closer to fine

Growing up I always felt like an outcast.

A tomboy amongst girlie girls, an intellectual in a blue-collar town, an atheist raised by devout Catholics. In high school I hung out with the drama club, the uncool honor students, and the non-catholocists in the all girl catholic high school.

Not so much to be a rebel, as a blind effort to find a place to fit in.

At one point I realized that I might not fit anywhere, that there was no hole to fit my peg. It happened somewhere around the age of 16 when my cousin Steven introduced me to the Indigo Girls.

To be honest, the Indigo Girls saved my life more than once. It is more than their harmony and their musicality; there is something in their songs that speak to me. The most important in my youth was this song:

CLOSER TO FINE

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
maybe give me insight between black and white
and the best thing you've ever done for me
is to help me take my life less seriously
it's only life after all
yeah

well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
and the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine

and I went to see the doctor of philosophy
with a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
he never did marry or see a b-grade movie
he graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
to seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
and I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
and I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
we look to the children, we drink from the fountains
yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
we read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
~Indigo Girls, words and music Emily Saliers

This song has gotten me through more dark parts of my life than any other.

Tonight it came on while DTH guy and I were breaking up, and I started to tear up. Because for whatever reason, I cannot be normal, and I really wanted to be. Not that DTH guy is normal, just that being in a healthy relationship would be.

Here I am, remembering not to question, but accept who I am. And then I will be closer to fine.

wow

I just worked until ten o'clock and then walked home. It has been quite a while since I have worked quite that late. Occasionally I get an eight o'clock-er in here or there, but this makes the night extra special.

Not that I'm complaining. You know if I stayed that late there was something important I was working on, and I was able to finish it. The sense of accomplishment, to me, is worth the overtime. Oh, and the relief that it is done. The sweet, sweet relief.

And now I am home, listening to some sweet tunes on my super duper awesome imac drinking a cool refreshing gimlet.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

pick me up

I came in this morning angry.  Last night I was up past two am imagining all the rants I want to have at various people in my life.  You know, the nemesis, the boss, blah blah blah.  This continued as I commuted to work.  Literally I was one of those people walking the streets of New York talking to myself.  Classic.

 

The frustration was building, you could see the steam coming out of my ears and my boiling point about to top over.

 

Until Ali girl came to see me and tell me her fantabulous news!  (Which if you know her you are just going to have to ask her yourself.)  Needless to say, her news is so wonderful and the enthusiasm so contagious all of the bad mood was alleviated.

 

Now that is some good news!!  Yaaaaay!

booze

For you New Yorkers, if you are looking for a little something to do this Thursday I have a little party for ya. Just promise me you will try some of this or this.

Did I mention open bar? Oh yeah, makes it all worthwhile...

(Don't forget to RSVP, and make sure you say that "Erica the All Powerful" sent you.)

net worth

I'm going to share a little secret with you - I have been broke all of my life.

Okay, not so secret. If you know me this is not new knowledge. I have never traveled outside of the USA or Canada, and the majority of my continental travel was aided by me being a flight attendant for a year. I never owned a new car, and the car I did had often had all kinds of fun "quirks" like having to roll down the window to open the door or a layer of glass missing from the windshield or having to spray lighter fluid on the air filter cold mornings to start the car praying that it didn't back up and start a fire as it was oft to do. (Nothing like beating down an engine fire on a cold Michigan morning to get that blood pumping!!) My furniture still consists of hand me downs and college level quality. My clothes are Old Navy and Gap.

This is no one's fault but my own. Granted, according to that book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" some of this is learned behavior. But my choosing to move away from home at twenty, change my career every year or so, and put myself through college and pay tuition for NINE YEARS might have something to do with it. The fact that when moving to new York I refused to live in a borough and kept myself in poverty by paying exorbitant rent just perpetuates my continued self-effacement.

I have to admit, I wear my destitution like a badge of honor. When I made my first real career change, leaving General Motors and a potential life of comfort being an engineer, I consciously chose an adventurous life over a well moneyed one. About four years ago when my debt reached a level that put me in panic mode because I had started to get all kinds of collection calls and had put my credit in the toilet. I had just let it get out of control, burying my head in the sand. At that time I got smart.

My time was then spent joining a credit improvement agency, creating a budget, tracking my spending, and really learning where my money had been going in order to figure out what I had to do in order to stop my downward spiral. It was a rough couple of years, but although still in debt at least now I am smart with my money. I pay attention to where it goes, and that is half the battle. For a couple months I didn't go out drinking. I stopped buying breakfast and lunch every day and brown bagged it. I did not clothes shop for a year. Oh, and the big one, I lived and entire two years without ANY credit cards. Only the debt of the closed ones.

