affair. To give you and idea, check this out. All three situations are TOTALLY me, but especially the second and third. Rockstar personified!

Oh, and my sister should check out this definition of taurine, as she has been wary of this strange ingredient in the past. Geez, what kind of chemistry degree did she get again that she never heard of this before? Hmmmm... :)

Friday, October 14, 2005

day four

That's right folks; I'm still on the juice fast.

Day two I was chock full of energy, you couldn't stop me or shut me up. My thoughts were clear, my logic flawless. The energy level stayed high all day, and then I crashed around 8pm. I went to bed soon after, but then a funny thing happened. I could not go to sleep. Yep, more insomnia, except this time I was not extra dehydrated and feeling weird heartbeat rhythms. I was just...awake.

Day three was another energy day, and I was able to work until 9pm before pooping out. I took a taxi home, drank some nice veggie juice, went to bed and again and nothing. No sleep for rockstar. I was up until 3am. The fasting books say that when you do not have to digest food you are saving your body wear and tear, thus the effort. The conservation of exertion is what causes the reduction in need of sleep.

This morning it was kind of hard to wake up, and I noticed my muscles felt fatigued after just one flight of stairs. Since I'm drinking juice I'm probably not in ketosis, so there is a risk my body is breaking down muscle tissue as well as fat. I can't have that - I have four races to run yet this year! On the way home I bought some whey protein to add to my beverages. Problem solved.

Besides the energy, clearness of thought and insomnia, another side effect has been some weight loss. When I was water fasting I dropped ten pounds in two days, which was way more than the books said would happen. There was to be significant loss of maybe four pounds the first two days due to water loss. Turns out it is fortuitous I quit the water fast, because I was significantly dehydrated. Yes, I know how ironic it is that all I drink is water yet was dying of thirst. The lack of nutrients in my body was inhibiting my ability to retain liquids.

After starting back on the juice diet, I gained a couple of pounds back immediately, although I am definitely thinner than I was Saturday. My pants are as loose as they were in June when I was training every day for the marathon.

Another strange spin-off is that I have not bitten my nails since Sunday. Somehow the fact that I am not eating has also stopped me from gnawing at my nails. I had forgotten how weak they are, though. They peel off if I scrape something hard. So in an effort to prevent a relapse, I went and bought a tip and gel nail kit and spent two hours putting the damn things on. I cut them very short so as not to inhibit my typing. Heaven forbid I don't blog, what would you all do to avoid working if I didn't keep posting?

I have ordered a slew of fruits and veggies to be delivered to me tomorrow morning from fresh direct to keep me in juice through the rest of this week and the end of my fast. I'm going to try to get back to the gym tomorrow as well, do some very light cardio and start getting back in to shape.

I miss the act of chewing. I’m definitely looking forward to this Sunday when I can eat again!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

insanity!!

Lord god, apple launched the new imac today. I have been obsessively looking at the new capabilities for an hour now. Sorry, I can't list them all because I am absolutely dying of consumeristic lust and can't afford to buy a new computer yet, even though I direly need one. I keep running out of memory on my old school dalmation imac:

Ah well, at least I get to torture myself a bit more and see both new shiny baubles at the apple store this evening. My Mecca.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

madness!!

But the good kind...the new ipod launched today plays video.

That means you can watch music videos. For god's sake, that means you can download and watch a TV show at your leisure.

The damn thing comes in 30G and 60G, and I think it has a bigger screen to make the viewing easier. It is advertised as being lighter and thinner. Tomorrow I must take a field trip to the apple store and review the size and physical beauty. If it is as small or as portable as my mini, I may cry.

Why the tears? Because if it is as small as it is, they just convinced me to buy two ipods in one year.

Damn I love apple, but I hate them too.

day one redux

My terrific feeling lasted all day today. I was chock full of energy, in a good mood, thinking and movin' fine. In the afterglow of such high spirits I searched the web for the best reasonable priced juicer a girl could buy. I ended up finding the Jack LaLanne Power Juicer, really a good product - it can juice wheatgrass too! Maybe I'll grow some or something...

Anyhoo, after I decided on the identity of my future juicer, I thought to myself "hmmm, I should look for a juicing book”, then literally looked up at my bookcase and what was there, in MY books in my office standing up facing me? Why the book "Total Juicing" of course! Kismet.

Wanna hear more kismet? I trudged myself over to 19th Street and 6th Avenue to the Bed Bath & Beyond and bought my new toy/fad item. Walking onto the subway I looked over and saw an acquaintance I had worked with at the restaurant. "Why kismet?" you may ask? Because she is the only person I have ever met that has fasted before, and I was working with her when she was on one. I had thought about her earlier that day for the first time in at the very least a year since she, to me, was my sole source of actual experience in fasting, my physical knowledge base. She noticed my juicer, and when I mentioned my fast she said, "Wow, that's funny, I'm starting one tomorrow."

Amazing.

So here I am, sipping my "lunch bucket" juice concoction. I think I need to re-read "The Celestine Prophecy" as part of my spiritual/soul journey during this abstention, but not just because of the happenings of the day.

I was reading one of my fasting books last night, and as part of the setting goals chapter I read these two questions, and they really gave me pause:

- Have you ever had the sense that the world around you is magical, alive, luminous, and deeply sacred or mysterious?

- How long has it been since you experienced this feeling?

At first I smiled, remembering when I did perceive the world in such a way. Then I suddenly felt a strong sense of loss and sadness, realizing I don't have that feeling anymore. Literally I was overwhelmed with grief.

The beauty of the second question was that by trying to find the answer, I could see what had happened to change me. It was not one occurrence or a single incident, but a steady progression. Recognizing this gave me the even more powerful realization that I'm going to feel magic and mystery again.

I won't lose it again; it is only by opening yourself up to the possibility of miracles that you can see them at all.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

true believer

I woke up this morning and felt absolutely terrific!!!! Better than I have felt in quite a while. Not even before the pneumonia did I feel this good. After work today I am going to go buy a juicer and get right back on the wagon, if I feel this good after just a two-day tune-up imagine how good I'll feel after a real one? As long as I don't get insomnia again, that is...

hypocondria

Okay, fast is broken. As I lay awake tonight yet again, incapable of falling asleep, all I could do was imagine that my heart rate was irregular and that I felt funny, and then terrified myself into believing that I had an electrolyte shortage and was going to die in my sleep. I think I'll save up and buy a juicer to do a much safer, reasonable juice fast. A water fast is just too extreme, even for me. I'm sure the two days was a nice break for my guts...

Monday, October 10, 2005

day two

Still hungry. Mmmmmmmm foooood. It didn't help that I had today off and sat around all day. Tomorrow back to work, so at least I won't be barraged by fast food commercials. Why god do I so crave taco bell? They must have subliminal messages in the commercials; I don't even buy food from there anymore.

One point to note, the forewarned insomnia hit a little earlier than expected. I totally could not get to sleep last night before six am. That NEVER happens to me. At least when I'm not in pain. It was weird; I just could not get drowsy or nod off. I tried all my tricks. All that did not involve eating, of course.

The energy level has been pretty good, even though I do miss my coffee. I loves me the caffeine. In a point of high spirits today I even signed up for the last four races I need to run this year to qualify for automatic entry into next year's NYC marathon. And I renewed my membership. This is, of course, ironic, as during the fast no strenuous exercise is allowed, thus no training. But the races are all November and December (December ones you get hot chocolate at the end - num!) so I have time to make sure I'm back in shape.

Twelve days left, the countdown continues.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

day one

I'm trying a little science experiment. You all may be familiar with my love of all things NPR, especially the show "This American Life" with Ira Glass. I heard something in last week's episode (#259) that got me thinking. And then I got curious. So in all this time that I have had on my hands being sick and all, I bought a couple of books. B&N.com has same day delivery in Manhattan, don't you know.

What are the books about?

Fasting.

Oh, doggie, has she gone and lost her mind? Hear me out people. According to scads of literature, after two days of fasting the body starts converting stored fats to fuel. After seven, all bacteria, toxins, and illnesses are consumed. I am not thinking some crazy weight loss scheme here; I'm thinking my health.

Of all the times I have been forced not to eat due to surgeries, I have gained that weight back pronto, so I know that the concept of weight loss from not eating is stupid. But when it comes to these health issues, I think these people have something.

After I had my foot of intestine removed, way back in the day, I was not allowed to eat for two weeks. And I was healthy for a very long time – years, in fact. Over time, the frequencies of my little episodes have increased, as you may know. All these books say that if you have digestive problems, this kind of break gives your body time to heal itself that it direly needs. As I have enough extra weight on my bones to keep my body from eating my muscle mass or going into starvation, so it seems like a win-win situation to me.

The books are also big on the whole clarity of mind and spiritual awakening, but if I get any of that it’s just icing on the cake. I just want to stop visiting the hospital already.

So here I am, done with day one. I have gone 24 hours without eating, taking in only water. I feel fine, a little hungry, but fine. Earlier in the day I was sluggish, and my mind was kind of foggy to the point where I was finding it hard to concentrate, but now I'm back with a vengeance. Energy and all. Just like the books predicted. Next I am to expect maybe more hunger tomorrow, and then after 48 hours I should be in ketosis (using body fat as fuel as opposed to my glycogen stores) and my appetite will be appeased.