After two years I was back in control, and for the most part my credit became good enough once again to be able to rent an apartment on my own in NYC. Which means something.

One side effect of my journey was that I have learned how to pay attention to my investments. Mysteriously at one point I realized I had accumulated some money in my 401k. So I started to monitor it, and actually MANAGE my money. Yes, it helped that I couldn't get my greedy little paws on it to spend a cent.

Today I went online to check the progress of my funds and had a revelation. Due to my careful grooming my little nest egg has accumulated to be more than my current debt.

Yes, that is correct, today my net worth is not in the red. I am no longer worth negative money!! Okay, turns out it has been that way for a couple months, but I didn't realize it until today. Heck, I am proud of myself.

Not to get carried away here - after all my goal is to eradicate my debt so that I can completely change my career and take a huge pay cut. But the smart way this time, by living within my means and even continuing to increase my savings. I don't have to be poor; it just took me a while to figure that out.

tumult

How appropriate, that this is what came up on my word origin calendar.

Tumult

In Latin, the verb tumere means "to swell." From this came the noun tumultus, meaning "a disturbance." In another form, it was tumultarius, a term applied to a troop of soldiers raised in a hurry.

Okay, so that is kind of a boring origin. This week has for me has been quite tumultuous regardless. One of those Murphy's Laws kind of weeks, everything just seemed to go wrong. It cultivated yesterday when I had to fire someone.

Letting an employee go seems to me like a milder form of divorce. At first you meet, feel each other out. Then you make a promise of commitment, and spend time growing in your new relationship. Over time you have your learning curve, bumps in the road, an occasional wrong turn. But if it is meant to be, you grow together and something good is created.

Then as it ends, there is a sense of denial. Maybe if you try a little harder, maybe you are asking too much of the other person. It seemed to work before, what could have changed?

Something big then happens, and there has to be a split. Even though it is the best thing to do, it is stressful and you cannot help but feel that somehow you are to blame, that it is your fault. You know that you both will be better off apart, that the status quo is actually at this point detrimental to both parties.

That is the thing that always amazes me, that besides having to deal with the end of something you have to deal with the guilt of what happens to the other person.

And the sense that you failed. You mistrust yourself because you picked the wrong person. How can you do better the next time? How do you learn to trust yourself again?

Thank god for Cinco de Mayo and all the sweet, sweet tequila that flows therewithal.

compounding

Let me expound upon why I have a new nemesis. It is not only because she talks smack behind my back.

All the back-stabbing put aside, it is that additional flavor of two-facedness that drives me batty. You know she had the nerve today to try and "chat" me up? You know, asking personal questions, interjecting what in her mind is witty banter.

Dude, it is bad enough you don't have the courtesy to confront me to the face with items you deem as flawed in my work realm, but then trying to act like my best friend and cozy up to me?

Pure, unadulterated evil.

I was up for an extra hour last night thinking of ways I could get her fired. Then I realized how silly that was, I should just leave instead. Let her clean up her own mess, I say!

Gotta work on my resume...

grrrrrr

I have a new nemesis at work. There is nothing like having someone who should be on your team talk about you behind your back.

Oh, what can I do to foil her evil plans? What superpower do I already possess?

For this I have no bright side. Take that!!

more fun with links

I think the searches that lead to my site are getting even better:

spitting at work

falling rockstar

bliss personal lubricant

la vie boehm

downside of alloderm for hernia repair

calories burnt in female orgasm

saggy masochist

best part, the spitting one got me the most hits.

rock

on

superhero power

If I could choose any superhero power I would choose beauty. This is a brand-new power, so bear with me.

It is not that I think I am unattractive. I am cute. And it works for me. I am unthreatening. I entertain, I blend. Occasionally I can cause a giggle.

Beauty, like any superpower, can be dangerous. As Ani Difranco says "everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl l in the room."

Too much of anything makes people uncomfortable, or suspicious. Power also intimidates. In any form.

On the other hand, all human beings, of any culture, trust attractive people more. The more attractive you are, the more honest and loyal you are assumed to be.

This is why beauty as a superpower is brilliant. Most of the time, through everyday life, you are a normal person drawing no extra attention and causing no controversy. Your alter ego, secret identity.

But in those moments when you really need it:

When pulled over for a traffic ticket

If ID'd for a club when you forgot your license

Those last minutes during the closing of a sale

At the closing of a job interview

You pull out your superpower and BAM!!! It was the edge you needed.