If anyone asks, I am going to tell him or her I am on a liquid diet to appease my tummy, which is the truth. I'm just doing it longer than I normally would. My goal is to go fourteen days, which the literature I have read outlines as the minimum time span needed to clean out toxins and heal the body.

You, my lucky readers, get to come along for the ride. Yeeha!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

luck

So I ended up in the hospital again, tummy troubles. I had to explain to at least, no exaggeration here, fifteen different doctors my health history. As normal it took them about nine hours to get around to taking a CAT scan, and of course the blockage cleared by then giving them nothing to work with but my past, causing each and every one of them to ask me more and more questions. I even had an EKG taken, which was a new one for me.

What's kooky is with this bout of pneumonia I have been to the hospital three times in three weeks. Thank god for having health care!

Yesterday the doctor insisted I stay the night for "observation." Always a fluke. All that ever means is "we aren't sure what is wrong with you, but need to feel like we have done something so will hold you here like a bug under a glass to achieve some sense of control of your situation." I even had to fight to be released this morning. They prescribed me with a bunch of Crohn's disease drugs, made me promise to follow up with a gastroenterologist, and sent me on my merry way. Thing is, I think I'm still over Crohn's and have another adhesion, just way worse than the other one. I'll have to get a colonoscopy to prove it though. THAT should be loads of fun.

One point of interest, even through all the regular temperature and blood pressure checks (about one an hour to keep any person from getting a solid night of sleep, don't you know) I managed to sleep about 24 hours straight. Oh, and I had one doctor who was shocked that I had thrown up at least eight times the other night, like that was so many. Obviously that was enough for me to go to the emergency room, but I've had worse. Silly interns.

I'm actually feeling pretty good, no small part because of the woman who shared my hospital room, Amy. She was on her eighteenth day being in there, with no end in sight. Amy has some very rare form of cancer that has affected her liver, causing her to overproduce steroids. Among a ton of other symptoms, she has gained about fifty pounds, as she put “to add insult to injury.” She is undergoing slews of chemo. Unlike many roommates I have had in the hospitals, Amy is incredibly intelligent and refined. Soft, calming voice, excellent grammar and vocabulary, and I could see an avid reader of literature and newspapers. The kind of person I very much admire. Seeing her have an illness so much worse than mine really kept my trials in perspective. I most likely can do something to fix myself, and it should be a lot less arduous than chemo. I really hope she gets better. She has a good chance; since her disease is so rare every doctor is obsessed with her and her treatment. Amy admitted that she knows that in some weird way she is lucky to be able to generate that much attention.

Seeing someone like Amy stay strong has a great way of kicking all my self-pity out of the window. As sick as I can be, I am still really lucky.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

r.e.m.

This Codeine stuff has been giving me really weird dreams. I dreamt today that my dad was getting attacked in Disneyworld by a lion while my sister and I stood by and watched helplessly. Later on I dreamt I was having sex with a paraplegic. Really hot sex. (What can I say; I’m a sucker for strong arms) I have also had dreams this week taking me back to the mongolian bbq, general motors, michael jackson, and zombies. Whenever I have dream periods of my life there are the zombies.

I recently learned that people in your dreams tend to be combinations of people in your real life, that they represent more than one person at a time. For instance, that dream about your mother could represent your mom, your therapist, and your girlfriend all at the same time. That would be an exact paraphrase from a psych textbook a friend was studying from.

So I don't know who my dad, the paraplegic, or the zombies represent, but I'm really glad I'm out of Codeine so I can deal with one dream at a time like normal.

If given a choice, I'll go back to the paraplegic first, please.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

observation

You know what's fun? Sneezing after eating about ten baby carrots. Well, its fun if you like lots of orange.

Monday, October 03, 2005

get it started

Ah readers, I rather gypped you on my last hospital story. Now that I have had a few doses of antibiotics and have gotten tons of sleep thanks to our friend Codeine, I feel up to giving you the whole shebang.

I walked into the hospital emergency room Saturday night just after seven o'clock. I had discovered the weekend prior that on Saturdays and Sundays the lull period is between seven and ten. The day's injuries have been treated, and people have not gotten sufficiently liquored up enough to start seriously hurting themselves yet. As anticipated, the waiting room was fairly empty, save for the security guard, an orderly on break watching TV, an elder Hispanic man waiting for someone, and a rather giddy-acting couple waiting with what seemed all of their belongings in garbage bags. The Godfather was on the TV, and there was quite a bit of audience participation going on. The giddy couple was acting pretty strangely, which kind of had me on edge but I had faith in the security guard's presence.

I didn't have to wait long. I got admitted to triage within ten minutes, which is like lighting compared to other emergency room visits in my experience. Just like last week, they took my blood pressure (fine), my pulse (fine), and my temperature (fine). Then they put on the finger thingy for my blood oxygen and it started to beep. Funny, I don't remember it beeping last week. The triage nurse asks me to take a deep breath. I do, start coughing, as I can't take a deep breath without doing so. He checks off another part of the form and I go on to provide my health care info.

I was called in to see the doctor at the same time as the woman from the giddy couple. She took the bed next to me and started to get treated first.

"Why are you here today?"
"To detox" she mumbled
"From alcohol and heroin?"
"Yes"
"When did you have your last fix”?
No answer, the doctor repeats the question and she mumbles incoherently.
"Did you just shoot up, is that why you keep falling asleep?"
"Yes"

And from there it goes on. This woman has been living in a hotel and has been on heroin for years. She also drinks at least a six-pack a day, and when she doesn't drink she gets tremors and hallucinations. She had gone through detox once before, nine years ago, and it had worked for a while. She is ready to quit now because she is tired of being an addict. The doctor orders some tests and she falls asleep, snoring lightly. He then moves on to the patient in the bed to the other side of me. As he walks by I notice he's a bit older, balding but seems to be in pretty good shape.

On the other side of me there is a young man that looks like a gangbanger. The doctor explains that his heart palpitations were due to stress, and overall to depression. He discussed prescribing antidepressants, and setting up sessions with a psychiatrist. That depression was normal and often presented in physical forms. Also that the young man most likely would only be on meds for six to eight months until the depression past, up to the discretion of his follow up care.

Now it’s my turn. The doctor comes over, asks me about my symptoms. No, no no, I answer, I only have a cough. I've had it for two weeks and it won't go away. I notice he's not wearing a ring. He's kinda cute. He looks in my ears, my nose, down my throat. He listens to my chest, has me take off my shirt and put on a robe to listen better, un-hooks my bra to get an even better listen. I'm thinking he seems apologetic, almost uncomfortable while this is going on. I, of course, have no pride nor shame in hospitals, I have bared my ass so many times in those damn robes I don't even try anymore. Really, I have become a hospital nudist. It also helps that as most hospitals are filled with old people I always feel like the hottest girl in there and my confidence quotient skyrockets. But I digress.

He then says, "hmm, let's try something" and has me put on another blood oxygen monitor. We watch it together for what seems an eternity but really is a minute. I say "normal, right?" and he pauses, then replies with something funny like "unsystematically abnormal". "Oh!" I say, surprised. Crap, I start thinking, just when all this marathon training is going so good. All I need is some lung ailment or disorder. C'mon already! Let me get this marathon goal! Aarrgh!

Off I go to get a chest x-ray. I walk over, get scanned, and then they hand me the films and say, "give these to the doctor"

This, people, is all strange. Normally you wait hours between procedures, have to be wheeled back and forth, and they normally don't hand you x-ray films and then shoo you off. Not that any of this is bad, it’s just new.

So I walk back and hand the films to my waiting doctor. (Also new). I follow him to the lighted screen as he puts up the x-rays of my chest. My first thought? My boobs look good, nice an even. Then I can clearly see that my lower right lung is all cloudy. He then, without pause, says "yep, pneumonia."

"Pneumonia??" I scream. "What?? I've been resting, drinking OJ..." then of course I realize I am shouting at the kind doctor, so I apologize and explain that it's not him, its just shock. He seems uncomfortable with me looking over his shoulder, so I walk back over to my bed and sit down.

After a minute he comes back and explains the medications he is going to prescribe, and how I should use them. I get dressed, then go to the desk and wait for my forms to get released.

The doctor at this point has finished taking care of everyone to a point. He is waiting for the results of the detox woman's tests, the depression guy is gone. I'm thinking the doctor is hot, so try to chat him up a bit. I ask how you get pneumonia, if they are always this slow Saturdays, blah blah. He is responsive and conversational, but eventually the nurses come back and I start to feel silly being miss chatty, so I am left waiting for my paperwork in silence. Finally it comes, I sign by the X. As I leave, I wave and say "Thanks guys, have a good night!" and they wave back, looking rather surprised. I'm not really sure why, maybe it was my casualness and comfort while leaving. Maybe they are not used to that much cheer.

Since then, it has occurred to me that I could have made much more effective advances on the good doctor. I liked his bedside manner, I liked him. In lieu of wandering around the hospital pointlessly the next few weeks in hope of "bumping" into him, I have decided to send him a thank you note to his office. On this note I will mention if he were interested I'd love to meet him for drinks sometime, and give him my number. I'm thinking of sending him a fruit basket or something too, but that may be a bit too much. We’ll see.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

health care

Well, I'm finally sick enough to get antibiotics. After resting and drinking my weight in orange juice several times over, I have developed walking pneumonia.