Now, just like when you are given the opportunity to choose any superpower - as we normal people are given the choice in that it is all theoretical - would you use your powers for good?

Of course!!!! Collecting money for charity, helping other people feel more attractive by proxy...oh, and the phenomenal masturbation fantasies I would provide!!

I just ask when this new superhero is created she is called Rockstar. Okay, and a 2% royalty. Unless I write my own graphic novel...

Anyone know any cool female graphic artists? Hmmmmmm

paranoia

I was in Ali Girl's office earlier today, talking about personal gossip, kind of quietly as to not advertise my juicy stuff to the world. But not in an overtly conspicuous or secretive manner, as I really have no secrets.

As I was leaving her office, a coworker was walking by. And then stopped quite suddenly, inquiring:

"Were you guys talking about me?"

Immediately I broke out into guffaws of laughter, as did Ali Girl. Our coworker looked kind of surprised and confused, so I patted her arm (note inappropriate at-work touching) while still laughing saying "No! No, talking about you? No no no no..." I even continued to chuckle as I walked away.

Thinking back on this, I have been laughing all day. It isn't just the paranoia of the situation; it is the ego-centrism of it all. She is nice enough whatnot, but on my list of people or things to talk about, she rates near the bottom.

I find it hysterical too the audacity to stop and ask like that. Really, you shed yourself in such a negative light doing something that, well, desperate. This girl always seemed to me to have more poise.

Ironic that I am talking about her now though, eh? Is that even karma?

reflections

When you start dating someone, you spend less time watching tv. And blogging.

Seems you keep busy doing other things. *cough cough*

Just sayin.

Guess you all will be able to monitor the level of my sex life by my blog activity, eh? Just 'cause you all wanted to know.

work it

I know it is going to be a good day when I plug in my ipod to the speakers at work, hit the random song function...

And the Copa Cabana plays.

Awwww Yeah!

This has been a crazy hectic week. I have had to work ten times harder than I have in a very long time. We are talking everyone needing something from me, helter skelter cries for help, and me having to roll up my sleeves and go shoulder deep into the belly of the beast to help them all.

It has been great.

(Well, except for that one night I got really pissed off. But I'm over that now.

Every night I have worked late, some nights past nine. Call me crazy, but I like being busy, and I really like feeling necessary. Becoming management had taken a lot of that away from me. It is so much easier to feel accomplished when you create a report or a system then grooming an employee.

Oh, right, I guess that's why I get paid more money. Gotcha.

sense of direction

I'm totally biting this off of Bacon, but it is way too awesome to ignore.

calendar

From today's word origin calendar:

Working Stiff

If you feel that your job is bad for your health, you may have a real reason to use this phrase. It originated from an old slang use for the word "stiff," meaning "corpse."

I always wondered what it was like to be one of the walking dead. Seems I have known all along...

whew!!

The surgery went fine, and my sister is going to be okay. It took just under five hours and the tumor was about the size of a peanut.

Tomorrow they will do another cat scan to make sure the brain and whatnot collapse back into the space accordingly, but the doctors believe that all is well.

Now I can go back to planning the bachelorette party. Oh, the bachelorette party.

And my speech for the wedding. Yes, it will rock.

Hooray!!

saga continues

Thank you all for your well wishes and good thoughts!!

So far Katie is okay. The doctor opened her head, took one look, and closed her right back up.

Seems she had some pretty major looking blood vessels where they shouldn't be, and they were all around the tumor. The doctor did not want to risk going in "blind" and my sister potentially bleeding out.

I appreciate that.

What happens next is that they have to perform an angiogram, a very invasive procedure to determine the blood vessel mapping in her brain so they can plan a course of action.

Once they know where everything is and what to avoid, they will go back in to take out the tumor - most likely Monday. Poor thing has to stay in the hospital over the weekend, and then she will be in the ICU for at least three days during her recovery.

Sucks.

sisters part two

Through self imposed trials and tribulations, my sister and I remained close.

We survived my immediate family. Then discovered our extetended. We traveled together. And still liked each other. We lived in sin. (With boys, not each other you dirty bastards.) And were forgiven by the religious family.

Now you all know I have had health problems. Long and extended ones.

My sister's were shorter but way more intense.

One month after my second surgery, where the foot of my intestine was removed, my sister was admitted to the very hospital where I had been chopped to pieces. For her the symptoms were nausea and headaches.