Score! I haven't ever had pneumonia before. The x-rays were cool, my right lung all cloudy and such. My boobs looked good though.

It just kills me that I have to wait to be sick enough to get treated. Preventative health care makes so much more sense to me than reactionary.

Happy girl now with Zithromax and cough syrup laced with Codeine. Ah, drugs take me away!!

Friday, September 30, 2005

guilt

I admit, as a side effect of being a workaholic I have presenteeism. I went back to work before I was all the way better, because I felt so guilty for being sick in the first place. As my cough started to get worse, I ended calling out sick yesterday and today.

This morning as I was calling out, I checked my voicemails. My boss had called and left not one, not two, but three messages at ONE THIRTY AM. The first was in anticipation of the next day, as was the second. The third was after she checked her voicemails and heard me calling out sick the day before.

At this point, I'm thinking, "oh my god, this project is so huge she's up this late, I've got to go in."

Then I realize my boss has no sense of reality and call out sick anyway. I don't want to be her! My life does not revolve around my job. I take pride in doing good work and being needed, but not at the expense of my health.

Not to mention I can't go see Serenity until I get over this cough, I'm on a timetable here! Priorities people!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

hocus pocus

Still coughing, it is getting worse again. I don't even smoke anymore! At this point I am sick (to phlegmy to laugh) and tired of being sick.

It occurred to me the reason why I have been falling ill so often is germs.

Duh, you say. What I mean is that I go through the whole rigmarole - I exercise, eat well, take my vitamins, get my sleep. The problem is much more basic than this. I still bite my nails.

That would be as close to germs as you can come my friends.

As I have tried every other method in the book, I believe my next step is.... hypnotism. I know for a fact that Seattle Girl quit smoking by using one! Darling girl, do you still have the phone number? If you do please shoot it my way. I gotta stop eating bacteria; it's murder on my lungs.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I have found religion

Thank you, believers of intelligent design, for helping this ultimate truth be revealed to me.

Ohm.

the will is strong

But the body is weak.

Today I went back to work, after being home for SIX WHOLE DAYS, only respite being a trip to the hospital to beg for drugs (failed) and a couple of OJ runs. Yesterday I really thought about going to work, but as I was still a bit heavy-headed decided to work from home. Surprisingly it worked out very well.

This morning as I woke up I threw my fist in the air and said, "I'm back!". Yes, really. No nausea, no headache, just a ghost of a cough left. Game. On. I showered, ate breakfast, and went on my merry way to work.

The walk to the subway was pleasant - 65 degrees, sunny, slight breeze. Beautiful morning. The kind that people write songs about. With a skip in my step and a song in my heart, I go down into the subway and catch myself the A train downtown. The train was a little crowded, as expresses can be, and the first leg from 42nd to 34th st was fine.

Then it hit.

A slight bit of nausea. Deep breaths, deep breaths, I can make it. The doors close. Then open. Then close. Then open. I'm in the middle of the train, starting to sweat now. I'm feeling light headed, kind of unsteady. We start to move. I'm sweating more now, thinking about how if I have to I can throw up into my bag. Really don't want to have to clean it out afterwards though. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Keep calm, shifting from foot to foot. You think some of the people around me would be concerned that I'm about to explode. Okay, we passed 28th street, almost to the next stop and I can get off there. You can do it - don't puke don't puke don't puke. Sweat is dripping from my hair, running down my collarbone. I start to see colors swirling in front of my eyes. The train starts to slow, approaching the station, I maneuver towards the door and..... get off the train.

Oh thank god. I can sit down on a bench, gather my bearings. Do I go home? I'm closer to work than home at this point. I'm feeling better already. Looking up, I can see police officers across the platform, glad to know they are there if I need help. I let a train come and go, realize I'm fine now, and get on the next E train.

In transit, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in one of the windows. I AM DRENCHED. You ever see a naked gun movie when they make someone sweat and just pour water right over them? Yep, I am solid liquid. Even my hair is dripping. All during a train ride that lasted maybe three minutes, tops. I think I scared a small child and a tourist or two on the E train. What is wrong with that girl who is soaked with sweat on a 65-degree day? If I was of Arabic descent I'm sure I would have been arrested.

Fortunately it is a couple of blocks to work from the station, and the nice breeze dried me off a bit.

The moral of this story? Avoid public transit after being home for extended periods due to illness. Take a taxi, save your bag. Or at the very least, your make-up.

Monday, September 26, 2005

panic

So... I noticed on my sitemeter that I had a visitor from Queens the other day and FLIPPED OUT. It is true that I have been considering releasing my blog to my local friends, but after some editing. It is not my intent to insult or injure those around me. In my adrenaline flurried daze I went in and did some minor cuts and snips, but did not do the major job type stuff editing.

Yes there are a lot of people who live in queens, but this person specifically searched Blogger for "publishing rockstar", which would be some words that are used commonly in reference to me. Not normally together, but you catch my drift.

I did leave in the work bitching and moaning. There has been no call-back from the major financial company (I know EXACTLY where I blew that interview), but I still have my options open. So until I get closer to full disclosure, I'll leave the work rants as they are.

Of course, if one day you notice this site is blank...just email me, I can and may have to change the web URL in a flash. ;)

Saturday, September 24, 2005

why did you move to NYC?

Having been home sick for the past four days, I have to say "Amen!" to living in the city that never sleeps - and that always delivers. Everything I have needed has been brought to my door. Orange juice, vitamin water, movies (technically not delivery as on demand), and dinner from around the world. I have eaten Italian, Indian, Chinese, Mexican, Japanese, and Mediterranean. Not too much of any of the above, as my illness also reduced my appetite. (Thank god for small favors!!)

Quite often I am asked why I moved here. Even over this last rafting weekend it was inquired of me several times. My response tends to be simple and true - "I wanted to live there."

Of course it is more than that. It is that I feel at home here. Just as much as home as I do in the house I was raised in, that my parents have been in for 33 years. There is something about the life, the bustle; the freedom to be who you are that is necessary to me. Likewise, the potential for the extraordinary to be ordinary.

For example, on any given day I could be (and have) encountered the following:
- A person playing a harp (in the subway)
- Eating a burger at the bar where Dylan Thomas died, noticing John Turturro at the next table over
- Someone riding a six-foot tall unicycle wearing a three-piece suit (obviously part of his regular commute)
- A helicopter landing in the VIP heliport with secret service type men around
- A four-story tall robot that I really thought was going to walk on me

Et cetera, et cetera. Yes, I crave a life unpredictable.

All of that aside, there is something more in my love for this town. As much time as I spent last weekend looking at nature in all of its resplendent beauty, I felt just as much, if not more, awe and respect in seeing the New York City night skyline as I approached home. My heart was overwhelmed by pride knowing that I live THERE, that I am one of those twinkling lights in the sky. The joy I feel at that sight never has matched any wonder I have felt towards nature.

Until that changes, in NYC I will stay. Start spreadin’ the news…

Friday, September 23, 2005

blech

Being sick sucks. You have time off, but you are too miserable to enjoy it. To top it off, you get to stress about the work you are missing in the meantime. Rockin.

For entertainment's sake, check out this government site, see if you notice anything interesting...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

fever

Came home from work last night and got a killer fever. I swear to god I have the most faulty immune system ever. One thing, there is little that feels better than when medication kicks in and you stop shivering. The wave of relief is sooooooo nice. Hooray for drugs!

Monday, September 19, 2005

rafting

There has been a significant amount of change in my life over the past seven years. One thing that has remained constant is my annual white water rafting trip.

My cousins started organizing this adventure many many years ago. I'm not sure who originated the outing, but I know that at one point it was managed by my cousins Joe and Suzanne, to be taken over by my cousin Cath, and most recently is being arranged by myself. We go to the same place every year, Drift a Bit in West Virginia, to raft the New and Gauley rivers. In a way it has become a comfort to arrive each fall, to come back to a place that essentially stays the same in this ever-evolving world.

The funny thing is, I'm not really sure why I enjoy these trips so much. It seems that every year something rather uncomfortable or painful occurs. Not of anyone's fault, merely by chance. For example, one year I got a killer bladder infection the night before the trip. As the constant need to pee might become a wee (pun intended) bit uncomfortable while rafting class five rapids, I went to the local emergency room and got some antibiotics - which were so strong they caused intense nausea and eventually vomiting at 3 am. This led to another visit to the emergency room to get drugs to replace what I spewed. After no sleep I raced back to Drift a Bit in the nick of time to make the bus for the rafting trip. Drama drama close call.

There are many more stories of this kind where the rafting trip is involved. Yet I love it so. Maybe it is how complete of a getaway it is. Nine hour drive, no cell phone reception, no watches. Every meal is a struggle, every minute stretches to an hour. Maybe it is the beauty of the West Virginia Mountains. Maybe it is the fresh air.

Maybe it is the rafting guides.

There is something about the guides that is undeniably hot. It could be their deft ability to handle a boat of tourists down a death trap a la mother nature, or the way they shout out the commands with such authority, or the fact that you know that your life is safe in their hands. Whatever the quality, those tan rugged men have a way of turning us city girls to Jell-O. Let me tell you, they have starred in quite a few of my fantasies. They definitely are recurring characters when I...well, you know...think and stuff.

This reaction is not limited to myself, as all the girls who join in the trip fall under their spell. Well, except the taken ones I suppose. But I digress.