When she was unconscious for 24 hours we got worried. My loud voice could not wake her. That is shocking, c'mon.

Turns out she had a brain tumor. At 17. It was benign, but the process was still long and hard for her. As much as I have gone through over many years, she experienced the more intense version - all before being legal.

I will not lie. When I first learned that my sister had a brain tumor I freaked the fuck out. I went on laughing and then crying jags from one minute to the next. I was hysterical.

Until I decided that I could not believe that she would not get better. I call it conscious denial. You refuse to think of the worse.

She got better. I won. Again

This past Monday I got an email from my sister:

call me later
they are going to cut my head open again on friday :)"\

Wha.....what....WHAT????

So not funny.

Wasn't meant to be.

My mom's email, two hours later, went more like this:

This morning Katie got the results of the MRI she had yesterday. She has been having really bad headaches the last few months. Her brain tumor is back. It is the same type (Hemangeoblastoma)and in the same place (behind her left ear) as last time. The good news is that it is benign and not too hard to get at. It is fluid filled cyst. The Surgeon, and Katie both would like it out as soon as possible. She is going to have surgery Friday morning, 4/14/06, at the University of Michigan Hospital in Ann Arbor. We don't know the exact time yet, they will have to bump someone to get an Operating Room. We are going to see the Surgeon for a pre-op appointment tomorrow morning. So, please keep her in your prayers. We hope for as good an outcome as we had 14 years ago.
Love,
Mom



Katie is having brain surgury Friday morning. My baby sister. the kindest most forgiving person I know, has to go through this less than two months before her wedding day.

If I could take all the pain, suffer as much as humanly possible to take this away from her I would. But I have no choice in the matter. My sister has a tumor the size of a golf ball in the lower left part of her brain, and she has to have brain surgery for the second time in her very short thirty years of life.

I believe in positive visualization. All of you reading this have to imagine me, right now, dancing at her wedding. Giving my speech, congratulating her and her new husband for their new lives promised to each other. Me telling my stories of how I tortured her in her youth but cared for her at the same time. Please, only image the good things I speak of, and I believe the best scenario will come true.

If you imagine rain, it will pour. Please, believe in the sun.

Your positive thoughts make the difference. This whole week for me has been about her. If you know the devil, introduce me to him so I can sell him my soul. Not much left to give, but it is worth a try.

At the very least, imagine Katie mocking me for the rest of my live for being such a sentimental, sappy, and emotional bastard. I can take the torture, it is worth the price.

sisters

I can remember when my mother was pregnant with my sister. Specifically because my brother wanted a brother and I wanted a sister. It became a competition.

And I won.

Growing up I tortured my siblings ruthlessly. I would provoke my brother until he got so angry he turned beet red and shook. My sister is four years younger, and her trials by my hand were way way worse.

There was the time I used to get her to do my bidding by threatening to tie her down, blindfold her, gag her, and play the intro to Thriller. You know, the Vincent Price monologue with the spooky sound effects. Then she told on me and I got into trouble. So I explained her that if she ever told on me for threatening her again I would shave her head bald in her sleep.

When babysitting, the abuse was worse. Sis was afraid of the dark, and I would follow her around the house turning off every light as soon as she would turn it on. While my brother followed around saying "Stop, you shouldn't do that." He wasn't very convincing.

Thing is, these were just control games. As much as I made my sister's life miserable, I did so much to try to make her happy. Like the times when I would decide to make her laugh so hard she couldn't stop. Or how I taught her not to be afraid of the dark, by sitting by the night-light and turning it off for 30 seconds at a time to get her used to it. Or when she couldn't sleep telling her to concentrate on the sound of my breathing, to know she was safe. Or when I told her the reason that her myriad of stuffed animals would be on the floor when she woke up was because while she was asleep they were having a super duper party dancing and whatnot, but when she woke up they had to stop wherever they stood. (Yes, this was YEARS before Toy Story, dammit!!)

My sister and I have remained close throughout our lives, and she means more to me than anyone in the world. It just isn't because she is a better, kinder person than myself. But because she knows me better than anyone else in the world and she still loves me. That means a lot.

you're welcome

If you are going to see any movie in the next couple of weeks, see this one. The BF and I saw it the other day, it is the best thing I have seen in quite a few months.

(Yes I did say BF, which stands for boyfriend. It is official, and teetering on stage three. Tis a whole 'nother post.)

If you don't believe me, then at least believe my favorite critic.

This movie was smart. Funny. Endearing. Scathing. Kind. Heartfelt. And just darn cool. DO NOT MISS IT!!!!