This year I got some serious flirt time with a guide. A little bit of time on the river, some more on the bus ride back, a few beers later on. Such a hottie, gorgeous blue eyes. And unfortunately, quite the gentleman. No action, but oh so much temptation.

The killer is that I am no shrinking violet. I tend to be fairly forward and direct. These long standing rafting guide fantasies could have finally come true, but when faced with them in reality I choked! Looking back I could have suggested a walk, taken a drive, something - anything.

To add insult to injury, the second day of rafting I had to go in a different guide's boat in order to join friends that I had been looking forward to riding with for some time. As I said goodbye to my hottie later that day, I could sense his disappointment on my lack of follow-through. So not only did I let a long standing fantasy right through my fingers, but now I'm the famous cock tease from New York.

Great, just great. I suppose it wouldn't have been a regular trip if something hadn't of gone a little awry. And there is always next year. ;)

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

drat

It's official, Alias has SO jumped the shark. Vaughn is double agent and she's preggers? Dude. Duuuuuuude.

At least I still have Battlestar Gallactica. And if Serenity does well at all maybe they'll bring back Firefly.

Hope hope hope.

bit of a follow up

Just to keep you all in the loop:

1) Everything came out okay, like clockwork with no problems. Viva la Ex-Lax!!

2) Major financial company called to schedule face to face interview. Seems I must not have high balled them. Woo hoo!

3) Tomorrow I am off to my annual rafting trip, always fraught with drama and excitement. Blog to come of trip adventures in the past. Today I spend in capitalistic frenzy in attempt to procure last minute items.

4) Yes I did wake up at 9:00 on my day off, the end of the world is nigh.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

too much information

So I have this history of tummy troubles. I woke up Sunday night with some pain. It was sudden and kind of intense. Little bit of nausea. Luckily a couple of pills down the hatch and forty-five minutes later I was back in slumber land.

At the moment of awakening I realized I could have foreseen the incident and pre-emptively medicated. How? Well my friends, I had not taken a dump in two days.

And I still haven't...

I am seriously ten pounds heavier. It's like I'm carrying bags of sand around my waist, its crazy. My middle has expanded like two inches. My colon is carrying FIVE DAYS worth of food. The thing is, I would really like to fix this. I've tried fiber, water, cheese, beans, caffeine.....

As a last ditch effort, I have purchased laxatives. I went all out and bought the chocolate ones to "treat" myself. (Chocolate, in any form, is a treat)

Two doses later I am primed and ready.

Wondering how things will come out, aren't ya?

Monday, September 12, 2005

maternal

I almost just invited my mother to read my blog. The words were typed, the disclaimer added. This is a rated R site, I would say, not quite to NC-17 or anything.

Then I came to my senses. My mom may love me, but she doesn't get me. And that is just darn cool the way it is, I say.

Guess I'll just have to email her more often. (Yes, you read that right, I do not call my parents I occasionally email. It works.)

Saturday, September 10, 2005

growth and change

In moving to New York, I discovered something about myself.

I have... an irrational fear of kites.

Who knew?

A couple of years ago I was lounging in Sheeps Meadow in Central Park with some friends, and noticed a kite flying above us. Suddenly my stomach was in knots and I could not tear my eyes away. Pictures of the kite suddenly diving and impaling me would not leave my mind. I just knew that the moment I looked away it would attack.

Several minutes into my dazed obsessive fear my friends noticed my silence. Laughing, they asked why I had suddenly grown so quiet. I motioned to the kite and managed to choke out "I don't know how safe that is."

Mind you, there are hundreds of people spread out over this lawn. That kite crashes and suddenly it is a new yorker skewer.

They laugh, brush it off. Then they start to notice the continuation of my strange behavior, and I had to admit to my sudden overwhelming paranoia. I even started to occasionally cry out a warning when I noticed a sudden swoop. The damn thing eventually landed without incident, but I tell you it was not soon enough.

Since this first incident I have been in many more populated areas with kites. And each and every time I cry out "Ahhhh! Kite!" Yes, my friends laugh. And I stare to the sky incessantly.

They'll thank me when I save their lives.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

baby steps

In an effort to be a rolling stone and gather no moss, I have been applying to jobs. Also because I'm frustrated with my current supervisory situation, but hey, it's hard to say that in a cover letter.

I just finished a phone interview with a major financial company. This job is totally up my alley - I am absolutely qualified to a tee. The interview was smooth, relaxed, upbeat, and intelligent on both sides.

Then came the last question from the interviewer.

"What salary are you looking for?"

HOLY MOLY I hate that question. I have so no idea what I'm really worth in the world. How unique are my skills? As a person I am confident that I am one of a kind, and as a worker I am sure that I am an asset to any organization.

So I picked an amount that I knew my current employer could not match. The interviewer's response was unreadable. I hung up, having ended on a note that I cannot measure, and am therefore now loaded with doubt. Sure, I asked for 20-30 percent more than I'm making now, but moving from the notoriously underpaid publishing industry to a technical position in a major financial company should be accompanied by a good price tag, shouldn't it?

Guess if they call me for a face to face interview we'll find out.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

fair and balanced

Ah, the afterlife, a subject of much debate.

For those of you who don't know me, I am agnostic. I believe that there may be some kind of higher power out there, but think organized religions are bupkis. That may sound too strong, it’s more like I believe that our attempts to define a god or gods are kind of like the efforts a baby calf being raised in a box for veal in describing the world. Limited, constrained, restricted.

My family, on the other hand, leans toward the VERY CATHOLIC side. Once I asked my mother what the meaning of life is - what the purpose is to her being alive. She answered me, completely deadpan and serious and without missing a beat, "To know God, to love God, and to serve God."

Now that is faith.

My mom prays for me, my brother and his clan pray for me (constantly growing clan as Catholics spur conventional birth control), and my grandparents always prayed for me. They pray that my poor soul will be saved so one day I may rise to heaven. I know because they have told me so over and over and over. I always politely say "thank you" and change the subject. It is a nice sentiment, but as I don't believe in any heaven I'm not going to change my views simply because they have informed me of their prayer patterns.

I was thinking the other day about this post I had done, and if it was fair of me to really skip over the religion question.

Then it hit me.

If my religious family is right and there is an afterlife, I will hear an ETERNITY of "I told you so". Do you understand? An eternity! We are talking eroding down Mt Everest by one feather falling every millennium eternity here. And you know they will never get tired of saying it, no matter how cool heaven could be.

If I'm right? No afterlife and therefore no "I told you so."

SO not fair! Where is the justice? The balance??

Oh, right, those are concepts that come from those gosh darn religions.

God damn it!! (hahahahhahaahhahhahahahahaha)

Saturday, September 03, 2005

katrina

Just like most of you, over the past few days I have been glued to the TV in horror, watching the events unfold down south. When I heard that Katrina as coming and New Orleans was evacuating, I registered the info but rather brushed it off. I had a friend who was living there about ten years ago and was unable to evacuate as ordered from another hurricane due to lack of funds, she had come out okay. Some of us even spoke to her on the phone mid-hurricane when she was afraid. It was hard to hear, but having 'experienced' some horror and damage I assumed Katrina would be of the same kind.

Then I heard about the levee. You all do realize that normally we observe hurricane damage on homes and people, but it is the failure of this one structure that caused the complete ruin of New Orleans. What is even worse was the fact that the New Orleans newspapers foretold this EXACT tragedy years ago. Levee is getting old; structurally losing its integrity, one strong hurricane and this city that is below sea level will be obliterated. Okay. Thing is, the article did not stop there, it went on to talk about the inability to effectively evacuate, the lack of food and water at the Superdome, problems with power and sewage, and the health hazards of the water flooding the city. My god how can we be a super power and not protect our own.

As the week unfolded, we saw how ugly the citizens of our own country can be. Looting, random crimes, people shooting at police and rescue workers. Everything that could go wrong did, New Orleans became a war zone filled with sick, dying, hungry, and desperate people.

In a weird way we were spoiled by 9/11, and even the blackout. I was here in NYC, on the streets with everyone, walking home each day. Order prevailed. I remember early in the day of the blackout thinking to myself to be wary because I was sure looting was to come, as the area where I lived was ripe for that kind of crime.

No such thing happened. I stayed safe, sheltered, fed, watered, and generally unthreatened. Of course after 9/11 I was in shock and horror, but I did not fear my safety from my neighbor. We banded together, we became one proud strong city, one proud strong nation.

Why has New York stayed so safe and New Orleans such a war zone? Some people are blaming Bush, saying that our forces and resources are overseas, draining our strength. Some people are pulling the race card. I agree that these two things helped the situation go from bad to worse, but the main reasons are probably these two things:

1) The rich and the powerful had fled New Orleans. People who lead, who catalyze change and organize people tend to have a modicum of money and influence, and ran for the hills. NYC was caught by surprise and with everyone in town, not to mention they have a lot more of the leadership types by ratio to the rest of the country anyway. And no way no how were they going to allow themselves and their families to be in danger, thus mobilized to shut down any potential problems.

2) There is just more money in NYC. A whole lot more. This is a capitalistic country, and money talks, at the expense of human life.

Everyone seems overwhelmed with the events that have passed. I read a lot of blogs, this is something that none of us can ignore and all of us want to help with. As little as we can do, to be utterly cliché every little bit counts. Here is a great jumping off point.